The Stupid Trillogy: The Return of the Stupid
by Enjoying Insanity
Summary: Tenth member 'fic, written when I was new and now stands as a reminder of what I was before and never will be again. Read at your own risk. hands out Bleeprin.
1. Mixed Languages

"DOROTHY!!! RUN!!! IT'S A TWISTER!! And, oh ma sweet spam egg, I just saw our cow fly by! And—what in tarnation are you doing, Dorothy! GET YOUR KEESTER BACK IN HERE! AND YOUR LITTLE DOG'S TOO!!!!"

Wonderful opening words for my account of this little suicidal mission, don't you agree? 

We'd walk for only God knows how long from Isengard and I was really starting to miss my loverly purple room back in Okie Land with my pretty little computer where I can type all the mindlessness I wanted from my broken computer chair. Of course, do I get that? No, what would make you think that, you silly person. 

According the Elf Boy-slash-Drama Queen of Kings, the Paths of the Death is a vile place with lots of—yes, you guessed it—dead things! Normally, I would have a hollow feeling in the pit of my stomach, and be nervous and all that crap, but I know the future! Not literally, but anyone who's read RoTK would know the nice dead skeletons don't strangle you and leave your body with their own corpses. Emily, however, didn't know this, and was a bag of all nerves. I "accidentally" forgot to tell her what I knew. 

"Well, Auntie Em, Dorothy doesn't want to run because if she runs anywhere it will be straight back home somewhere nice and happy in Rivendell where I will completely create a more Mary Sue scenario than this," Emily snapped.

"Dorothy—you don't mean—you don't mean...you actually got accepted to college?"

"KATIE! I'm trying to confide to you in my fears and all your doing is purposely being the deranged Brazil Nut!!!" Well, Wallace, you're a pecan. Or a walnut. Hey, Walnut and Acorn, that should make her happy! But I decided not to say this, because she looked ready to kill me. That look is not a good one, I assure you.

"Technically, you were biting my head off, and not confiding in me at all," I pointed out reasonably. Truth is like a bird set free. When the bird is set free, it is happy. Unless the truth is that it's turning into a cat, then it won't be too happy...But that's beside the point.

"Whatever. I will now. Katie, what happens, I'm scared to death, so please tell me," she answered.

"You know...I think I forgot...I decided not to read the rest because at the end of the Two Towers, Frodo fell off a cliff and died and so Sam was left with Gollum, and those two got married and they used the One Ring for a wedding ring..." 

"What?!" The alarmed expression on Eomer's face, who was riding ahead of us, caused me to start snickering uncontrollably. 

"Calm down, Prometheus, I was kidding."

"Who is Prometheus?"

"Now don't play smart aleck with me, young man!" I scolded, shaking a finger at him and hardening my face. These youngsters all tried to get new identities. But it won't fool me! "You're Prometheus!"

"I'm Eomer."

"No, you're Prometheus."

"No, I'm Eomer."

"YOUR'RE PROMETHEUS!!"

"Alright, he No Name and let's leave it at that," Emily growled from behind me (yes, the rag muffin was still behind me like a tag-a-long cookie). She was testy...probably because of the fact she didn't know what was going to happen...Teehee...

"Okies, fine with me-sa!" I said, all happiness. Hey, I had to be nice, because I needed everyone to love me...if they didn't love me, I'd be dead a long time ago. So you see my point; it's necessary to be loved by all. If you happened to be named Katie. And love grapes. And Elves. And croutons. And likes to make funny noises...

"I beg your pardon mil—" started a voice.

"Call me 'milady' and I'll break your fingers," I said, peering over Emily's head to look at Elladan, who'd just spoken, and Elrohir, who was riding beside him. They were riding behind us for the time being. Of course, they would go back up to Aragorn in a little bit and talk about you know...stuff. Important stuff that they didn't tell stupid little "kids" like me. 

"Milady," he finished without a trace of apology. Why is it that all these Middle Earth dudes insist on calling me crap like that? They're evil! "Do you always act in...such a way?"

"Define the words 'such a way.'"

"Like you're drunk, crazy, insane, take your pick boys," Emily offered sullenly.

"Not quite right in the head," Elrohir finished finally. I pretended to ponder the question, even though I already knew the real answer.

"Well, it started out when I was but a little tadpole—" Emily slapped my head at this. "—excuse me, CHILD, and everyone was wearing fuzzy brown shoes and Abercrombie and American Eagle. They were all—dare I say the cursed word?—PREPS! So, I decided to make myself different, unique, interesting, an original. And I succeeded!" 

"Oh...I see..." Elladan said doubtfully.

"Really, she was born that way...also she's been dropped on her head a few times...Or rather she caused herself to fall on her head..." Emily added. Good one Wally Woman, ha, ha, h—not funny.

"It was on accident," I grumbled and kicked Emily's leg (which was really very easy because she was behind me). 

"Whatever, Auntie Em."

*****************

"Woah...dude...it's, like...Edoras...Again..." I said slowly. It seems we would have to go past it, so Soon-To-Be-King-Head-Honcho-Man-Guy-Person decided to stop—probably to have a little "private" moment with dear little Eowyn. Man would Arwen be royally pissed if I have proof of that...Oh the joy of causing chaos...

"Yes, indeed, you are quite observant," Legolas muttered boredly. 

"I am going to pretend I did not hear that..."

"Fine by me."

"If you both are going to start bickering like small children again, I am not going to listen to it!" Gimli murmured from behind Legolas. Grumpy old dwarf...I always knew he hated me. Him and Sam. And Legolas. And Aragorn. And Merry and Pippin. And heck, even Gandalf and Emily. Wait...that was everyone...THE WORLD HATES ME! YAY!

"You know what, Lorenzo?" I said, prodding Legolas in the shoulder.

"What? And my name is not Lorenzo," he answered.

"You're a lot more annoying than I thought you would be. And it is too."

"And how did you think I would act? And it's not Lorenzo!!"

"Quiet...Calm...Quiet...Intelligent...did I mention quiet? Stop going into denial, you KNOW you were born to be named Lorenzo."

"Are you saying I'm not any of those things? IT'S LEGOLAS!"

"Well, considering I kinda—"

"'Kinda,'" Emily repeated mockingly.

"—just insulted you, you were calm. But quiet I doubt sometimes...And intelligent? You don't want me to answer that one, Elf Boy. See, you're not even intelligent enough to know your own name! It IS Lorenzo."

"Is that supposed to mean something? AND NO IT'S NOT!"

"No...maybe...kinda...sorta...yeah. Yes, you are the Elf named Lorenzo."

"Ooo...ouch, that was harsh," Emily put in, visibly cringing. I kicked her again. That is so dang FUN.

"And you know what else? Lorenzo?" I added just for good measure. You never know how many 'Lorenzo' s it'll take before he'll crack.

"Do I really want to know this? AND IT IS LEGOLAS. L-E-G-O-L-A-S!!!" he asked irritably.

"Yes. You're name sounds like legless."

"What are you talking about, Katie, his name is Lorenzo!!" Emily said suddenly.

"Well, I mean, his FIRST name does. Lorenzo is now his official name. Hey! Lorenzo the Legless! 

"I am not legless!!"

"It can easily be arranged...Gimbal of Anchorage, Alaska, please kindly hack off this so-called "Elf's" legs," I asked Gimli, all sugar and honey.

"I am not Gimbal! I am Gimli, son of Gloin!" he cried indignantly. Dwarf men are easily offended...

"Okay, okay, okay, GIMLI. Please though?"

"No."

"Smi smate smou!" I cried and brandished a finger at him. They were all against me...Emily had joined forces with them even. I was all alone in this war...

"What was that?" he asked. Legolas turned slightly to address him.

"She speaks in gibberish, Gimli, pay her no attention." Hey, no fair, he talked fancy to everyone else except me! 

"Whatever, dude, it's a real language! It's the Sm language, and I made it up! ME! That's right, stupid Katie did, stupid Katie was smart enough to make up her own language!" I said, soundly a lot like Gimli. Oh the horror... "And you know what else? I CAN SAY CRAP IN ELVISH!!"

"There's an Elvish word for 'crap'?" Emily asked, confused. She picks the worst time to butt in, I swear.

"No, I mean junk. Or whatever, you KNOW what I mean."

"The thought of you speaking Elvish is laughable..." Legolas said lightly, raising an eyebrow carefully. 

"I can though!"

"Then please, by all means, do."

"Ich hasse Fische! Sterben Sie Sie gnadenloser Abschaum! Ich liebe Penguins. Ich liebe Zucker auch." 

"Katie...That's German."

"Keine Weise."

"¿Usted habla español o alemán?" I never knew Wallace paid attention in Spanish... 

"Nr., bilde ich heraus nicht mit Ihnen!" In fact, I never knew I paid attention in German either! Awesome!

"¡Pare el hablar en alemán! ¡Soy asno español, mudo!" she said, her voice thick with annoyance. We were really rambling off mindless sentences, because we didn't feel like really answering each other. It was clear that Gimli and Legolas were getting irritated.

"Sie wünschen Essiggurken mit dem? Traurig, Dame, haben wir keine Essiggurken." 

"Would you stop speaking in this gibberish?" Legolas snapped, clearly irritated. Since when did that stop the mad people?

"¡No puedo creerle soplé encima de Berlín!" Well, neither did I, Emily. 

"Emily, während des letzten Mal, Legolas ist nicht girly! Und eine andere Sache, der König der Eichelnotwendigkeiten, sein Haar zu waschen!" I cried, sounding indignant. She scowled at my comment. Oh no! She knows what I'm saying! What language to switch to now? Hmm...

"Ora li scommetto non conosco che cosa sto dicendo, strano!" I said finally. Italian! Never would she translate it, NEVER!! MWUHAHAHAH! 

"Le odio. Eso está engañando. ¡Usted tiene que hablar en una lengua que entiendo!" Ha, still speaking Spanish...

"Perchè avete ascoltato nello Spagnolo? Lo Spagnolo STA ALESANDO."

"¡Le cocinaré en un tazón de fuente de tripa de la perca si usted no habla inglés pronto!" she snapped in a threatening voice. My guess was it was a death warning...

"Amate... ARAGORN!" Hey, it was true...

"¿Qué sobre Aragorn?" I think I might just answer in Spanish...(insert sinister laughter here.)

"Dije, usted, Emily, amor Aragorn," I answered calmly. 5...4...3...2...1...And blow up time.

"¡cEso NO ES VERDAD! ¡cUsted MINTIENDO POCO PAGANO! ¡cNo AMO ARAGORN!"

"Eso era malo. ¿Usted no lo ama más?" This was alarming...

"¡No! ¡Nunca !" she denied.

"Seguro. ¿Cambie al alemán, usted? Es más fácil," I ordered her.

"Sie sind, Katie dumm. Ich hoffe Sie Würfel. Sie sind sie können nicht das Spanischen verstehen glücklich, weil, wenn sie taten, Sie jetzt TOT sein würden, TOT."

"Nr., sind Sie das dumme. Und sie sind von der mittleren Masse, sie nicht sogar wissen, wo Spanien IST."

"Emily? Denken Sie sie möchten uns jetzt töten?" I asked and gestured to Legolas and Gimli.

"Yeah denke ich so. Lassen Sie uns Schlechtes über sie sprechen!"

"Sie sind, aber gut ungerade." This child knows no morals...

"Legolas ist nicht gerade. Er ist ich erklärt Ihnen homosexuell, HOMOSEXUELL," she said and started to snicker at my face. Oh my God...She...she...she...

"Gut wissen Sie, was? Everytime Ihre kostbare Eichel geht vorbei ich müssen meine Nase halten! SO DORT!" I retorted angrily.

"Er ist mindestens und nicht eine nancing Prinzessin von Mirkwood manly."

"You Anruf, der schreckliches manly riecht?"

"Yeah schätze ich."

"Dann sind Sie dumm."

"Offensichtlich nicht dumm genug zu wie einem homosexuellen Mann." 

"LEGOLAS IS NOT GAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" I screamed at the top of my lungs. To late did I realize what I said. Emily was laughing uncontrollably. Obstinate Fool pranced nervously, making disapproving noises. 

"Sorry, Obstinate Fool, the other obstinate fool was making me mad," I said through gritted 

teeth. How dare she say those awful things? SHE'S A HORRIBLE MONSTER!

"I bet that's wig...and I bet it's powdered..." Emily mused. I swatted her head and elbowed her stomach. Someday, I was going to kill her...maybe even today. 

TRANSLATIONS

****

"Ich hasse Fische! Sterben Sie Sie gnadenloser Abschaum! Ich liebe Penguins. Ich liebe Zucker auch." — "I hate fish! Die you merciless scum! I love Penguins. I love sugars also."

"Keine Weise." –- Whatever—German 

"¿Usted habla español o alemán?" – "Do you speak Spanish or German?" 

"Nr., bilde ich heraus nicht mit Ihnen!" – "No I will not make out with you!"

"¡Pare el hablar en alemán! ¡Soy asno español, mudo!"—"Stop speaking German! I am Spanish, dumb ass!" 

"Sie wünschen Essiggurken mit dem? Traurig, Dame, haben wir keine Essiggurken." – "You want pickles with that? Sorry, lady, we don't have any pickles." 

"¡No puedo creerle soplé encima de Berlín!"—"I can't believe you blew up Berlin!" 

"Emily, während des letzten Mal, Legolas ist nicht girly! Und eine andere Sache, der König der Eichelnotwendigkeiten, sein Haar zu waschen!" – "Emily, for the last time, Legolas is not girly! And the King of Acorns needs to wash his hair!" 

"Ora li scommetto non conosco che cosa sto dicendo, strano!" – "Now I bet you don't know what I'm saying, freak!" 

"Le odio. Eso está engañando. ¡Usted tiene que hablar en una lengua que entiendo!" – "I hate you. That's cheating. You have to speak in a language I understand!"

"Perchè avete ascoltato nello Spagnolo? Lo Spagnolo STA ALESANDO." – "Why did you listen in Spanish? Spanish is BORING."

"¡Le cocinaré en un tazón de fuente de tripa de la perca si usted no habla inglés pronto." – I will cook you in a bowl of perch guts if you don't speak English soon. 

"Amate... ARAGORN!" – You love...Aragorn!

"¿Qué sobre Aragorn?" – What about Aragorn?

"Dije, usted, Emily, amor Aragorn." – I said you, Emily, love Aragorn.

"¡cEso NO ES VERDAD! ¡cUsted MINTIENDO POCO PAGANO! ¡cNo AMO ARAGORN!" – THAT IS NOT TRUE! YOU LYING LITTLE HEATHEN! I DON'T LOVE ARAGORN!

"Eso era malo. ¿Usted no lo ama más." – That's mean. You don't love him anymore?

"No! ¡Nunca!" – No! Never!

"Seguro. ¿Cambie al alemán, usted? Es más fácil." – Sure. Change to German, will you? It's easier.

"Sie sind, Katie dumm. Ich hoffe Sie Würfel. Sie sind sie können nicht das Spanischen verstehen glücklich, weil, wenn sie taten, Sie jetzt TOT sein würden, TOT." – You are stupid, Kate. I hope you die. You're lucky they can't understand Spanish, because if they did, you'd be DEAD. DEAD.

"Nr., sind Sie das dumme. Und sie sind von der Middle Earth, sie nicht sogar wissen, wo Spanien IST." – No, you are stupid. And they're from Middle Earth, they don't even know where Spain IS.

"Emily? Denken Sie sie möchten uns jetzt töten?" -- Emily? Do you think they want to kill us now?

"Yeah denke ich so. Lassen Sie uns Schlechtes über sie sprechen!" – Yeah, I think so. Let's talk bad about them!

"Sie sind, aber gut ungerade." – You're odd, but alright.

"Legolas ist nicht gerade. Er ist ich erklärt Ihnen homosexuell, HOMOSEXUELL." – Legolas is not straight. He is gay, I tell you, GAY."

"Gut wissen Sie, was? Everytime Ihre kostbare Eichel geht vorbei ich müssen meine Nase halten! SO DORT!" – Well you know what? Every time your precious Acorn goes by I have to hold my so. SO THERE!

"Er ist mindestens und nicht eine nancing Prinzessin von Mirkwood manly." – At least he's manly, and not a nancing Princess of Mirkwood.

"You Anruf, der schreckliches manly riecht?" – You call smelling bad manly?

"Yeah schätze ich." – Yeah, I guess.

"Dann sind Sie dumm." – Then you're stupid.

"Offensichtlich nicht dumm genug zu wie einem homosexuellen Mann." – Obviously I'm not dumb enough to like a gay man.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

YAY! Third one is UP!

Okay, I know this was confusing with all the Spanish, German, and Italian. But I swear, I only wanted to put in a few sentences. Now it's a big old conversation...Oh well, live with it. The author wanted to put in mixed language convos. 

No, I cannot really speak in German or Spanish or Italian fluently. The joys of translators!

Dy: *hisses and scratches at the locked door.* Give me the muse-ling back. I NEED him for inspiration!

Bjam: I dunno...I just...think of them. And I'll give Gimli one in the next chappie, ok? Gimbal doesn't count...I love my mottos too! Obstinate Fool says to give you a hug...lol

Cat: Yeah, I do too, but we have a "budget" therefore I have to check them out of the library to conserve money or whatever. Besides, the people at the library are nice...I firmly believe librarians are always nice. Lol, the next Hitler? Alrighty then. 

Little-lost-one: Really? I'm sure I don't MEAN to be against you. But anyway, hire someone—like a CIA person or Secret Service—NOT JAMES BOND. He'll demand you make out with him as payment...*shivers* SAY NO TO BOND!

Mellon: Weeeeeeeelll...I really dunno. It just, you know, POPS up in my head. Or Emily or Bonnie or someone gives me the idea. And woah, maybe they ARE related. COOL!

Dr. Evil and Toto: Oi...I've never seen the Klumps...therefore the poor little Elf cannot hear of it. *mournful sigh* And don't worry, I think Legolas is beginning to believe all of us Earth people are insane...But he better get his ass in gear...RUN FROM RICHARD SIMMONS, YOU STUPID ELF!

Elronds Bane: Dude, you're NOT LISTENING! THEY ARE MAMMALS! M-A-M-M-A-L-S!! Just because you don't SEE it doesn't mean it's not true. You are turning into a Perwin! (Person without imagination. I read it in this one book called "Razzle," really awesome book.)

Niffers: Yep, muddle puddles are great! 


	2. Enter Harold and, what the heck, Bonnie?

CHAPTER TWO  
  
I was inches from winning...Emily looked at me then at her last card. She bit her lip, then looked at MY last card. Back to hers. Then back to mine. Hers. Mine. Hers. Mine. I was getting impatient. She was already dead meat. She should accept her losses and get it over with. Back and forth went her eyes.  
  
We were in the dining hall of Edoras. Wonderful place for a card game, don't you think?  
  
"Just put the friggin card down, Emily."  
  
"No! I must win!"  
  
"You have one card left. Either you win, or you have to draw another card." We were playing Crazy Eights. Such an entertaining game. Emily wanted to play a game that involved betting/gambling/etc but neither of us had any money. But, I gave in, and decided whoever lost had to walk instead of ride Obstinate Fool when we set out.  
  
"I shall win! I shall!"  
  
"Then hurry up, we don't have all day."  
  
"It's night," Gimli grunted and shoved food in his face. Some people have no manners...Me being on of them, actually.  
  
"Whatever," I answered. Emily finally sighed, and picked up a card. YES! I WON! I slapped the eight of diamonds down on the deck and leaned back with a satisfied smirk. Winning was fun. Winning was especially fun if you won against Emily. Oh yes, victory was sweet.  
  
"I WON! IN YOUR FACE, DIRT BAG!" she screamed and jump up, dancing around like a lunatic. Wait. SHE won? Correction, I won.  
  
"No...actually, I did."  
  
"God, you're so blind! Can't you see I won? EMILY WON, EMILY WON, EMILY IS BETTER THAN KATIE!"  
  
"Yeah, just keep telling yourself that. You're going to need to when you're walking instead of riding the horse."  
  
"Whatever, dude."  
  
"Look, can you argue later? While you were debating over these little, insignificant issues, Aragorn decided we're sleeping here, then leaving after we breakfast tomorrow," Legolas interrupted. I nodded slowly. Sleep is good. I needed sleep.  
  
"Oklie doklie," I agreed and we rose. Off to visit the Sand Man, kiddies!  
  
**************  
  
"Woah...dude...like, it's...a rock."  
  
"Tis the Dark Door."  
  
"It's still a rock."  
  
"Katie, it's a door! Don't argue, nitwit," Emily snapped and shifted position behind me.  
  
"It is an evil door," Halbarad the Dunedain said. "And I'm sure my death is behind it..." His voice faded away and I shut him out. Boring old coot, I didn't want to listen to him.  
  
"I say we run FAR away," Emily commented and slipped off the horse. I stayed on, waiting for Aragorn to give the sign to keep moving.  
  
"Emily...there be no dandelions here."  
  
"Should there be?" she asked with a sigh. I could tell she was getting irritated with my mindless questioning.  
  
"Yes. Dandelions are my life source," I said desperately and slipped off Obstinate Fool. No, they were NOT my life source, but all the same, dandelions were incredibly over looked. As weeds, they had no rights in the flower world. They needed the love they deserved. So I would give it to them!  
  
Crouching on the ground, I looked at the dry grass in disdain. There really weren't any dandelions here. But wait-whoo hoo, I found one! It was poking out of a clump of dead grass, fighting for the dim sunlight, it's yellow petals drooping slightly. I picked it out of the ground and cupped it in my hands, then swung back onto Obstinate Fool. Emily did the same.  
  
"Poor baby," I cooed to it as soon as I was settled, concealing my grin as Emily gave me a horrified look. "You're left all alone in this barren wasteland that the King of Acorns has driven us to."  
  
"I'm not a baby!" it cried indignantly. Holy sh...sh...Shanghai. A DANDELION WAS TALKING TO ME!!!!!!!!  
  
"LEGOLAS!!!!!! THERE'S A DANDELION TALKING TO ME!!" I yelled and held out the dandelion. It "stood" up, supported by its stringy roots, and folded it's leaf arms in a pose that said, "you're buggin' me." Then, before my eyes, which seemed to be getting wider than the Empire State building, a face appeared in the center of the flower. Two beady black eyes stared back at me, and a thin line of a mouth was open, speaking quickly and curtly.  
  
"You stupid mortal, of course I'm talking to you! You see my mouth moving, don't you? You hear me speaking, don't you? Honestly, the human race gets dumber by the minute!" it screeched.  
  
"Katie, please, not right now," Legolas answered absently. I stared at him in wonderment. Could he not hear the little...flower...thing...talking??  
  
"Dude, wait a minute, IT'S TALKING TO ME. Get it through your thick, blond HEAD!!!" Emily clapped approvingly.  
  
"I refuse to answer you when you're being rude," he replied mildly.  
  
"I'm not an 'it' thank you very much! I have a name, you know!"  
  
"I have yet it hear it," I snapped. Why did all the insane things happen to me...I mean, I know I'm not exactly right in the head, but that's no excuse!  
  
"My name," the dandelion said dramatically. "is Harold. Harold B. Cornwall."  
  
"Harold B. Cornwall," I repeated faintly. I can see it now-I'm in the Twilight Zone! No, I have never seen an episode of the Twilight Zone, therefore I have no idea what I'm talking about. But I really don't care. I mean, there's a DANDELION talking to me for the love of Tolkien.  
  
"Yes, that's right. Now, tell me, where are you and your party headed?" he demanded to know.  
  
"We're going through the Paths of the Dead," I answered slowly, trying to understand why I was talking to a dandelion. Was I already hallucinating? This was a serious problem. Maybe I'm schizophrenic or something.  
  
"Wonderful. Just peachy. Alright, well, I'm coming with you. It's better than that irritating patch of grass. They keep fighting for all the water! I mean, really people, I'm a poor little dandelion-"  
  
"That can move and talk," Emily put in. She seemed totally unfazed by the whole thing. Hmmm...strange...could she have staged this? Nah...she's not smart enough to.  
  
"and they should be more considerate of me!" Harold ended with a "humph!" and jumped down from my hand. He waddled up to the saddle horn and sat down. A dandelion sitting down is a very strange sight.  
  
"Great, a talking dandelion is sitting on my horse," I muttered.  
  
"Follow me!" Aragorn cried suddenly and everyone surged forward. 'Oh, sure, follow the King of Acorns because he looks kingly and has a higher rank,' I couldn't help but think. It was true! If I said, "Follow me!" everyone would laugh and walk away in the opposite direction. I mentioned this to Emily.  
  
"Well, of course they would. Look at yourself. Do you really think they would listen to someone who calls herself the Lard Lord?" she said plainly.  
  
"Your name is the Lard Lord?" Harold the dandelion cried and hooted with laughter. I glared at him.  
  
"No, it's the Dark Lord of the Daisy Balloons."  
  
"I hate daisies," Harold said, suddenly sounding sullen and pouty.  
  
"Why is that?" Emily asked curiously.  
  
"I once had a girlfriend who's name was Eglantine, and she was a daisy. She dumped me for some disheveled old wild flower! The guy wasn't nearly as beautiful as me," he said stiffly and wrinkled the minute nose on his face. I raised an eyebrow and didn't reply. We passed through to the darkness after the doorway, and the black engulfed us. Eek.  
  
"Katie? Katie? Where are you? Speak to me, Katie!" Emily shrieked and she must have been feeling around with her hands for my arm, but instead she wacked me in the eye.  
  
"Ow! Emily!"  
  
"Sorry, are you alright?" she asked, not sounding very worried about my condition.  
  
"Oh I'm dandy."  
  
"Diiin!" I heard Legolas snap.  
  
"I don't wanna be quiet," I whined. But I did be quiet. It seemed like a good idea. Just because I knew no one would die didn't mean I wasn't freaked out. Several times something cobwebby brushed my leg. GROSSNESS. However, being the good little doggie I am, I didn't scream like a Mary Sue. That would be the worst ridiculing ever.  
  
Soon we stopped by the "remains" of some dead guy. I hardly thought it was interesting and Emily seemed to agree with me. I felt her shudder behind me, and heard her intake breath sharply. I grinned in the darkness. Hehe, Wallace is scared of bones...Now that I think of it, it's pretty creepy anyway.  
  
"Hither shall the flowers of simbelmynë come never unto world's end," Aragorn said softly with a sigh. "Nine mounds and seven there are now green with grass, and through all the long years he has lain at the door that he could not unlock. Whither does it lead? Why would he pass? None shall ever know! For that is not my errand," he cried, and turned back to the waiting darkness. "Keep your hoards and secrets hidden in the Accursed Years! Speed only we ask. Let us pass, and then come! I summon you to the Stone of Erech!" There goes the fancy language on some dead people again...  
  
Only an icy gust of wind answered, which blew out the torches. They couldn't be re-lit after that. We trudge on in silence. We dropped back beside Legolas and Gimli.  
  
"The Dead are following," Legolas said in a hushed whisper. Creepy...again...I wonder if the Elf is turning into some dead guy himself. Them eyes sure do look like a walking dead man's eyes...At least in the dark. "I can see the shapes of men and horses, and pale banners like shreds of cloud, and spears like winter-thickets on a misty night. The Dead are following."  
  
"So poetic," I said dryly.  
  
"Yes, the Dead ride behind. They have been summoned," Elladan, who rode behind us, murmured.  
  
Finally our Company came out of the evil tunnel. I shivered, even in the growing light. That was a pleasant excursion to the land of dead people.  
  
"Well, that was a dandy little joy ride," I muttered. Harold snorted.  
  
"You are crazy. That was awful. Did you see the skeleton?" he cried and shook his petalled head. I blinked, having forgotten he was there. I guess I better get used to have a talking dandelion sitting on Obstinate Fool with me...  
  
"Where in Middle Earth are we?" Gimli and Emily asked at the same time.  
  
"We're in the Morthond Vale. Or Blackroot," I answered before Elladan could open his mouth with a reply. A village spread out before us. People turned out the light in their houses, and shut windows and door in terror. I couldn't help but smirk. That's it lowly mortals, COWER BEFORE THE WRATH OF THE DARK LORD OF THE DAISY BALLOONS!!! MWHAHAHAHAH!  
  
"That sounds like a nice name. Nice place too. The people here are so welcoming!" Emily answered me in a sarcastic tone. Yeesh, she doesn't have to be so mean...  
  
Suddenly, a high pitched voice cried out, "BONNIEEEEEE!!!!" My head jerked up. Could it be?  
  
*************************  
  
Okay peeps, sorry for the delay of updating. Had a bit of a writers block moment on this and This Is Still My Life.  
  
Don't ya'll love Harold? He's so cool...  
  
Amy Crowell (I have no idea if you are even still reading this, and quite frankly I don't care): Wow, such a CONSTRUCTIVE review. I can REALLY make my fics better now that you've decided my work "sucks." Thanks for your contribution to the revival of Bob though. And by the way, in case you hadn't noticed, the genre is humor/parody. Ridiculous situations, sayings, and people usually are in humor fics. Don't like it, don't read it. Simple as that.  
  
Dr. Evil: Yes, I have heard of those people (I'd be an idiot if I hadn't, lol). You eat penguins? Evil person! Penguins rock. And you know what? It's strange, because me and Bonnie were playing Sim City the other day, and she types in a sign that says "Toe Jam!" just randomly. Cool coincidence! And that idea is very scarring...I am, after all, not even fifteen in real life. I think I'll stick with clothes on for now...lol  
  
Rainbowspy: Well, we have one flame...Bob lives! *throws in flames for Bob*  
  
Cat: And may I ask...why? Libraries are meant to be safe-houses for the intellectuals who are constantly in need of literature. PLUS it's a nice place to hide from people.  
  
Nallie: NOOOO!!! NOT THE ELF!!! *hands over the url* HERE!!! AND HERES MY CAR KEYS! WAIT, I DON'T HAVE A CAR!! CRAP! FINE, HAVE MY HOUSE KEY! Oh sugar, now I can't get in...(okay, sorry, getting BACK on subject here...) The URL is and it's so cool. Don't use it for criminal intentions, and/or insulting foreign ambassadors, for they a quick to anger and hit you with the shiny black cane all people of ambassadorism carry.  
  
CrimsonElf: YES! SHE'S HOOKED ON LANGUAGE TRANSLATORS! Aren't they so COOL? So far I can say "acorn" and "pickle" in German off the top of my head. It does wonders for the intellect, don't you agree? And dryer sheets are BONNIE'S fault, not mine. She's the one who keeps sniffing my shirt sleeve or yanking my pony-tail and sniffing that. I BLAME THE BONNIE PERSON!  
  
Dy: I never implied he was gay! EMILY did. Blame her, not sweet little moi. I'll lend you Lego for...*thinks for a moment* One whole week if you give me your swirly chair. I don't have one now...it broke. I'm sitting on one of those uncomfortable metal ones. Ick.  
  
Amari Tinviel: That wasn't nice! I did not copy you! Croutons have a natural force that pulls people into addiction. Sadly though, we are fresh out of them...*cries* THE WORLD IS SO CRUEL!! I try and I try to make you people understand that I NEED my croutons, and yet I haven't so much as gotten ONE SHIPMENT ALL WEEK! *sniffs.* *pause* Woah, dude, I think I just had an emotional break-down...YAY!!! ^_^  
  
Songelf: Me no speak Deutsch. I cheated...remember that, Obi Wan, for the duct tape is trickier than it looks. It has a light side, AND a dark side. Do not trust it at all.  
  
Little-lost-one: Hmmmm...would German mercenaries work? I use those when someone is holding a grudge against me...they work perfectly!  
  
Elronds Bane: HA! I knew you would see things my way! *waves little flags that say "Peaches Are People Too!"* Anyway, yes, college. I fear for any college professor that gets Emily to teach though...AND furthermore, I never said Legolas was gay! Emily did! And still does on occasion. BUT FRODO IS DEFTINTATELY NOT GAY! He's just being stalked by Sam...*scowl* 


	3. And You Thought I Was Bad

CHAPTER THREE  
  
"Katie...please tell me I'm hallucinating," Emily hissed as the brown head started bobbing out of view. I squinted feebly then looked at Legolas.  
  
"Legolas...can you see-"  
  
"There's a little girl running after a young woman, and she's calling her name, which seems to be Bonnie," the Elf answered after a moment of gazing at the retreating figures.  
  
"Woah, dude, Bonnie has poofed up here too!" I said and sighed. Poor Middle Earth. God could have at least given them a break by not sending Boolanda here too. Oh well. "Be right back, okay? I'll be just a minute. Hold this," I added and thrust Harold into Legolas's hands. The Elf looked down at the dandelion, startled to find it had a face. Which was looking more and more irritated by the minute.  
  
"Alright..." I kicked Obstinate Fool into a gallop. It took a moment, but he started eventually. Wow, the horse is actually obeying me. We tore toward the two people in the distance. Emily was clutching the saddle in desperate attempts to not become unhorsed. I was having slight trouble myself. Finally Obstinate Fool pulled around the two girls and screeched to a halt. He let out a snort, and stomped one leg warily, as if expecting thanks. Well, fine.  
  
"Thank thy tablecloth for the fine meal," I said to the horse, but patted his neck anyway. He tossed his mane in reply. Emily panted behind me.  
  
"Kaitlin, never ever do that again," she hissed. I ignored her and looked down. Sure enough, Bonnie was standing there, holding the little girl's hand, blinking rapidly. Her mouth slowly dropped in surprise.  
  
"Katie?"  
  
"Top o' the mornin' to ye Put Put," I said and grinned at her astonished expression.  
  
"What are you doing here?" she cried and yanked me off the horse to hug me.  
  
"I poofed here," I answered matter-of-factly.  
  
"Emily too?" she asked, even though it was obvious the Wally Woman was gasping for air at my side.  
  
"Yes'm."  
  
"Awesome! Are you traveling with someone?" she questioned excitedly.  
  
"Uh huh..." I trailed off, reluctant to tell her who I was traveling WITH.  
  
"Who?" she persisted.  
  
"I forgot."  
  
"Tell me, Katie."  
  
"Never."  
  
"Fine. Where'd you turn up at first?"  
  
"Rivendell," I said slowly.  
  
"Oh. I turned up here. Cinthanthium and her family agreed to let me stay with them for a while. Fun, huh? But now that you poofed up here, I think I'll just come along with you. Hold on a second. Come on, Cinth," Bonnie said to the little girl. She seemed calm about the whole situation. Then again, she had probably already gotten used to having herself here already. Pretty much like I was feeling. She and the girl-who was obviously the Cinthanthium person-took off toward the village. I blinked and then sighed. Great. Another freak to add to our procession. I swung back onto Obstinate Fool.  
  
Bonnie came back into sight fifteen minutes later. I crossed my arms, impatient for her to get back to us. She finally reached us and tossed her bag up to Emily, who caught it at the last minute. Then, Bonnie hugged the little girl, and scrambled onto Obstinate Fool without asking. Talk about courtesy.  
  
"So, where and who are we going back to?" she asked when we started at a brisk trot back to the Company.  
  
"I can't tell. If I do you'll run off in that direction screaming, 'CATCH THE HOTT ELFIES!!'"  
  
"Wait a minute-Leggy's here? YIPPIE!!" she yelled and clapped her hands. I rolled me eyes and hope she wouldn't kill anyone. You can never tell with loony-bin escapees. When we were almost back to the group, Bonnie slipped off and rocketed toward the Elf. Emily and I stayed where we were on Obstinate Fool though. We soon pulled up to Aragorn, who simply pointed to the back of the line, where Legolas was trying to detach a sugar high Bonnie from his middle. I bit back a laugh and slid off as Emily did, trotting over to the Elf.  
  
"Poor Elfling. Stuck in the clutches of an apprentice Satan," I clucked sympathetically.  
  
"I'll take one arm, you take the other," Emily said and we yanked Bonnie away from Legolas. He straightened, brushing himself off, looking very annoyed. Harold was on the ground screeching about how it ruined his dignity to be dropped on the ground. I scooped up the angry dandelion, and tried to keep a firm hold on Bonnie's arm.  
  
"And, look, it's Aragorn!" Bonnie screeched and struggled. She broke away and began to prance around Aragorn's horse. The horse gave her a wild look, and started backing away. She paused, and added, "I like the horsies too. There's lots."  
  
"That's nice, Bonnie, now come over here. You can pet my horsie if you do," I said in a coddling voice. The young'un would have to be bribed in order to calm down. T'was the only way.  
  
"Smo smay," she said and obediently and reached up to pat Obstinate Fool.  
  
"We cannot linger. Katie, Emily, come, don't hold us-"  
  
"Hush up, Elven Hottness, or else I'll attack you again!" Bonnie snapped and continued to pet my horse. I raised my eyebrow. She's creepy...Then again, so is everyone else in the world.  
  
"Aragorn, we have a new addition to our party," I said slowly to Aragorn, hoping he wouldn't object. I was positive even if he did, Bonnie would still follow us or stalk us or something, but still, it'd be nice to sleep without feeling insecure. Then again, I always did feel insecure with SOME of these people.  
  
"Katie, please, just get back in formation so we can go."  
  
"Sir, yes, sir!" I yelled and saluted. Emily pulled Bonnie onto Obstinate Fool. He didn't seem to happy about carrying three people at once, but oh well. He would survive. Now, if you assume any of us HUMANS would survive, then you have another thing coming. I'll tell you one thing, and that's that Bonnie never shuts up. She WILL find something or another to ramble on about. One way or another.  
  
*********  
  
"Don't you think there's more clouds in the sky here than on Earth, Katie?" Bonnie asked after a while.  
  
"Zip it," I muttered.  
  
"Emily, do you still believe Aragorn's name is pronounced Aragon?" she wondered aloud fifteen minutes later.  
  
"Yeah, now be quiet," Emily snapped.  
  
"Hey, Legolas, can I sell your shirt at an auction?" she questioned Legolas ten minutes later. Legolas didn't reply, but I saw him breath in deeply, as though trying to control his annoyance.  
  
"I want to see your sword, Aragorn," she said when the Elf gave no sign of answering. That didn't get her anywhere either. This girl needs better social skills.  
  
"Gimli, did you know that you get to go sailing when you grow up?" she informed Gimli, who simply ignored her. These people learned fast. Probably from having me hang around so much.  
  
"Hey, look, it's a talking dandelion! He's so cute!" she cried and plucked Harold from his seat on my shoulder. To do this, she had to lean around Emily. At the same moment she was talking, Obstinate Fool stumbled and she sputtered when she spoke.  
  
"Crap, I just spit in Emily's hair! Sorry Emiloo!" she said when she leaned back and looked at Emily's head.  
  
"BONNIE!!!!!!!!!!" I finally yelled so loud that Obstinate Fool started to tense under me. Quickly, I quieted him down. I still feared him bolting on my again. That would so not be cool. Definitely not.  
"Yes, Katie? There's no need to shout," Bonnie said innocently. Grr...  
  
"Bonnie, dear, just SHUT UP, get that through your head," I said slowly and loudly so she really would get it. Was this the torture I put others through? On the one hand, I sincerely hoped it was. It was truly a nightmare, which would achieve my life goal. But on the other hand, I felt very sorry for those who I put through this. Only a sliver of regret though. It was far too much fun to feel very sorry.  
  
"But...but...Katie! You know that I can't do that! That would defeat the whole purpose for coming along on this joyride!" she said in horror.  
  
"You don't even know where the joyride is going," Emily remarked.  
  
"So?"  
  
"We're going to Gondor..." Legolas turned around and gave me a weird look. Like I was weird or something. Wait. I am. But it was different.  
  
"How'd you know that?" he asked. I stopped for a moment to ponder this. How did I know it? Well, of course!  
  
"I read the Lord of the Rings. Every person who is a real Tolkienite has. And if you are a Tolkienite, it's common knowledge to know that after Aragorn awakens the dead dudes, it's off to Gondor, the wonderful land of Gondor," I said finally. Such a simple answer, but it took me a while to think of it. It just goes to show how stupid I am.  
  
"I see..."  
  
"Katie, please, CUT THE WIZARD OF OZ QUOTES! You've been saying them ever since we got here!" Emily cried.  
  
"You got a problem with the Wizard of Oz?"  
  
"YES!!!"  
  
"Is that so, Dorothy?"  
  
"GAHHHHHH!!!!!!!!" You know, it's fun driving Emily up the wall. It's very easy too. Why do I think that? Well, I have several theories.  
  
M first theory is the Reverse Psychology Theory. She could be faking it. She might think that if she keeps pretending it annoys her, I'll get tired of it. Fat chance, I'll never give up. But I must say, reverse psychology is a good idea. I would have though of it myself.  
  
Another is the Crazy Magnet Theory. She might be working for higher forces. These higher forces don't want my crazy looniness to affect their plots, so what do they do? The send Emily down in place of themselves. This way, Emily will be affected by the randomness and not them. She sort of would be a magnet. All of the crazy energy would flow to her. Those higher forces would be left in peace.  
  
There's also the simpler theory, which I call the Simple Theory (it's a rather brilliant name). I could be just driving her crazy and that's all. It's a boring thought, but there is a lot of truth to it. I sincerely doubt that higher forces would ask Emily to work for him. I mean, come on, it's Emily. I bet she couldn't keep a job sweeping floors at the local supermarket if she tried. Anyway, that theory, while the most uninteresting one yet, seems the most true one.  
  
And the last theory is the Big Bang Theory. I think it's already safe to say that Emily is an alien. But what if she were an alien on a mission? Her mission might just be to brain wash me. This life time is but a test, to see if I am capable of being taken up into the alien colony. See, I think she might have warped me into the crazy, insane mental prisoner I am now. In doing this, it makes me more able to accept the fact that aliens want me to join them. The aliens must want me for my excellent intelligence. Indeed, I am quite smart (Deny it all you want, but I am smart!!). So, when I am weird enough, they will beam me up into their big happy alien family!  
  
Hmm...I think way too much. I really should stop doing that.  
  
******** Alright peeps. I'm really sorry this took so long to update. I had major case of writers block. I hate it when that happens. It's probably because I got Sims Superstar. IT ROCKS MAN! I love it so much!  
  
Anyway, you can all thank...that person. That person who IMed me last night! You never told me your name, shame on you whoever you are...  
  
Cat: yes, screaming is a necessity. So is music when doing homework.  
  
Dy: Nuh uh. I have full custody over the Elf! Trust me on this one. You can borrow Orlando Bloom though, just not Lego. And I know he's not gay! But SOME of us seem to think that. *shoots an accusing glare at Emily.*  
  
CrimsonElf: Yes, you can blame the Bonnie Person or the Emily Person, just not the Katie Person.  
  
Audrey: I'll sell you one for nine hundred dollars and fifty three cents...Interested?  
  
Bjam: No, I wish I'd done five, but nope, only three now. Talking dandelions are awesome. Besides, Harold is a good name for a dandelion, don't you think? And no, I wasn't at the Hobbit Weed! I was just getting high off caffine...Yeah, I SHOULD have done the "I see dead people" and yet...I never thought of it. BAD KATIE!  
  
Songelf: *gasp* You're parents ate it? HOW DARE THEY? GET YOUR PITCHFORKS MEN, MAN THE WATER CANON! Tonight we raid the sugar supply! 


	4. More Mind Boggling Conversations

CHAPTER FOUR  
  
'How did I get stuck here again?' I wondered sourly and leaped up again to spew my guts over the rail. Oh yeah, it was LEGOLAS'S idea. And Aragorn's. And Gimli's too. They were all in on it! I mean, God, it wouldn't have hurt to just WALK to Gondor. But no, we have to take boats from the dead guys and sail there! Of course! What a brilliant idea!  
  
"Katie, are you done yet? Because if you are, then you better come here," I heard Emily screech from...somewhere. I don't keep tabs on everyone at all times. I mean, give me a break!  
  
I groaned, and grabbed a nearby bucket, holding out in front of my like a shield. You never know when the Spirits of Seasickness will attack. They're tricky little devils that enjoy watching me loose my lunch every fifteen minutes.  
  
I finally asked one of the sailors where Bonnie and Emily were. He said up in the crow's nest. I thanked the skeletony dude and looked up at the long pole with the flimsy little nest up there. WAAAAAY up there. Eep.  
  
It's funny, I was already used to having half the people on the ship dead people that were alive. They weren't actual real authentic skeletons though, more like skeletons with this thick black fog hanging around them. Somewhat like what a Nazgul might look like if you took away his cloak. Wait, that was a bad example. That would NOT be a pretty sight though.  
  
Anyway, heights didn't worry me too much, as long as I didn't have to jump off, so I climbed up to the crow's nest without any trouble. I didn't even hurl!  
  
"What do you want?" I grumbled when I reached the top. The sight before me was an...interesting one, let's just say. Bonnie, Emily, Harold, and the look out (who was-wow, you never would have guessed-another living dead guy) were seated on the floor with a stack of cards that look suspiciously fake. I reached down a picked one up. It was a crudely drawn eight of hearts. Oh my sweet crouton, they're gambling!!!  
  
"BONNIE TABITHA!! EMILY GEMIMA!!! EXPLAIN TO ME WHY YOU'RE GAMBLING WITH THE DEAD LOOKOUT AND THE TALKING DANDELION!!!" I yelled and snatched up the cards. Gambling and my two friends were not good mixes!!  
  
"God, Katie, don't get your panties in a twist. We're just-" Emily began to say but I interrupted again.  
  
"Oh God, don't start with that preppy saying with the panties!! WHO THE FUZZ EVER WANTED TO CALL THEIR UNDERWEAR PANTIES? I sure don't! THEY'RE UNDERWEAR! AND THAT'S THAT!" I cried and pointed a warning finger at Emily. Normally I wouldn't care if they were gambling. Heck, I'd even join in. I wouldn't care if Emily called my undergarments panties either (even though I call them underwear, which is the proper and true name, no matter what everyone else says!) but seasickness makes you do crazy things. Veeeery crazy things.  
  
"ALRIGHT! Shut your hole, please. We are playing GO FISH with Harold and Nightcrawler," she said. What? Nightcrawler? WHERE!! I wanna see the blue guy!!  
  
"Come on, Katie, you're playing with us!" Bonnie said cheerfully and yanked me down. And then suddenly that weird feeling you get in your throat came up and I had to spew again. When that was over, Bonnie handed me cards.  
  
"Hold it, where's Nightcrawler? Was he dropped into Middle Earth from his little X-men world or something?" I asked before we began.  
  
"Nooo. Not that Nightcrawler. His real name is Fortenorshalostenamenkatopriquenmithnotosistkyst but we decided that was way too long-"  
  
"No kidding."  
  
"And way too hard to pronounce all the time so we named him Nightcrawler. Because, you know, he's blue," Emily explained. Indeed, instead of being black and glowing, he was blue and glowing.  
  
"Not gay blue by the way," Bonnie added. We proceeded to play the game, no talking much until Bonnie decided to open her mouth. Big surprise, I mean, really, Bonnie NEVER opens her big mouth. Note the sarcasm.  
  
"I am infatuated with a spatula." I started to laugh hysterically, even though some people would consider that hardly funny. Emily started to snicker a little, and the Nightcrawler dude just sort of stared at us like we were insane. Which we are.  
  
"Pardon me, but, ah, what are you talking about?" he asked slowly, as though trying to comprehend what Bonnie declared.  
  
"Uh, you know, Nightcrawler, we don't really know either," Emily said finally.  
  
"I'm leaving you nut-cases to your deaths. C'mon, Harold, let's go find Legolas or Aragorn and ask him when we'll be there," I said with a sigh and slapped the so called "cards" down on the floor. Harold scrambled up my sleeve and onto my shoulder. Taking a deep breath, and forcing myself not to look down, I shimmied over the edge of the crow's nest. Five minutes later I was on the ship deck again, puking.  
  
"Oh, hurry up old chap-"  
  
"Don't you 'old chap' me! I am not old!!!" I said to Harold and straightened, determined not to throw up again. I left the bucket now filled with...well, yeah, and ambled off to find Aragorn or Legolas.  
  
I found both of them both at the front of the ship, looked out onto the...big river...thing. Do you really expect me to pay attention to the names of things when I'm hurling all the time? Thank you. Anyway, once again, they were gibbering in Elvish. Neither of the noticed me. It was then I decided to annoy them and confuse them out of their little minds. Again.  
  
"She did WHAT?" I cried after Aragorn finished saying something. I was speaking directly to the air in front of me. They ignored me and continued talking. Harold was giving me strange looks. "I SO cannot believe she is like, going out with HIM!" Once again, I was ignored. "And ohmigod, I cannot believe she WORE that horrendous skirt to SCHOOL! That skirt is SO last year! And her shirt? Give me a break! Since when were the Milk Drunkards popular? PU-lease!"  
  
"Can you please leave?" Legolas asked me finally, glaring. I feigned a shocked expression and gasped, ignoring the Elf and continuing my conversation with the air.  
  
"BETTY! I can't believe it, why did you TELL me he kissed you?" I cried and clapped my hands together in amazement at nothing at all.  
  
"I have no earthly idea of what you're talking about," Aragorn said and gave me "the look".  
"Seriously? You're mom didn't mind that you bombed the algebra quiz? Ooooooohmigod, you are SO LUCKY! My mom would never let me get away with that. And-seriously? SHE said that? To your FACE? Oooh she's such a witch!!" I screamed and rambled on like a Mary Sue for five more minutes. All the time I was pretending I was talking to the air in front of me. Then finally I said, "Alright, Betty, I'll talk to you later! See ya girlfriend!" and pretended to hand up a phone.  
  
Then, I finally I smiled, and turned around. Then, I let myself finally notice Aragorn and Legolas were there and gave them a blank stare. Finally, I pulled an angry expression on my face and glared at Legolas, shaking a finger at him.  
  
"I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU!" I yelled in his face. "I CAN'T TAKE LIVING IN THE SAME ROOM AS YOU!!!" After saying this, I resumed my blank expression.  
  
"Katie, are you alright?" Aragorn asked gingerly.  
  
"Of course. Why would you think otherwise?" I asked innocently, acting as though I did nothing minutes ago that they could hold against me. NEVER WOULD I BE GIVEN A SNORKLER'S GUIDE TO PAINTING!  
  
"You were screaming at Legolas just a moment ago," he reminded me. I gave him a confused look.  
  
"Screaming? Why would I scream at Legolas?" I inquired slowly. Hehe, my plan was working perfectly!  
  
"I don't know, but you were," Legolas said haughtily. Talk about indignant. God, all I did was yell at him...  
  
"Whatever. I did not! I never did! You two were hallucinating or something. I can't believe you would think that I would do something as mean as that to Leggy! I'm the nicest person in the world! God! I thought you guys were my friends! But if you're going to make conclusions like THAT one without proper evidence, I don't want to even know you. You're so-so-so- cruel! I HATE YOU!" I cried and crossed my arms over my chest before stomping off, Harold in tow.  
  
As I rounded the corner I burst into a fit of laughter. MWUAHAHAHAHA! How easily it was to make them feel guilty. And I was so good at it too! Maybe I could take it up as a real job. And get paid for it!  
  
Nah.  
  
**************  
  
I know, I know, waaay short. Oh well, live with it. I'm tired. It's 12:30 and I STILL haven't gotten to take possession of the TV yet. DERN IT! I'll never be able to watch Spy Game or Ocean's Eleven or LOTR. DERN IT, DERN IT, DERN IT!  
  
Wishful Menace: Ha! I KNOW WHO YOU ARE! AND I KNOW WHAT YOU ARE NOT! AND YOU ARE NOT GODS! Sorry, a little hyper there...Harold rocks my socks too. Now, onto more pressing matters. Young padewon, I demand your screen name again because I didn't add you to my buddy list like I thought I did. Silly Katie, Trix are for kids! Oops, wrong line...Anyway, I need to bother you back. Won't that be fun? SO SMILE, YOU'RE ON CANDID CAMERA!  
  
Gate Keeper-slash-CrimsonElf-slash-Calley: Katles! I HAVE A NEW ALIAS! YAY! No sleep is not cool. Young lady, go take your sleeping pills and sleep forever! Sorry, just had to say that. Luke? WHERE? I don't see any Lukes...Rip off, man!  
  
Bjam: Well...well...no. I can't live without my muses! Plus they are my imaginary friends. I can't live without my imaginary friends. But you can visit them anytime you want. And I would have to say I'd be purple. Darkish glowy purple with dark green eyeballs. Fun, huh?  
  
Dy: Grr...nuh uh!! For the last time, HE'S ALL MINE! Never will I share! I didn't pass pre-school, after all!  
  
Cat: I wouldn't put it past humans...They're not good people! I am not human though. I am not entirely sure WHAT I am. I do know, however, that somewhere in me, I am part Elf. I SWEAR ON MY GRAVE THAT I AM! 


	5. Author Note, SORRY!

Hey kiddies...  
  
Yeah, yeah, yeah, I haven't updated in forever. I'm experiencing the dreaded writers block. I don't know why; maybe it's because the Torture Period is coming; maybe it's because I think everything I put down sounds shitty; maybe because I have no motivation at the moment. I dunno. Don't ask me! BUT hang in there with me. Remember, you people who review make me extra happy. Reviews make good for inspiration. Right now I feel like writing something angsty and sad...Maybe because I'm sad that I don't have the fifth Harry Potter books yet (I'M WATCHING YOU MOTHER!! ALWAYS WATCHING!! You're too obvious woman! Much too obvious. I know everything! EVERYTHING! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA!)  
  
Yes, well, I don't have the fifth book yet. I hope you, Mom, know how much pain I am feeling right now. I'm trying so dang hard not to give into the spoilers...You better hope my suspicions are right, or I'll have you head! YES, that IS a threat.  
  
Anyhoo, back on topic now. I'm hoping to get back in gear and write more on TIML and the Stupid Trilogy (such an awful name, but it will have to do). If I post up a Harry Potter fic, don't yell at me for not working on TIML. If you people do, I'll start holding chapters for ransom! That's right! COWER BEFORE THE WRATH OF KATIE!! Stop getting off topic...  
  
Besides, a well written chapter is better than a crappy one, right? I'm guessing if I try writing anything at the moment, it will turn out as the latter, which no one wants now, do we? Give me time, children, and I will reward you for your patience!!  
  
That is all.  
  
Or not.  
  
I WANT HP 5!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
NOW, I'm done.  
  
Namaari,  
  
Katie Bartholomew 


	6. Lavern Ditches Her Boat

CHAPTER FIVE  
  
"Lorenzo..."  
  
"I'm not answering to that name!" Legolas snapped irritably as we approached Pelennor Fields. I glanced up at him with a scowl. He didn't notice, however, because he was watching Aragorn's big flag thing being yanked up onto the ship's mast. Aragorn was standing further ahead of us, looking at the Gondor men on the fields. They seemed to be very happy to see Aragorn. The Orcs, however, were not, and they were jumping into the water, and fleeing before the ships. That's right, COWER YOU FOOLS! It's amazing; just a moment ago they were cheering for us. But they were fooled! Yes they were! No, we are not the massive army coming to save your sorry hides, little foul beasts, we are the ones who are coming for your soul, WE ARE THE L.G.M.s!  
  
"Okay, okay, whatever. I have a problem. A major one. I keep hearing Sims singing rock songs in my mind. Is that a bad thing?" I asked him. I was ignored again though. No one listened to me, I swear! Hmmm... "Hey, Legolas, a Balrog is standing behind you." Grr...alright, that's it, time for the big guns. "The Balrog that's also known as Ariavasiel." MWUAHAHAHAHA!  
  
"I'm sure," he said dully and turned around, raising his eyebrow questioningly.  
  
"Now listen to me!! Or I'll sing the Happy Tree Elf song!!" I threatened. I was serious. I would use the bigger guns if I had to.  
  
"The what song?"  
  
"The Happy Tree Elf song!" I cried happily. That's right, he had never heard it before...poor lost soul.  
  
"Eru help me..."  
  
"Ooooh, I'm a happy tree Elf, tree Elf, I'm a happy tree Elf la-da-da- dee-dee!" I sang in a high voice. "Oh look there's a little foooooox! He looks like he wants to plaaaaaaay! CHOMP!!" I made the sound of jaws snapping over something and grinned at the Elf. He gave me the infamous evil look.  
  
"Thank you for that unentertaining performance. Now go away," he said through gritted teeth. I shot him a beaming smile.  
  
"Didn't you like it?"  
  
"No."  
  
"W-w-what?" My eye opened wide and my made my lower lip tremble. The puppy dog face. Muhahahahaha... "But it's a work of art! You're mean!!! SAY YOU'RE SORRY!!"  
  
"KATIE!"  
  
"Alright, alrighty, God, I'm shutting up now..."  
  
"Good!"  
  
"I'm a lost puppy. I need a home. Adopt me!"  
  
"Leave me alone!!"  
  
"What a way to treat a poor little puppy..." I said in remorse. Who knew Legolas was such a cruel loser? "Who lives in a pine apple under the sea?" I sang in revenge.  
  
"Go—away—now!!"  
  
"NUH UH! SPONGE BOB SQUARE PANTS! That's what you're supposed to say! Stupid Elf, useless long eared loser!" I cried and stalked off. Bahh...Emily and Bonnie were better than HIM. And that's really saying something...  
  
As I was walking down the length of the ship, searching for the two Idiots I was forced to refer to as my friends, I couldn't help but look out over the railing. Uh oh. Don't look down, Katie. DO NOT LOOK DOWN AT THE BIG CHURNING SEA WAVE THINGS! Instead I looked at the bank of the river which we were just about to land on. Ahhh...good stuff. The Orcs were nearly gone. The Men fighting on the land seemed to find new energy and began to slaughter the little fools. Whee! I wouldn't have to fight! Because sure enough, I was willing to bet I'd end up under another Orc...NOT good.  
  
"Bart! Look! The little Orcies are running away from those dudes over there!" Bonnie suddenly appeared at my shoulder and was tugging my sleeve, pointing.  
  
"Yes, Bonnie, dear, I know," I said and detached my self from her grip and leaned over to hiss to Emily, "Why didn't you lock her in a cage? I thought you had more sense that this, woman! Honestly..."  
  
"Shut up, Katie, you moron. BE SERIOUS!" she screeched and sent me a look. I glared back at her and we continued to stare each other down. My eyes began to water and I blinked.  
  
"HA! I won! I won the staring contest!" she cried shrilly and jumped around happily, clapping. "Oh boy, I won the lottery!"  
  
"We don't have an Oklahoma lottery. Neither does Middle Earth," I reminded her slowly.  
  
"What? What are you saying? Are you calling me a cheater? KATIE! You little moth ball! I hate you! I hate your soul! I hope you burn! BURN, YOU HEAR ME!!!" she yelled and pointed her finger at me. Accidentally, she wacked me in the eye. Or rather she wacked my glasses. It sent them flying upward, thus scratching my forehead on the nose-pieces. And believe me, that hurts. "Oops, sorry, Bart."  
  
"HEE HEE! Katie got pokeded in the eyes!" Bonnie said and laughed loudly. I took my glasses off, giving both of them dirty looks while I adjusted the nose-piece so that they weren't all bent out of shape. Then I jammed them back on my nose.  
  
"Silence, little cretins, for you mustn't take the wrath of the Dark Lord—"  
  
"Lard Lord..." Emily muttered.  
  
"--the Dark Lord Of the Daisy Balloons lightly!" I finished.  
  
"Eep, you're sounding like Eomer..." Emily informed me.  
  
"Is that bad?"  
  
"Yes, dear," Emily answered with a dramatic sigh.  
  
"Uh oh!" I gasped in horror.  
  
"Uh oh is right. Hurry, you better go get the jello before it eats everyone alive!!!" she told me seriously.  
  
"Okay, and you better get the SCISSORS OF DOOM!" Bonnie interjected randomly. I snorted, but immediately stopped laughing.  
  
"Hey. Why are we stopping? Why are we going to shore?" I asked.  
  
"Katie, the whole point with the ships was to HELP the Gondor and Rohan men," Emily explained slowly, as though talking to a three-year-old.  
  
"Oh. I knew that."  
  
"Sure you did."  
  
"But I did!"  
  
"I don't believe you."  
  
"You don't?"  
  
"No."  
  
"Oh. Why?"  
  
"Because I don't."  
  
"Why?"  
  
"You are an untrustworthy person."  
  
"Why?"  
  
"You were born that way."  
  
"Why?"  
  
"Because God made you that way."  
  
"Why?"  
  
"Because he felt like it."  
  
"Why?"  
  
"I DON'T KNOW!"  
  
"Why?"  
  
"Katie? Shut up."  
  
"Why?"  
  
"ARG!!!" Emily screeched and stomped off.  
  
"Good bye my freaky da'lings!"  
  
"NO QUOTES FROM LXM!" she yelled over her shoulder.  
  
"You don't need her, Katie. You're special without the pony tails," Bonnie said seriously.  
  
"Riiight...And the name's Lavern."  
  
*************  
  
"Now, Katie—"  
  
"Lavern."  
  
"—stay RIGHT here. Do not move what so ever or else I will—I will tie you up again!" the Elf threatened me, his eyes very solemn and scary. Eep. "If you so much as step off this ship—"  
  
"It's a boat."  
  
"—I will personally search you out and make you sorry you ever even thought about it," he said, going on as though I didn't interrupt him.  
  
"Okay. I'm smart now, Legolas, dear. Remember? The last time I got stuck under an Orc," I answered with a grin.  
  
"Katie—"  
  
"It's Lavern!"  
  
"—I'm not jesting. I'm serious!"  
  
"You sure don't look like Sirius," I said offhandedly. It was true!  
  
"Who?" he asked. He didn't understand my joke. Figures.  
  
"Nevermind. I swear on Emily's unworthy hide—"  
  
"HEY!" Emily cried and swatted my head.  
  
"—I will not step off this boat, or I will forever live in a box," I said and saluted him. "Worry not!"  
  
"I worry," he said dryly and grabbed his bow before following Aragorn and Gimli off the ship. I waved to them from the railing.  
  
"Good bye my freaky da'lings! Have fun going to kill the Orcs! PLAY NICELY! If the bigger kid pushes you into a mud puddle, don't run and tell the teacher, smack him in the nose!" I called down to them, still waving. Emily pulled me back, shaking her head.  
  
"Katie..."  
  
"For the love of Fuzzy, IT'S LAVERN!"  
  
"Can't you be serious?"  
  
"No, I can't, Rowling owns him," I told her patiently, although I was actually annoyed. Sirius is his own man! Not everyone else's! Why couldn't they understand people couldn't take his identity? "Why do people keep trying to impersonate him?"  
  
"KATIE!" Emily cried.  
  
"LAVERN!" Bonnie cried with Emily at the same time. I fell silent, scowling at them.  
"Why do I have to be serious?" I muttered finally, mostly to myself.  
  
"Because, Katie, this is not some time you can goof off in class! It's a friggin battlefield out there, and you're sitting here cracking jokes!" Emily said in exasperation. She was obviously getting irritated. Well, so was I!  
  
"It's not like I can do anything about it, Emily! What do you want me to do, go throw myself in mortal peril?"  
  
"You did at Helms Deep!"  
  
"You guys were at Helms Deep?" Bonnie asked. We both glared at her.  
  
"That was different!" I said to Emily. Feeble attempt at defending myself, but at least I tried.  
  
"How so?" she challenged, placing her hands on her hips.  
  
"It just was! You be quiet! At least I didn't wait down in the caves!"  
  
"So what?"  
  
"So what nothing!"  
  
"GO SNIFF A RUBBER SPONGE!" she yelled.  
  
"THE SOCKS HATE YOU TOO!" I shouted back and crossed my arms. She followed my example and we continued to glare daggers at each other. Which was somewhat hard, since we technically weren't REALLY mad at the other, and we had to stop ourselves from laughing. Which is hard, mind you. Finally we both grinned at each other, causing Bonnie to give us weird looks.  
  
"I thought you were mad at each other?" she cried, clearly confused. Then again, Bonnie is often in that state anyway, so you never know...  
  
"No. Yes. Well, sort of," Emily finished lamely. More weird looks.  
  
"Right..."  
  
"Wrong!" I cried and marched over to the railing of the ship. "Looks scary out there...Hey, look, I think I see Acorn..." I pointed to a blob on the horizon line, on a hose.  
  
"How can you tell?" Bonnie asked, her and Emily coming over to look with me.  
  
"I can't..."  
  
"That's helpful," Bonnie remarked, rolling her eyes at me. I shot her a dark look. Not my fault if I'm not helpful! Non-helpfulness is in my blood!  
  
"Yeah, I know...Who wants to go stab people?" I asked suddenly.  
  
"Meeeee!!" Emily shouted. "I is going to get our stuff, kay?" She darted off to find her sword and my bow. Bonnie however, frowned. I raised my eyebrows at her questioningly.  
  
"What?"  
  
"Katie...I don't know how to use a weapon," she said slowly.  
  
"You don't?"  
  
"No!" Uh oh. Biiiiig problem. "Do you?"  
  
"A little...enough so as to not get myself killed I guess. Erm...You can always borrow a knife from somewhere and just...work with it the best you can?" I told her a little hesitantly. I didn't want any of us dead, after all. Would not be good, that's all I can say. And if Bonnie didn't know how to fight with a weapon at all, that could lead to some difficulties.  
  
"Sure, and watch Bonnie get her head chopped off," she muttered sarcastically. I threw my hands up in exasperation. Wasn't like I could do anything about it!  
  
"So then do you wanna stay here?"  
  
"Not really. But I don't want to die either."  
  
"Well, I could die too...So could Wallace, even though we can at least hold a weapon properly. But, it's your call. I suggest you kinda stay here though..." She shot me an accusing look. That obviously wasn't the answer she wanted to hear. But it was true! Grr...what does she want me to do, lie and tell her she's invincible?  
  
" Fine! Leave me here and go get yourselves killed..." she cried and stomped off. Not again...I banged my forehead against the rail for a moment, before Emily popped up at my side. She keeps POPPING UP. She needs to stop that...It's creepy...  
  
"Where's Bonnie?"  
  
"Mad at me. Because she doesn't know how to use a weapon, so she might die..."  
  
"So could we. I mean, honestly, just because we don't drop our swords and bows doesn't mean we're totally awesome," she said haughtily, sound, for some reason, highly insulted. "God...What does she expect?" I cast my eyes upward, toward the sky. Why now, of all times, must Emily and Bonnie do the whole "I don't really like you" thing? They have the WORST timing. I shrugged though, and took my bow and quiver from Emily. She forced a knife into my hand as well.  
  
"What's this?" I asked dumbly, holding it up. Then I recognized it as one of Legolas's. Uuuuh ooooh...Not good. He might need it...Well, now at least I have a purpose to go rushing to Death's Door, instead of just doing it because I was bored.  
  
"I don't know," Emily answered. "C'mon, hurry up. Don't loose me again, by the way, okay? Oh yeah—Look what I found! Will hats! We're pirates!" She held up two feathers black hats. Fun! I grabbed it and shoved it on my head. Now I had two hats! Yay!  
  
"Yay! Will hats!" I exclaimed in a high voice and attached the knife to my belt, so as not to loose it. "Lessgo! TALLY HO SILVER, AND AWAY! FLEE BEFORE THE MIGHTY DARK LORD OF THE DAISY BALLOONS!" And with this lovely battle cry, we both surged forward off the ship (or boat). To Death we go...Yippie skippy, oh boy.  
  
***********  
  
Yay! I is happy! I gots a chappie up! Go Katie! Writers block is gone for now (we hopes)!! YAAAAY!  
  
Do you realize how hard it is to stick to RoTK book facts? Veeery hard. I need to reread all three. Or else my fics will all turn out pathetic...Then again, I already count this one as pathetic so...eh, whatever.  
  
I got HP5 in case anyone's wondering. Which you probably aren't, but Katie don't care none! Ack, bad grammar, Katie go to your room!  
  
AND Katie got to see Pirates of the Caribbean! She likes Will's hat. She also likes Jack's hat. She also wants to be a pirate now. But life is cruel and once again she wants a refund on it. She has a new saying: When life gives you a sword, go join Will Turner and Jack Sparrow on the Pearl. Gah...I live in an unfair reality. I hate reality. I want to be a pirate! *scowls*  
  
My new name is Lavern by the way. In case you hadn't noticed from the chapter...long story, I will be willing to explain if ya'll want. Only heaven knows why you would though...  
  
Okay, here we goeses with replieses...  
  
By the way...Has anyone ever noticed I use excessive periods in a lot of my sentences? Just wondering about that...GAH! I DID IT AGAIN!  
  
Bjam: Eep, Katie no wanna look like Barney. SCARY! Yeees summer vacation! Bliss! 'Cept I gots volunteer work at the library on weekends. Pure boredom, that is. Anyway, tis good people like these fics. ^_^  
  
Gate Keeper: Yay! New words are gooooood. Stealing from nephews is good too. My last name is now going to be Katie-aka-Lavern-wants-to-be-a-pirate- but-she-can't-and-why-is-this-even-my-last-name? Isn't it lovely? I think so!  
  
Dy: Yaaay! I updatesded! And no threatening with frying pans. It's not nice.  
  
MidnightSun: Lavern feels loved! I feel loved! Bartholomew feels loved! All my personalities feel loved! *has big grin* I do that—laughing at the computer screen at least. I also yell at it. And shake it. My mom doesn't like it when I shake it. She also thinks I'm weird when I yell and laugh at it. But yeah, it's what happens to people like us... And groveling is not good. Only grovel if someone won't take you to see Pirates of the Caribbean the second time. That happened to me...Riley is an evil evil boy. (don't ask)  
  
Celebel: I is agreeing on the laundry and dishes! And also we gotta say no to tickling...it's evil. Pure torture!!  
  
Songelf88: The dead people is not knowing the song. *pauses and thinks for a minute* I need to teach them it then! *claps enthusiastically*  
  
Wishful Menace: Hehe. Hey, do you happen to know what that is (Snorkler's Guide to Painting)? I sure don't. Lavern is not revealing her secrets for the future though, no she isn't! You must be paaaaatient.  
  
Little-lost-one: I don't think Harold has a purple crayon...he should get one, shouldn't he? 


	7. Captain Lavern and First Mate Marker Are

DISCLAIMER: Why do I keep forgetting to do these things? Anyway...I own nothing but Emily, my self, Harold, Obstinate Fool, and...well, you should be able to know what's mine and what's not. So be happy! Oh yeah... The quote at the end of the chapter is from Captain Jack Sparrow in Pirates of the Caribbean. And Sirius from last chapter belong to Rowling. Just thought I should mention that. NOW! ON WITH THE STORY!  
  
CHAPTER SIX  
  
Owies. Owies, owies, owies. That bloody hurt. Literally. And it's all Emily's fault! A little moan escaped my lips. Someone shoot me now. Pleeeease! END THE PAIN!!!  
  
"Emily...Remember...Socks love you...I never really hated you...Give me purple flowers at my wedding and make sure you cry for me at the mourning ceremony...Good bye..."  
  
"Katie, get up, you're fine."  
  
"Am not. That bloody asshole stabbed my shoulder! And it's all your fault! AND IT HURTS!" I cried. We'd taken refuge in behind a little boulder on the field. "I knew this was a bad idea. I knew it, I knew it, I KNEW IT!"  
  
"Would you hold still? I can't tie this thingie while you're moving!" Emily snapped and ripped more cloth off her sleeve. She tied it around my shoulder in a make shift bandage.  
  
"It hurts, Mommy...I want pain killers," I muttered and winced as she pulled hard on the ends of the cloth, making it tight around my shoulder. "Don't make it so tight!" She loosened the "bandage."  
  
Yeah, it was all her fault...Gr...A while ago we were weaving our way in and out of the way of clashing swords, getting a little further toward Legolas each time we moved. But little things darting out from under your arms don't go unnoticed by Orcs for long. And so guess what happened? One decided, "Oh hey, look at those pathetic little girls running through the middle of a bloody battle! Let's stab the blonde one!"  
  
Naturally, I couldn't let the little cretin kill my best friend. That would not be good. And besides, Who would I annoy besides Legolas? So, you see why I had to save her sorry ass. Of course, in the process, this also caused the Orc to stab ME instead of HER. No where fatal, of course, I wasn't going to let it plunge some sword into my heart or anything. But I'll have you know being stabbed in the shoulder HURTS.  
  
"There. That should work for now. Okay, what are we gonna do now?" she asked, sitting back against the rock's surface. I gave her the look. Honestly, what kind of question is that?  
  
"Emily..." I said like I was talking to a simpleton. "Tell me, why did we risk our lives in the first place?"  
  
"To give Legolas his stupid knife, which I'll bet he doesn't need at all," she answered. I smacked her head.  
  
"It gives us something to do. Not that I like plunging into a battle and nearly dying, but at least we're not bored. Now, back to the topic! We mine as well finish our little quest to return the Sacred Knife to the Annoying Elf Of Nothingness. Or else we'll be stuck back on that bloody ship. So off we go!" I said and grabbed my bow again.  
  
"Katie...you're saying 'bloody' a lot," she said slowly, raises her eyebrows.  
  
"I'm a pirate! See? The hats!" I explained and pointed at my hat.  
  
"Riiight..."  
  
"From now on, call my Captain Lavern. Savvy?" I instructed her, straightening my hat.  
  
"Sure thing, Captain Lavern," she answered with a smirk.  
  
"You learn well. You can be my first mate. First Mate Wallace!"  
  
"Can I be First Mate Marker?"  
  
"Savvy. Works for me. Come on me matey, lessgo!" I loaded my bow and let loose an arrow. It missed. Figures. Emily went ahead of me, brandishing her sword around like a mad woman. I made sure I stayed out of the way of it. Katie would like to not have her eye poked out, thanks.  
  
Behind Emily I made sure no one came running at us again, while she held off the Orcs closer to us. It was a pretty efficient way to move.  
  
"Can you see Elf Boy?" Emily shouted at me over the clanging of blades and yells.  
  
"Erm..." I looked up from shooting arrows (which barely hit their targets mind you) and searched over the fighting men and Orcs to look for Legolas, or anyone recognizable. Suddenly, I spotted...ARAGORN! Yes, help has come! "LOOOOK! It's the king of Acorns! C'mon First Mate, we gotta go over there to him!" I grabbed Emily's arm and pulled her through the throng of bodies.  
  
A few times we were narrowly clipped by swords or arrows. I swear, sometimes I could see our own side trying to kill us before they realized we weren't the enemy. Finally though, we got to Aragorn, who was sitting atop a horse, his sword unsheathed.  
  
"Heeeeello my freaky da'lings! Care to tell two innocent little kids where we can find Legolas the Elf?" I yelled up at him, pulling on his shirt sleeve to catch his attention. He jerked around, sword raised, as though expecting I was an Orc attacking him or something.  
  
"Katie? Emily?"  
  
"Sup dude," Emily said with a grin.  
  
"You two were supposed to stay away from the battle!" he cried. "Get back to the ship now! I can't have you two getting hurt, and I can't watch over you right now!" Someone didn't see Katie's boo-boo...He blocked an oncoming attack from an Orc and severed its head off.  
  
"I'm not going back to the bloody ship," I snapped. "Besides, I need to give Legolas something."  
  
"Whatever it is, give it to me! I'll make sure he gets it!" Aragorn answered hurriedly and extended his hand. I hesitated, then grudgingly handed him the knife.  
  
"Happy, you Neon Nazi?" I growled and ducked as he swung his sword over my head to slice an Orc.  
  
"Now get back to the ship!" he ordered. "NOW!" Emily opened her mouth to answer him, probably to protest, but someone he we separated from us. Great. Juuust great. Now we get to go find our way back by ourselves. I suppose we deserve it though. Seeing as how we got ourselves into this in the first place...  
  
"C'mon Captain Lavern, maybe we should do what he said..." I wasn't really listening though. A big gray mass was trampling Orcs in order to make its way through. It looked veeery familiar...freakishly familiar. Why...IT'S MY HORSIES!!!  
  
"EMILY, EMILY, EMILY! Look!! It's Obstinate Fool! He's coming to saaave us!" I cried and jumped up and down, oblivious to the battle before us. Emily paused and look up, then shoved me toward the horse. Obstinate Fool stopped in front of us and waited impatiently while we scrambled onto his back.  
  
"I knew you loved me!" I told him as we settled ourselves on the horse. He just snorted, and tossed his head. "WESTWARD HO!"  
  
"Where are we going, Captain?" Emily asked, stabbing at Orcs as we passed them. Most of the time her sword when through thin air. But I did hear something yell at least three times. So she wasn't totally worthless.  
  
"Uhm...you know, I'm really not sure. I don't want to go back to the shippy," I said truthfully, ducking as an arrow whizzed toward my head.  
  
"Doesn't your shoulder hurt though?" she asked from behind me.  
  
"Of course it bloody hurts! But who cares?"  
  
"Uhm...you know Katie...there are a lot more Orcs than last time..."  
  
"I didn't notice," I muttered dryly. "Fine though; we'll go back to the bloody ship..."  
  
"Thank you." No problem...I don't like seeing people getting killed...Not that I'd admit that out loud of course. So off we went toward the ship. Occasionally I actually shot something with my arrows, but those times were rare and few. When we were almost to the Anduin, I thought we were home free. Of course, I'm always wrong. Because I'm just like that.  
  
"Katie, look, there's the shippy! C'mon, mates, LESSGO!" Emily yelled and slid off Obstinate Fool's back, running toward the ship.  
  
"Maaaarker, wait for your Captain!' I yelled at her retreating back and urged Obstinate Fool into a faster pace. She was already almost there. Note I said almost. Which meant anyone could just come over and, oh say, POKE AN ARROW THROUGH HER. So, who wants to guess what happened?  
  
Yeah. You're right.  
  
"UH OH!! MAN OVER BOARD, MAN OVER BOARD! SHIT, SHIT, SHIT, SHIT!!!" I screamed and half fell half jumped off Obstinate Fool. "EMILY!!!!!!! ARE YOU BREATHING? ARE YOU ALIVE? YOU AREN'T DEAD ARE YOU? SAY SOMETHING YOU BLOODY FOOL!!! DON'T DROWN!"  
  
She was lying on her side, an Orc arrow sticking out of her leg, near her thigh. I let out a cry of frustration and turned her over. This was not good!!! The criminal Orc had also disappeared, so I had no way to pull off a revenge stunt. Bloody Orc. Humph!  
  
"EMILY, SPEAK TO ME!! Say something, anything! CAN YOU HEAR ME? COME BACK TO THE BLOODY LIGHT!!!!!" I shouted in her ear, rolling her over and shaking her shoulders. She moaned, and shoved me away.  
  
"I...hate...you..."  
  
"YAY!!!!" I cried. "YOU'RE ALIVE!!!"  
  
"Of course I'm alive. It's only on my thigh. IT (censored material) HURTS THOUGH!" she yelled and beat the ground with her fists. I gave her a sympathetic look, before quickly grabbing the arrow shaft and pulling up. Big mistake. It snapped in half, which didn't help anything.  
  
"Katie, just leave it! Leave it!" she managed to mutter. "Help me up!" We rose unsteadily, me supporting her, and made our way up to the ship. Obstinate Fool obediently (for once in his life) followed us up the gang plank onto it.  
  
"Don't worry, First Mate Marker, you'll live."  
  
"Yes, I know, Katie," she replied and rolled her eyes.  
  
"It's Captain Lavern! Why can't you people get my bloody name right?"  
  
"Excuse me, Captain Lavern."  
  
"Thank you."  
  
**********  
  
"What-were-you-thinking?"  
  
"I don't think. It hurts to think."  
  
"KATIE!" he snapped and cleaned out the cut on my shoulder.  
  
"For the last time, it's LAVERN. L-A-V-E-R-N!!!!!! God. I would expect this from someone who doesn't even know his own name..."  
  
"I do know-oh never mind, I'm not arguing with you again. Hold still-" Legolas ordered and applied some salve to the cut.  
  
"It burns!" I cried and struggled, but he kept a firm hold on my arm so I couldn't move away.  
  
"Well, then you shouldn't have gone off into the battle."  
  
"I didn't! I was simply returning your knifey thing to you!" I protested. He didn't appreciate my risking my life to return his pretty sharp knife to him! How rude!  
  
"While running into battle," he added and dressed my shoulder up in a gauzy bandage. Ooh...soft gauze!  
  
We were in the Houses of Healing, surrounded by injured Men and Elves. It didn't smell like a hospital, thank God, but worse things filled the air. Cries from the dying and injured were thick, and the smell of blood replaced the sterilized grossness of modern day hospital smells. It was not cool.  
  
Emily and I hid away on the ship with Bonnie for God knows how long. I really didn't want to go anywhere else after that. I saw the Witch King passing over head toward the field, and I cringed inwardly. This was seriously not what I expected. Eventually the battle ended, and the Dead started to return to their ships, and we had to get off, unless we wanted to sail away with them. Which we didn't.  
  
It took a while to get across the field. The three of us took turns riding Obstinate Fool. When afternoon rolled around, we were at the gates already. Some part of Katie's Brain that was coherent ordered me to find the Houses of Healing. See? Katie's Brain IS smart! Sometimes...  
  
I asked a guard for directions, but he seemed to take pity on three innocent little girls (innocent. Hehe. Riiight.) and actually led us to the Houses of Healing. What a guy! Soon as we got there, the guard so nicely took Obstinate Fool to the stables, and Bonnie directed Emily and I to chairs. Shoulder cut hurty lots. Emily wasn't looking so good either. Her face was pale and pained, despite the fact that she insisted she was fine. My First Mate is an awful liar...  
  
Bonnie disappeared at one point and came back later with one extremely angry Elf. And that's when the explosives went boom.  
  
"It was for your own good."  
  
"And it was for your own good that I made you promise to stay here!"  
  
"You made me promise to stay here on the SHIP. It's a bloody BOAT, not a SHIP, therefore I can't stay on any SHIPS if there aren't any!" I explained.  
  
"Captain Lavern should know what a ship is and what isn't! So she's right!" First Mate Marker added from where a woman was tending to the arrow wound in her thigh. "Ouch, that stings!"  
  
"Aye mate. Listen to me First Mate Marker," I told Legolas. He simply sighed and rolled his eyes.  
  
"Alright, you're set. Don't move that arm around too much unless you WANT to feel pain," he instructed and sat back in his chair. I settled my arm on the arm of the chair and grinned at him.  
  
"Thank ye laddie."  
  
"I'm not finished with you yet," he said and gathered up the first aid stuff, storing them in a cabinet over my head. "Now. I want an explanation. Don't both to lie or leave anything out; I'll know soon enough anyway."  
  
"How would you?"  
  
"Bonnie...she tells me lots of things," he said vaguely with a smirk. "Now, go on, tell me this tale you have of why you got off the ship."  
  
"Okay, look, it's a boat, and...and...Did she tell you anything about me?" I asked suspiciously. When he didn't reply, I scowled at him and went on to tell him about how Emily found Mr. Knifey, and we just HAD to give it back. I mean, after all, the two knives BELONG together! So I told Legolas all this, and he sat there nodding and "mmm"ing.  
  
"So...there you have it! MY LIFE STORY! THANK YOU LADIES AND GENTLEMEN! Oh yeah, and this cut thing is all Marker's fault. Just sos you know," I added.  
  
"Katie...if you EVER, I repeat, EVER, do that again, I will kill you myself," he reprimanded me. I shot him a dark look, and crossed my arms over my chest. What did he think I was, stupid? Don't answer that.  
  
"I cannot be killed! Because! I have secret identity which will no longer be secret!" I proclaimed dramatically, my voice echoing in the hall slightly because...well...I have a loud voice. "Along with me being Captain Lavern the pirate, Bartholomew Dark Lord of the Daisy Balloons, and Lobbenschnoffen the Elf, I am...DORIAN GRAY!" Pause for a dramatic silence, and ta-da! They love me! Or not...  
  
"What does your alter personality have anything to do with anything?" came a voice from behind me. Bonnie bounced over, hyper and-er-bouncy. She sat in the chair opposite from me, and looked expectantly for an answer.  
  
"That's what I was wondering too," Legolas murmured and raised his eyebrows. Oh these fools...They do not know of the great Dorian Gray!  
  
"Listen kids, and I will tell you a story."  
  
"Don't make it about cigarette lighters and all that stuff like you did last time," Emily called and immediately winced as the woman tightened the bandage around her thigh. Hehehe...feel the burn, First Mate...Don't ask.  
  
"You're done," the woman announced and handed Emily a glass of water. What's with the water? Oh well...  
  
"It's not. Now, hush and maybe Elf Boy can learn some new vocabulary. Now. Legolas my dear," I said, turning to face him. "In my happy little world of modern day technology, we have this thing. It's called a movie."  
  
"I know where this is going," Emily groaned. She buried her face in her hands.  
  
"A movie is...like a moving picture, to put it simply. It's like a play, except you are able to watch it over and over again without the actors having to redo the whole thing. Are you getting this?" I asked. He nodded, looking mildly amused. "Okay, well, anyway. Once upon a few years ago, they came out with one of these movies. Was called League of Extraordinary Gentlemen, I believe, wasn't it Wallace?"  
  
"No, it was Pooh Bear Goes Skiing in Hawaii."  
  
"Anyway, this movie was based on all of these book characters going out to kick ass...And one of the book characters was Dorian Gray. Everyone thinks he's evil by the way because he pulled a Darth Vader, except he never came back to the Jedi side. But I firmly believe that he's still cool."  
  
"You just like him because you think he looks like Orlando Bloom," Emily muttered.  
  
"Hush up. This Dorian Gray dude is immortal, because he like sold his soul to the evil people or something like that, UNLESS he looks at his self portrait. See, since he is immortal, he stays healthy and ever young. But his portrait-it gets old with time. The only way he can die is if he looks at his portrait."  
  
"Why is that?" Legolas asked, for some reason sounding interested. Wow...I'm a story teller! Go me!  
  
"I dunno. Haven't read the book yet. Anyway, that's who Dorian Gray is."  
  
"I still don't know what that has anything to do with anything," Bonnie said after a moment. I rubbed my eyes, scowling at her.  
  
"IT MEANS IF YOU'RE DORIAN GRAY-IMMORTAL GUY-YOU CANNOT DIE BECAUSE YOU ARE IMMORTAL," I told her slowly and loudly, as though I was talking to a stupid person. Which, technically, I was, but eh, whatever.  
  
"But you're not Dorian Gray. Because this person is obviously a character from a book," Elf Boy interrupted suddenly. I paused, thinking about this. Hey. He ruined my story! I am Dorian Gray, I swear!  
  
"Yeah...well...book characters are real!"  
  
"Not as far as I know!" I laughed out loud because guess who was a book character?  
  
"You're one."  
  
"I am not! I'm not fake! I'm real!" He seemed very insulted. Hm. Must make mental note not to say he's a book character.  
  
"I'm a real boy," Emily said with a grin.  
  
"Yes, I know you are. But you're not supposed to be. You're a book character! But you're not! I'm confused! STOP THAT!" I pointed a finger at him. "You're evil!" He simply stared at me hard. I stared back. He didn't blink once. I did.  
  
"Katie lost the staring contest!" Bonnie cried and clapped her hands. "Fun, fun, fun!"  
  
"Hey...annoying Elf?" Emily asked suddenly.  
  
"What?"  
  
"Is Aragorn king now?" she questioned.  
  
"Yes...why?"  
  
"Oh...just wondering...isn't he going to marry Arwen now?"  
  
"Yes," he answered and cast her a suspicious look. "Why are you asking?"  
  
"No reason...Are we invited to their wedding?" she inquired with a grin.  
  
"A wedding? I love weddings! Drinks all around!" I cried and threw my hands in the air. I was unable to resist quoting Captain Jack Sparrow. Quoting people is fun.  
  
"Katie, please be quiet, for once in your life. And to answer your question, Emily, in all likely hood, Aragorn is not thinking about something like that at the moment," he said. I nodded wisely. Ah. Makes sense. The wise little Elf has spoke. Wait, what am I saying? He's not wise! He's evil! And annoying! I must have a fever...How could I think such a thing?  
  
It must be a fever.  
  
***********  
  
Yay! Lavern is a pirate! Whoo hoo! I is happy!  
  
I like this chapter. Probably because I get to be a pirate. Pirates are cool. I'm a pirate! O_o Yeah, sorry, I'm okay now.  
  
Legolas stalker: Yay! People is happy! Yeah, I've seen it. People keep calling me a Bloomin Idiot, but who cares? I WILL SEE IT AGAIN! YAY!  
  
Andray: I wants his hat. His hat is cool. Hehe, "nice hat!" Fun stuff! Me and Emily say "Good bye my freaky da'lings" and vise versa with the hello. It's fun!  
  
Sunrunner of Summer: The puppy dog face always works! Okay, well, not on my mother...but...it will work on all Elves! Because people like Lavern! Thanks for reminding me to disclaim. I always forget that. BAD LAVERN!  
  
Songelf88: You REALLY want to know? Okay. Well, here we go! Once upon a time a week or so ago, me and Emily were on Neopets (you know, that one site?). We were at the chat boards, role playing one of those weird Adopt An Animal thingies. Which are somewhat entertaining, I admit...But anyway. The creature we were talking to, her name was Ivy-totally Sue! So, we asked if we could call it Lavern. It said no. So, we tried to kill ourselves. Of course though, I *HAD* to bring Dorian Gray into everything, and I started ranting about how I was Dorian Gray and I wanted these people to bring me my portrait. Which they didn't. Bloody cretins. Anyway, they called me sadistic and so we left. It's fun to creep out those little kids! BWHAHAHA! *whimpers* I didn't MEAN to ignore Lupin...Spare me...*hugs Lupin* See? Lavern loves him too! 


	8. Let's Play Pretend

DISCLAIMER: I own everything. *coughs and glares from JRR Tolkien, and Gore Verbinski.* Uh...I mean...Tolkien owns LOTR. Verbinski owns PotC (at least I think he does. Anyway, he directed PotC. At any rate, I don't own it.) I don't own Spock either. Or Toy Story, which is mentioned in my author note. That is all.  
  
CHAPTER SEVEN  
  
"AI!!!!!!!!! EMILY!! BONNIE!!!"  
  
"Katie, we're standing right next to you. You don't have to shout," Emily muttered, glaring at me as she uncovered her ears. I hope she went deaf. Can't she see this is a real problem?  
"But, but, EMILY! I CAN'T SEE MARS!"  
  
"What is Mars?" Legolas asked glancing up at me.  
  
"I have a feeling that you should not have asked that, Legolas my friend," Gimli said to the Elf, sounding mildly amused.  
  
"Well, mate, Mars is-"  
  
"Katie, don't explain. You never get anything right. Mars is a planet in our world."  
  
"He's also a Greek god!" Bonnie added. "See? I'm smart! You people don't give me credit!"  
  
"I still can't bloody see Mars," I complained and looked up at the inky sky. We were standing on top of...some tower. Actually, it was a guard tower. It had a name. A long one. Which I don't remember, because it was so long. But anyway, upon this tower stood the princess of Chickwood, her long hair flowing in the wind, her-  
  
Barf. Never mind that...stuff...On the tower, actually, there were three ignorant girls, an Elf, and a dwarf. Aragorn was busy, tending to the sicklings in the Houses of Healing. Might I add that Eowyn was in there too. Who should be noted as a very kick-ass lady. Just thought I ought to mention that. Anyway, Emily, Bonnie, and I tried to entertain the people there (at the Houses of Healing), but they didn't find us amusing at all. So we got sent out. With Legolas and Gimli to make sure we didn't kill ourselves. It was nice enough of them to think of that though.  
  
"No shit," Emily muttered.  
  
"You said a bad word," I accused her and jabbed my finger into her forehead.  
  
"You say them more," she retorted, crossing her arms.  
  
"Do not," I protested.  
  
"Do too!"  
  
"DO NOT!"  
  
"DO TOO!"  
  
"WHO NEEDS YOU ICKY?" I finally shouted.  
  
"Who is Icky?" she asked, confused. I rolled my eyes. Was I the only person here who actually knew that answer?  
  
"Uhm...a demented dinosaur off of the Land Before Time," I answered.  
  
"Katie watches Land Before Time?" Bonnie asked with raised eyebrows, snickering.  
  
"Katie USED to watch Land Before Time, Bonnie dear. When I was small and young," I corrected her.  
  
"And still does," Emily added, ducking as I tried to hit her head. Evil cretin. Why does she have to object to everything I say? I mean, after all, I'm the smart one here. I know everything! They should learn to trust my judgment.  
  
"Does not," I snapped, once again fighting.  
  
"Does to."  
  
"Does not."  
  
"Does to."  
  
"Well I have more hats than you!"  
  
"Do not!"  
  
"Do to!"  
  
"Do not!"  
  
"DINA!" Legolas cried from his seat behind us. Elf Boy was getting aggravated. Can't say I blame him. But I like arguing with Emily. It's fun. Don't give me weird looks.  
  
"I agree with Legolas," Gimli growled, giving us both an irritated look. Of course he understood what Elf Boy said (even if it was in Elvish). It's hard not to pick up a few things with Elvish speakers all around. "Please silence yourselves!"  
  
"Yeah Emily, shut up!" I growled at her, throwing her dark looks.  
  
"Yeah Katie, shut up!" she copied.  
  
"I'm shutting up, it's you who isn't!" I cried and threw my hands up in the air, exasperated. This kid doesn't know when to quit.  
  
"No, I am but you aren't!"  
  
"I HATE YOUR GUTS!" I yelled.  
  
"I HATE YOURS MORE!"  
  
"Nuh uh!"  
  
"Uh huh!"  
  
"Nuh uh!"  
  
"Uh huh!" While we were fighting, we didn't hear Legolas standing up. Or him coming up behind us. Suddenly I found that someone had clamped their hand around my mouth. And Emily's. I twisted around and glared at the Elf, who was smirking.  
  
"Now, if you don't be quiet, I'm sending you down," he said softly with that evil look and released us, then sat back down.  
  
"Well said Master Elf!" Gimli nodded his approval and the two shared identical smirks.  
  
"You're both mean," I mumbled. And it was true.  
  
***********************  
  
The next day our merry little troop of people (Legolas, Gimli, Emily, Bonnie and myself. And Harold came along too) wandered back to the Houses of Healing, to check up on Merry and Pippin. It was a very cheerful and happy event, all in all. The hobbits even remembered us!  
  
"Hullo my freaky da'lings. What brings you to this part of the Mega-Nego- Verse?" I asked them when we arrived.  
  
"Merry! Katie and Emily are still here!" Pippin exclaimed when they recognized us. Let's just say I was overjoyed to be known.  
  
"Yes we're here. These fools had no choice but to take us along to this lovely little city," I answered.  
  
"Why is there a...a flower on your shirt?" Merry asked, peering closer to look at Harold, who was sitting on my shoulder. As the hobbit poked the dandelion, he jumped up into his little feet and shook a leafy hand at him.  
  
"Don't poke me!" he yelled in a small voice. I snorted, trying to not laugh.  
  
"Yes, erm, this is Harold."  
  
"Harold B. Cornwall. And that's Mr. Cornwall to you!" he cried and jabbed his curled hand at Merry and Pippin, who were staring in shock at the talking, moving dandelion.  
  
"We-I found him while we were going on with the whole Paths of the Dead thing. He's quite annoying. But I suppose I must keep him. Probably would get himself bloody killed if I let him run off by himself..." I added under my breath.  
  
"Why-how is he moving? And talking?" Pippin asked incredulously. Can't say I blame him for being confused.  
  
"I have no earthly idea. I just found him." The two hobbits eyed the dandelion carefully, still slightly unsure of it. They soon forgot about him though. Which was probably for the best.  
  
"I must say, they have a lot of walls here. Yep, lots of wall," I mused, looking down on the numerous walls that ran around Minas Tirith. I don't know WHY I said this, but I did. Randomness is your friend, remember that Luke.  
  
"Yes, Lavern, there are many walls. Love them and cherish them!" Bonnie said cheerfully and shook my hand for some reason.  
  
"Why are you shaking my hand?"  
  
"Well, normally people shake hands when they sign a deal," she said, giving me a look that clearly said Were-You-Not-Listening?  
  
"Uh...what DEAL have we made?"  
  
"Why, you're letting me take over the job of ruler of the universe, you silly Dark Lord!" Bonnie cried and shook her head, mocking my stupidity. Wait. I'm ruler of the universe? HOT DOG!!!  
  
"Er...whatever..." I said and pried my hand away. "Bonnie, you is creeping me out. STOP THAT!"  
  
"Who is this? Is that your name? Bonnie?" Merry asked Bonnie.  
  
"Well...yeah. I guess my name is Bonnie..."  
  
"Hullo! I'm Merry, and this is Pippin, in case you don't already know," Merry told her in a friendly fashion. Hiss. The poor innocents are forming an alliance with the Evil One Of the Dryer Sheets. I foresee dark times ahead, veeeery dark times.  
  
"Lovely to meet you. I'm sorry you have fallen into the shadow of the Dark Lord of the Daisy Balloons, also known as Kaitlin. She is a terrible person, don't let her innocent looks fool you," she said in that high and mighty voice, like she knew everything. Which EVERYONE knew she didn't. I mean, LOOK at her! Does she LOOK like a smart person? I answer myself: no. She in no way shape or form looks like a smart person.  
  
Suddenly, Legolas pointed out toward to Anduin, to the seagulls flying over head. Ooooh...white birdies! He went on about how the old longing to go over the sea of his kind, and stuff...Hold it. Hold it right there. Over the Sea. Legolas and Gimli go over the pretty sparkly sea. WHAT ABOUT ME?  
  
"Hey Lego my man..."  
  
"Still giving out those pesky nicknames, are you?" Merry joked with a smile to me. I nodded, quite serious.  
  
"Yeah. Eomer is Prometheus, by the way. Anyhoo...Leeeeego?"  
  
"My-name-is-LEGOLAS. LEGOLAS. L-E-G-O-L-A-S," he said slowly, and carefully.  
  
"Poor lad. He's having an identity crisis," Emily said in mock sympathy. I ignored her.  
  
"So...when or if you-uh-go sailing off into the great unknown with whoever else wants to come but I can't name them because that's giving away the plot, I get ta come...right?"  
  
"I wasn't planning on it," he said, looking very serious. He seemed to be ignoring the part where I mentioned giving away the plot. Hm.  
  
Veeeeery interestion. Why, I don't know, but it just is. Live with my logic, you will grow to love it.  
  
"WHAT?" I cried and leaped up. "That's not fair! After all the help I've been!"  
  
"Which so far has been none," Emily put in. True, but irrelevant.  
  
"Relax, Katie! I was merely jesting!" Legolas said and started to laugh. I glared at him, crossing my arms and waited till he stopped chuckling.  
  
"You are a cold hearted Elf. I will make your life hell if you don't stop being like that. But does that mean I get to come with?" I asked hopefully. Hey, if Gimli got to go, I got to go!  
  
"Maybe."  
  
"ALRIGHT! PRAISE THE DAISIES!!! HUG A TREE TODAY! Support S.O.S.! SAVE OUR SOCKS! Socks have feelings too! This will be even more fun than scaring Emily on the Paths of the Dead!" I shouted and waved my arms around, then hugged everyone. For no reason. Don't stare. It's not nice.  
  
"I don't think she's of this world," I heard Emily hiss to Bonnie and she nodded in agreement. Fine. THEY CAN BE LIKE THAT! I get to be a pirate, and go on a shippy over the Sea with the Elf and the Dwarf and they don't though! BWHAHAHAHAHA!!  
  
"I said maybe. Not yes, of course you can come."  
  
"Which translates to yes!"  
  
"Not really..."  
  
"You're crushing my dreams of becoming a basket ball player!"  
  
"A what?" he asked, confused. Again. Why is it always me that confuses them? I suppose it's an honor to confuse people so many times, but it gets tiresome having to explains things again and again.  
  
"A basket ball player! Jeez, don't you people watch WWF?"  
  
"Katie...WWF is wrestling. NOT basket ball," Bonnie reminded me.  
  
"Oh. I mean NFL then," I said after thinking for a minute.  
  
"That's football," Emily murmured with a sigh.  
  
"WB?"  
  
"TV channel," Bonnie said.  
  
"SOS?"  
  
"I think that's Save Our Ship or something," Emily answered.  
  
"What about BBFFSHL?"  
  
"What does THAT stand for?" Emily muttered and rolled her eyes, probably wondering how she got stuck with me. People wonder that a lot. Why, I don't know, but they do. Maybe because I'm insane? But no, that couldn't POSSIBLY be correct, because I'm not insane! It's the sane ones who are insane, while the supposed insane ones are REALLY sane. That meant the percentage of sane people was lower than insane. Which was not good. Hm. I'd have to do a little bit of converting on my vacation which I will probably never get.  
  
"Best...Bob...Friends Forever...So Hello...Lobsters?" Bonnie said hesitantly. Hehe. Probably scared of the answer. Fear my answers!  
  
"No you silly fools, it stands for Basket Ball Freaks For Sea Horse Liberation!" I scolded them. Any simpleton could guess THAT. Right? RIGHT?  
  
"Never heard of it," Bonnie muttered and rolled her eyes.  
  
"You haven't? YOU HAVE NOT? ACK! DIE YOU MERCILESS SCUMBAG! I demand parley!"  
  
"Really? You do? Okay then! C'mon Emily, we shall take this mutinous freak to our leaders! FORWARD TO THE MOTHERSHIP!" Bonnie cried and grabbed one of my arms. Emily groaned, but assisted my fellow freak in dragging me over to Gimli, Legolas, Merry, and Pippin. Much to my dismay. Evils.  
  
The Gimli and Legolas seemed to have filled the two Hobbits in on our past suicide missions, and they were still talking about it. Until we interrupted them, of course. Emily and Bonnie shoved me down on my knees, holding my hands behind my back like a prisoner. Ah, the joys of playing the good old fashion game of Pretend. It's a child's best friend, you know!  
  
So, there the three of us were, playing pretend with a bunch of people who had no idea what we were doing. Emily and Bonnie straightened into rigid postures, and I remained on the floor, trying to look like I was handcuffed. The four men stopped their talking after realizing we wanted to say something. They took in our awkward appearance and waited for us to speak.  
  
"I invoke the right of parley. I AM ELIZABETH SWANN! I HOLD THE POWER OF THE ENTIRE LIVING DEAD IN MY VERY HANDS!" I finally said, and started cackling madly. "All shall love me an despair! This bit of shiny medal will cast you all back into the fires of hell! I SWEAR IT ON MY DEAD DOG THAT I NEVER HAD! And the right of parley protects me from your rum drinking hides! BWHAHAHAH! BOW DOWN TO ELIZABETH-SLASH-KATIE SWANN! Ruler of the Gama-Quadrant! EAT YOUR HEART OUT SPOCK!" And once again with the insane cackling.  
  
"Sirs, we found this scurvy dog muttering to herself about Sea Horses in the brig. What should we do with her, sirs?" Bonnie questioned, saluting the Hobbits, Dwarf and Elf.  
  
"Should we throw her off the ship, sirs? Feed her to the sharks? She deserves it for stealing those lines and names from people," Emily suggested eagerly.  
  
"Nonono, I know what you should do with this person you're talking about!" I cried, pretending to forget that they were talking about me. "Now, listen closely mates. Take an envelope. Color the envelope pink, and dot it with purple stripes and orange squiggles. Then stripe it with green dots. After you've done ALL of that, take a pint of chicken's blood, and drip it on the seal. Once that's finished with, shove this person into a crate with the envelope, and wait. They're sure to go crazy and kill themselves with a pencil by nightfall."  
  
Apparently, the four of them had NO idea WHAT SO EVER of what we were talking about. I can't say I blame them either. I mean, if I wasn't me, I wouldn't know what I was talking about either. Heck, I'm me and I STILL don't know what I'm talking about sometimes. So you see, in truth, no one, not even meself knows what I'm talking about. That was a rather long explanation, don't you think?  
  
"Uh...what is it that they're speaking of?" Merry murmured to Pippin, who shrugged and looked at Gimli and Legolas. Playing Pretend is fun.  
  
"Best ignore them, lads," Gimli advised. Oh, yes, very fun indeed.  
  
*************  
  
Well...this chapter was rather pointless and bad. *sighs and shakes her head sadly*  
  
Terribly sorry about the constant PotC references. I'm obsessed, go ahead and say it...  
  
I really thought this part lacked inspiration but hey, it's a humor fic, what can you expect? Seriousness? You better not...I promise they're going to do the little 'debate' they had in RotK before running off to Mordor to save Frodo and Sam some time!  
  
Playing Pretend! Yay! *pauses and glares at those who stare blankly at her* Oh c'mon. Who HASN'T played pretend? I STILL do it. And I'm a big kid now! *big grin*  
  
Erm...yeah...anyway...  
  
Shit, I just stepped on my cat.  
  
Ignore that last part.  
  
SHIT!!!!! Big beetle...Big big beetle...*pets her kitty* Good PC for finding it! It's a good thing you made sure it didn't come kill me! *shudders and curls up into fetal position* Hate...the...disgusting...beetles...*shivers and starts to hug PC like there's no tomorrow*  
  
Ignore that too.  
  
Oh yeah, Toy Story is possibly one of the best movies ever. Go watch it people.  
  
Once again, ignore my random comments.  
  
Dy: AK! Evil code! I hate that thing! WHY IS IT DOING IT TO ME? *sobs for a minute* I'm okay now. Really I am.  
  
Emmie: You are SO right. The Vegetables and Spinach are much too powerful for men, and we just can't let them die, can we? It's inhuman! So indeed, they DO need us girls in the battle.  
  
Mellon1:Of COURSE it was an awesome movie. Everyone knows that. *grins* I really don't feel like typing my Lavern Explanation AGAIN so I'm going copy and paste. Savvy? Anyway... Once upon a time a week or so ago, me and Emily were on Neopets (you know, that one site?). We were at the chat boards, role playing one of those weird Adopt An Animal thingies. Which are somewhat entertaining, I admit...But anyway. The creature we were talking to, her name was Ivy-totally Sue! So, we asked if we could call it Lavern. It said no. So, we tried to kill ourselves. Of course though, I *HAD* to bring Dorian Gray into everything, and I started ranting about how I was Dorian Gray and I wanted these people to bring me my portrait. Which they didn't. Bloody cretins. Anyway, they called me sadistic and so we left. It's fun to creep out those little kids! BWHAHAHA!  
  
Crazynutcase: I have no idea if Wallace knows this...hm...she most likely does. Or she could not. I don't know! I JUST DON'T KNOW! *sobs and abruptly stops* Woody, Buzz's arm has broken off. *wanders off looking confused and insane as usual*  
  
Legolas-stalker: Tsk tsk. Lizzie and Willard belong together. *glares from Elizabeth and Will for obscuring their names. coughs* Sorry, that's Elizabeth and Will...Anyway, I'm weird, I'm a W/E shipper all the way. They just look happyful together. DOESN'T DORIAN LOOK LIKE HIM? I know he does...It's really too bad he went evil in the end. But *sighs* you win some, you loose some. I still think he's awesome. I happen to LIKE the hat and cane he has. The book is actually very good too. Yep, in RotK they sail away onto the boaties. It's in the chapter called 'The Battle of the Pelennor Fields' on page 148 to 150. It IS kinda confusing without the movie for a kind of short cut guide, but we must make do with what we have, eh? *bows to Mark* Tis an honor to meet such a fine spatula as you, Mark. *realizes she sounds very very strange* Er...  
  
I'm...in need of sugar...And pirates and Elves. *sighs* WHY? Why can't I watch PotC and TTT and RotK "from the comfort of your own home"? THE THING IN ALL THE DISNEY MOVIES SAYS I CAN DO THAT! FALSE ADVERTISEMENT! FALSE ADVERTISEMENT!  
  
I'm done now. 


	9. Off to Mordor We Goes

CHAPTER EIGHT

You know, no one really ever told me much about Mordor. I mean, I knew it was where Sauron was, and it was infested with Orcs, and reeked of death and pain. But you never really realize how gory and gross it sounds until a certain someone named Aragorn says that you are going to take a nice little vacation right into that place, and right up to the Black Gates, which are basically SAURONS'S DOORSTEP!

And you really don't notice how scary it could be. Marching right up to the gates and launching an attack on them, I mean. Or how crazy it could be, whichever way you want to look at it. So when this Aragorn fellow tells you that's exactly what we're going to do, what do you think I did?

Was I freaked?

You bet.

I mean, it's not everyday he comes over and says that he and Legolas and Gimli and all those other people are going to Mordor. I was so expecting it. But not quite in the way he put it. A day after our little reunion with Merry and Pippin, Emily and I were in a heated argument in my room about which was better, tooth paste or Listerine. Don't ask. I had no idea where Bonnie was, so don't ask about her either.

"Listen up you two," he ordered and sat down in a vacant chair.

"Sup dude? Do you need to relieve some dark secret to us?" I asked teasingly. All in good humor of course.

"Actually yes." And so all I could remember thinking was that, "holy shit, someone died!"

"Who got killed?" Emily asked, voicing my thoughts. Somedays I think that girl could read minds...But he laughed at that a little, and shook his head.

"No one died. Are you really expecting the worst?"

"Of course we are! When you say 'listen up you two' instead of 'stop talking or I'm going to drown you in the Anduin' it means something important has happened!" I cried. It's true...And he had threatened us with that a few times. So I had good reason to worry.

"Actually, I came to tell you that tomorrow I am riding out with the army of the West, to Mordor. Gimli and Legolas have decided to ride with me, and now I am giving you the choice too. You can stay here, or go with us. I won't try to make the decision for you." He seemed to really not like the prospect of letting us come. Sour beach bum...

"Well of course we're coming. I mean, think of all the times we've saved you!" Emily said. For some reason I didn't hear the first part of the sentence. 

"...what times?" he asked, smirking a little.

"Lotsa times, old chum! Don't you remember? You probably don't...Merry tried to pellet you with stones once. And I stopped him from rocking you to death," I lied. Of course nothing of the sort happened. But I am a dishonest person! It's not my fault!

"Oh really? Why do I find that hard to believe?"

"Because...because...you were raised to think all loons were evil, heartless fiends who want nothing more than to see you wandering around with all your skin peeled off!"

"That is not a pleasant thought, Katie. You know, I once heard someone say children had beautiful minds," he mused suddenly. I raised my eyebrow at the abrupt change in topic. "That person must not have met either of you, for surely if he had he would not have made such an assumption."

"We have beautiful minds! Really we do! Katie is a very good writer," Emily objected, then paused. "But then again, some of the things she writes are some what angsty...and tragic...and...yeah. But she still, she has a beautiful soul." I do? Since when?

"Emily, you need not lie," Aragorn told her, and he started to laugh a little.

"Oh fine. I will speak my mind! She is an awful cruel person who likes to think about killing off all my favorite characters in her fics, and usually DOES kill them off! I hate her guts!" she said loudly. I glared at her. That was where she was wrong! I didn't kill them all!"

"I do not!"

"Yeah, well, then why do I distinctly remember you saying, 'Emily, would you be mad if I killed Wren?' a while ago? HM? Answer that, cheese head!" 

"I just wanted to see your reaction..."

"And then you tried killed her."

"'Twas for the good of the fic."

"No it wasn't!"

"Was too!" What did she know anyway? My fic, my rules. Right? Right. Don't argue with the Katie Person, or you risk her wrath. And no one wants to do such a horrible thing, right? RIGHT!

"Would you two please stop arguing an give me a straight answer?" Aragorn interrupted, breaking us away from another of our petty debates. Well, petty to him at least. They were really very important. The entire weight of the Banana Republic rested upon the outcome of the debates. But only we knew that. Because the Banana Republic trusted us and only us with that secret.

"I told you, of course we were coming!" Emily reminded him. She did? WHEN? Why wasn't I told about this meeting with the President? Scratch that last part...

"We are?" She sighed and rolled her eyes in exasperation.

"Yes, Katie dear, we are going. Do you think we'd stay here?"

"Yeah, well, getting stabbed in the shoulder can make you think about things like life. And how easily we could die," I informed her, raising my eyebrows. Was I the only sane one here?

"Of course I thought of that. But we can take care of ourselves. And we can fight decently enough." Apparently I was.

"'Decently enough?'" I repeated slowly. "DECENTLY ENOUGH? Let's not forget how many times you nearly hacked my head off with your sword! Or how many times while I was shooting behind us, I almost nailed you with my arrows! Or, hey, dude, remember that time not so very long ago that you nearly KILLED yourself and would have DIED had I not shoved you out of the way! And yet STILL I got an owie and it BLOODY HURT! SO DON'T TELL ME WE FIGHT DECENTLY!"

I honestly had no idea WHY I was telling her we were all around pathetic warriors. I mean, normally people try to defend their pride. But also, normally people aren't going off to Mordor. And Mordor certainly was not a walk in the park. It had dangerous Tyrannosaurus, Spinosaurus, and Veloceraptors! It's not just a walk in the park, ooooh no. THE GIANT LIZARD BIRDS IN CAGES WILL KILL YOU! NOOO!! BILLY, NOOO!!! DON'T GO HANG GLIDING!!! Not just a walk in the park—it's Jurassic Park.

Er. Yeah...You get the point....

The point IS, in case you haven't got it, is that Mordor is not a little battle where we can crawl off to safety. It is, actually, a looooong way from any safety. So I really didn't want to go there. But of course EMILY, little genius as she is, of COURSE wants to kill herself, so therefore, it looks like we're about to go to Mordor!

"That's the risk we took. Pleeeeaaaase Katie? PLEASE? If you DON'T go, you'll be a little weak Mary Sue who's scared—"

"Wrong, wrong, WRONG! In truth, Mary Sues believe they are all-powerful, all knowing, and quite bluntly, invincible. I, however, know that I can certainly DIE, so I do not go TROUNCING off to Mordor right up to Sauron's DOORSTEP, asking him to buy GIRLSCOUT COOKIES!!!!!" I explained loudly, my voice rising. No one listens to me! They don't get what I'm saying at all!

"But we're NOT selling cookies! We're going to kick his ass, Katie dear! You must listen!" she cried in exasperation. 

"We mind as well be!"

"But didn't you say in the book they w—"

"QUIET!" I yelled and covered her mouth. God! She almost gave the ending away to Norman, who was in fact still watching us, looking very entertained. People seem to find our arguing amusing, for some odd reason. But that's not the point. The point is, is that Emily nearly blew our cover!

"Sorry! Jeez, you don't have to scream, Katie," she muttered and batted my hand away. 

"Do too. You were about to let the Empire know ALL of our Rebel secrets!" I hissed. Her ignorance is scaring me. Of COURSE I had to shout. 

"Stop that, you're channeling Star Wars again," she warned.

"Oh, am I? Sorry," I apologized. I keep doing that...

"It's okay."

"What were we talking about before?"

"Mordor," she reminded me.

"Oh yeah. Well, anyway—" This was going to take a lot of debating to make her see my ways...

**************

I. Hate. Emily.

'Nough said.

Guess where Katie was. Go on, GUESS!!!! Nevermind, I'll just tell you. I was riding Obstinate Fool, covered in armor (Aragorn's orders, not mine) and listening to Emily singing her rendition of the Sponge Bob song. Bonnie had stayed in Gondor, deciding she'd rather live longer to be over twenty. Smart girl. 

"WHO LIVES IN A PINEAPPLE UNDER THE SEA? SPONGE BOB DAIQUIRI!!!" 

"SHUT—UP."

"N—O!"

"YES!"

"NO!"

"YES!"

"MAKE ME!" I turned around in the saddle and gave her a shoved. She grabbed onto me, trying to stay on the horse and not fall off. I shot her a glare as she straightened, and turned around, fixing my eyes on Obstinate Fool's ears. 

"You really shouldn't be so cruel to her, old chap," Harold said softly from my shoulder. I gave him the look, like I had been giving everyone today. Of course I was pissed off. I was on a suicidal mission! It was fun the first time. Okay, well, not FUN exactly, but interesting. The second time it wasn't that bad, and I got battle scars. But THREE times? I don't think so. One such as myself cannot go into battle THREE times and not be pissed.

"Yes I should. It's all her fault we're going to die," I muttered. And I spoke the truth! The likely chances of us living are almost zero to none. And this time there was no shippy to run back to when we got hurt!

"You mustn't be so pessimistic. You may live. You probably will. Just stick close to that Blonde Abhorrence," he suggested cheerfully. Easy for him to say. HE'S going to stay nice and safe in my saddle bags! Humph...

"Legolas isn't an abhorrence. Emily is the abhorrence," I murmured and she poked me in the back. Who cares if she can hear me diss her...I feel like being mean.

"No, I think not. He is really very rude."

"Of course he's rude, it's LEGOLAS we're talking about. But he's not THAT bad. He doesn't FORCE people to go to their deaths," I said the last part loudly and pointedly to Emily. She let out a cry of frustration. 

"I still don't like the Elf."

"You're stupid then."

"I AM NOT STUPID!" the dandelion cried in horror. Dandelions look funny when they get all proud and stuck up looking, right after they've been insulted. But that was the least thing on my mind.

"You're right. You're not stupid. EMILY IS!" I directed it to Emily again. 

"God, MAKE UP YOUR MIND! All those other times you were like, 'Oh, Emily, let's go run and kill the Orcs!' and stuff, but now you're MAD at ME! I wasn't ever mad at YOU when you dragged me off on those things!" she said angrily, scowling and giving me dark looks.

"I never MADE you do anything!"

"Well I never made YOU do THIS!" I snapped. 

"You did too!" she countered fiercely. 

"Did not!"

"Did too!"

"Did not!"

"Did too!"

"Did too!"

"Did not!" I paused, and realized my mistake. "EMILY!!!!!"

"Got yah!"

"You moron."

"Proud of it," she said and grinned.

"You ought not be," I advised.

"That sounded weird. 'You ought not be,'" Emily mused slowly, her hand on her chin as though deep in thought. 

"Yeah...I know...I think the formal talk is growing on me. You think?" I asked.

"I think you need to see a shrink."

"You wanna come with me? You need one too, after all."

"As long as the shrink gives out free candy after the session and they have a treasure box for being a good patient while they stick needles into your flesh."

"Usually they do. My dentist has one. He lets me get those little pool fish toy things. I named it Mortimer, I think..."

"That's wonderful! Do you think I could get a fishie? Then our fishies can be playmates!" she exclaimed.

"Yeah! That's a great idea! We can have them go swimming and vacationing in different seas. Like the Milk Sea, and the Coke Sea, and the Water Sea, and the OJ Sea."

"OJ?"

"Orange Juice."

"I knew that."

"Sure you did."

"I'm hanging up on you." Well...okay...that was a very short term of holding a grudge. I need to work on holding grudges longer. Maybe there's a special class for it. I would have to look it up in the yellow pages we get back. If we get back.

******************

Sorry it's been slow on the updating front. 

I hate book reports. I hate going back to school sometimes. I hate working at the library...MY LIFE IS TOO BUSY! For me at least.

I need a Pepsi Blue. *sniffle*

Okay, I'm fine now.

I is sad...this is coming to an end soon...but worry not! Emily and I have more plans for our Fanfic Selves. MUHAHAHAHHAHA!

You know, I just decided (and Emily agreed) that it'd be cool to meet Elijah Wood. Or Orlando Bloom. Or any Fellowship actor for that matter. They all look like nice people. ^_^

****

Mellon1: Of COURSE I haven't taken my pills today. And don't worry, I'll try to have Harold in more.

****

Lolly: Harold is cool, dude...But then again, I suppose a talking dandelion is weird. But weird is okay! I'm charging toll for anyone who wants to come with. ^_^ You really don't want to know just how much I'm charging. Trust me.

****

Legolas stalker: I went to a dance. Once. In all my life. Never have I gone again. Why, might you ask? Well, simply because they are bloody boring. Standing around in near darkness with pretty colored lights listening to preppy music is not the way I like things. They played not ONE country song! NOT ONE! Although the lights were very pretty. I don't think Orlando is engaged to anyone...I haven't heard anything about it at least. *shrug* Anyway, Elizabeth is probably a very nice person. Really. *nods encouragingly*

****

Foolish Heart: Yeah, Rotk CAN do that sometimes. So that's how you spell it though! I really didn't think it was that, but I just couldn't figure out how...*bangs her head against a computer desk* Thank ye for the infotation! That's not a typo, it's a new word. Copyright Captain Lavern Enterprise! Not that that company exists...yet...MUHAHAHA! I will rule ze world with meh company!

****

Kawaii Elf Girl: Because, silly, Mars is a red place. With dust. And...stuff...And further more, Mars is special! So it should be up there! *nods in agreement to herself. Yes, she IS agreeing with HERSELF. Don't ask.* 

****

Elf girl: Katie loves those quotes where Jack says something like that. Jack is smart! *hugs Jack for no reason* 

JACK: *gasp* Must...breath...HEEELP!

Ehhhehehe...yeah...*let's Jack go* Oops...


	10. Ploogerhasenfischen

DISCLAIMER: Yeah.I own Legolas.  
  
TOLKIEN: *gives her the angry eye* Excuse me?  
  
Er, yeah, I meant, I DON'T own Legolas.  
  
TOLKIEN: Thank you. *glares at her one more time and poofs away*  
  
So, I don't own LOTR, PotC, the Captain Jack song, or any of Will's burnt omelets. I do however own the Ploogerhasenfischen and everything that has to do with them. That's right, I OWN THEM! And Harold, Katie, Emily, Obstinate Fool, etc, etc, and so forth.  
  
CHAPTER NINE  
  
Ah, yes, this shall be my SPOT. No one else can sit here. I spread out my cloak and promptly sat down. I assembled my saddle bag-slash-back pack next to me, then my Will Hat, then my Gandalf Hat. My humble abode!  
"My name is Lavern and this is my spot!" I cried out to the men who were assembling tents.  
"Oh really?" said some from behind me. I turned around and glared at the evil Elf.  
"Yes really," I said huffily.  
"What if someone pushes you off," he suggested and I gave him a dark look. He only grinned and went off to do whatever he does in his spare time. I crossed my arms and leaned back til I was laying on the ground, staring up at the sky. Pretty puffy clouds. Very nice white clouds.  
We'd been travelling from Gondor for two days straight, with only minor resting periods. I was easily very tired and somewhat delirious. Well, not actually delirious, but not very coherent. All I wanted to do was sleep for a long, long time.  
What a nice thought.  
  
************  
  
"Hi ho, Captain Jack!" Emily cried and clapped her hands in tune with the song. Okay, Katie can follow along with this one! Not that I really understood why Emily was singing this in the middle of the night when the entire army is trying to sleep. In fact, where is the army? I looked around for the Gondorians, and found that only me and Emily were standing in the dark clearing. Trees loomed in a weird way around us. Hm.  
  
I decided that during the night she must have dragged me here when I was not coherent which is why I don't remember anything. Maybe she just wanted to sing something without waking up the men. Right? Right!  
  
"Meet me down by the railroad tracks!" I sang after her.  
  
"With your fishin' pole in your hand!" Emily's voice was horribly off tune. Then again, so was mine.  
  
"I'm gonna be your fishin' man!" I sang, louder now.  
  
"Go leeeeft, go riiiight!"  
  
"Go left, right, left!"  
  
"Go left, go right, go swing around the steps, go left, go right, go left!"  
  
"Hi ho, Captain Jack-" I started to sing, but was interrupted.  
  
"WHHEEEEEE!!!!" Legolas yelled suddenly. Where did THAT come from? In fact, where did HE come from? I had thought it was only me and Emily in the clearing. And why was Elf Boy making such a sudden outburst?  
  
"Legolas, why did you just do that?" I asked him curiously, forgetting about my singing.  
  
"Because someone died from glass," he said seriously. Uh.  
  
"Emily, I think Legolas is on something, because he just screamed 'whee!' Legolas does not scream that normally. Did you-Emily?" I blinked. And then I blinked again. Emily is not purple. Nor does she have.things growing out of her face. And she normally does not look rabid. What is going on here?  
  
"TAKE ME TO THE MOTHERSHIP, KATIE! The flying penguins are after the Wire Cutters of Dooooom," she warbled. Well, that was a normal thing for her to say. At lest she's acting normal.Despite the fact she looks like she has some sort of alien disease.  
  
"Emily, why have you suddenly turned purple and have wavy tentacles on your face?"  
  
"They're called Ploogerhasens, Katie, you stupid mortal. And we are the Ploogerhasenfischens!" Legolas explained cheerfully. Meeeeh! He has them too! What's wrong with this world?! I WANT MY MOMMY! "We're here to turn you and the King of Acorns into Ploogerhasenfischens too!"  
  
"What? Legolas? Stop that! You're scaring me! Act normal, both of you!" I said somewhat loudly. They were both really freaking me out here.  
  
"But this IS normal, my dear dust bunny!" he cried and hugged me at random.  
  
"Who are you and what have you done with Prince Legolas of Mirkwood?"  
  
"I'm a prince?" he asked, looking very confused. He is not asking me this.he is not asking me this.he CAN'T be asking me this.oh Lord, he's asking me this.  
  
"You're kidding.right? Legolas?"  
  
"Mehehehehehe! I'm a prince! Everyone bow to me! BOW TO ME YOU TAPE MEASURERS!"  
  
"I wanna be the princess!" Emily whined and poked his head. Uh.since when has Emily wanted to be a princess?  
  
"Kay! Katie gets to be our servant! After we change her into a Ploogerhasenfischen of course," he added, grinning at me in a very scary way. Okay. Deep breaths Katie. You cannot be hallucinating. You're too young, and too intelligent to let the purple duck do this to you. Now. Analyze the facts.  
  
Exhibit A: Emily and Legolas both are purple, and have tentacles on their faces. They do NOT have tentacles, and they most certainly are NOT purple. Tolkien is probably rolling over in his grave at the thought of an Elf-HIS Elf-having tentacles and purple skin. And, well, I really don't think Emily should have those either. So what's up with that?  
  
Exhibit B: Legolas is acting like Emily and I. He is normally quite sane. He also knows that he is the prince of Mirkwood. He does not randomly yell things like "Wheeee!" and "bow to me you tape measurers!" therefore someone must have spiked his water. Or something. Or the aliens got to him. Because the Legolas that I know does NOT do that. He does not call Aragorn the King of Acorns either.  
  
Exhibit C: They are being INSANE TOGETHER. Legolas wants nothing to do with Emily most of the time. So why is he joining her on her quest for randomness? It makes noooo sense. They might be insane WITHOUT each other, but I honestly don't think they'd team up.No, it's not possible. Definitely not possible.  
  
Exhibit D: Ploogerhasenfischen and Ploogerhasens. What the hell are those? They may come from the depths of Emily's mind. But let's not forget, EMILY did not tell me what they are. LEGOLAS did, and that's what's bad about it. Maybe Emily brainwashed him into thinking he's one of those.things.  
  
What happened? Maybe I was captured by the bad guys and they poisoned me and that's why I was having these weird hallucinations. Yeah. They had to be hallucinations. THEY COULDN'T BE REAL!!!!  
  
The trees suddenly started to glow with this weird yellow and green light. And music started up. You know how in movies, they add in the soundtracks? That's what was happening. Except it was someone singing.Can You Paint With All the Colors of the Wind? WHAT IN GOD'S NAME IS GOING ON? NO ONE, I repeat, NO ONE randomly starts to sing Pocahontas songs like that.  
  
The trees suddenly started to move. Were they Ents or something? But they weren't Ents. They bent away to form a path. The new path they created started to sparkle with an ethereal light, and a figure moved toward us and the clearing. Uh oh.  
  
"Ah, look, I see our brothers and sisters of the Ploogerhasenfischen have turned him to the Ploogerness!" Emily noted softly. I raised my eyebrows in alarm. They almost disappeared into my hair when I realized the figure coming toward us was Aragorn.  
  
"ARAGORN! ARE YOU SANE? ARE YOU NORMAL? TAKE ME AWAY FROM THESE DEMONS!" I shrieked when I noticed it was him. I ran forward, but stopped. NOOO!!! He has those.those.Ploogerhavas or whatever they were on him too! I'm all alone! MEEP!  
  
"Hello Legorenzo and Emallace. Well met. Is Katie ready to assume her new identity as Karthalomew?" he asked in a strangely dull and flat voice. Oh no, the aliens have taken his soul.That is not good. Not good at all.  
  
"No she's not," I murmured.  
  
"Greetings Aragorman. Yes, she is ready," Legolas-or should I say Legorenzo?-answered for me, ignoring my comment. He hugged Aragorn-or Aragorman, I guess. "And what of Gimli? Do you have him with you?" Aragorman nodded and gestured to the glowing pathway. Another figured neared, and it turned out to be-surprise!-Gimli! And he was NORMAL! I felt like crying in relief. These people were scaring the living daylights out of me. It was spiffy to see someone not taken over by this twistedness.  
  
"GIMLI! YOU'RE NOT ALIENIZED!" I ran over to him and hugged him, nearly strangling him. He glared at me and squirmed out of my hold.  
  
"Where are we?" he asked me as though I would know. What did he expect, a full explanation?  
  
"Dunno. They want to change us into Ploogerhasenfischen, though, I know that. Don't ask me what those are."  
  
"I won't then."  
  
"They're scaring me. Legolas didn't know he was a prince. And Aragorn is empty or something, and he sounds weird. And Emily just.I don't know what's wrong with her," I said slowly, then looked over at my once-comrade. My mouth dropped slightly in surprise.  
  
He hair was rapidly changing colors. Pink, red, green, yellow, blue, purple, black.it kept switching and didn't stop. Then her eyes started doing the same. My own eyes started to hurt just watching. I pointed silently at her, letting the sight explain to Gimli what was wrong with her.  
  
"I have never seen such deviltry in all my life." I heard Gimli say softly. Wait, that meant he didn't know what do about it. So did that mean we were stuck here? NO!  
  
"How do we get out?" I asked him in a desperate voice.  
  
"You think I would know, lass?"  
  
"Well.I was kind of hoping.HEY! Look at the glowing sparkle, Gimli!"  
  
"What is it that you're going on about now?" Gimli muttered, looking irritated. Can't he see the pretty sparkle? It might take us home! I remembered some people that got home through the sparkly portal of happiness. Besides, if it WAS a sparkly portal of happiness, it would really be a good idea to go through it. Because Aragorn, Legolas, and Emily- or whoever they were now-were getting very close. And close is not what I want in the same sentence as them.  
  
"Listen to me, grasshopper man. That might be our ticket out of here!" I cried excitedly and pointed at the sparkle. He peered at it, then at me.  
  
"Are you sure?" he asked, looking a little unsure. I couldn't say I blamed him actually, seeing as how we were being cornered by three freaks and the trees were glowing and moving and there was a sparkling portal of happiness in the air. I'd be confused and freaked too. In fact, I WAS confused and freaked.  
  
"Join us in our mission to rid the world of wrenches!" Legolas cried.  
  
"DOWN WITH WINDOW SHADES!" Emily added.  
  
"You will soon see that we are the superior race. You WILL become one with the Ploogerhasenfischen!" Aragorn added. My eyes widened. Hope they don't make us into Borg or Dementors or Orcs or Skeletal Pirates or.or.stuff.I shifted my gaze to the sparkly thing. It was getting bigger! It was a portal, I knew it! I tugged at Gimli's sleeve and pointed. He nodded. The dude wasn't so bad after all.He was actually very nice. Actually, everyone normal seemed nice here.  
  
"On three, lass, we'll run and jump through," he said softly, so the Demented Legolas, Aragorn, and Emily wouldn't hear. I nodded. Must survive. Mustn't let the Demented Ones get control over my life. I would make sure they'd leave me alone!  
  
"One.two.THREE!" he yelled the last part and we both barreled toward the sparkly portal of happiness. The Demented Ones jumped back in surprise, halting their steady procession toward us. We took advantage of their momentary shock and dove to the sparkly portal. I hoped it was a portal at least. If it wasn't, we were screwed.  
  
*****  
  
Well, we weren't EXACTLY screwed.  
  
"What are you doing on my ship?" I squinted in the sunlight, and looked up into the face of.Captain Jack Sparrow? What the hell? First Middle Earth, now the Caribbean? WHAT IS THE WORLD COMING TO? I sighed, and stood up, glancing at Gimli, who was next to me, looking rather disoriented.  
  
"Uh.let me do the talking, Gimli." I whispered to the Dwarf, who seemed to have no objection with that.  
  
"You, girl, answer me!" Captain Sparrow snapped. He was NOT happy that a short man and a gangly looking girl had just appeared on the deck of his Pearl. I couldn't really blame him though.  
"Uh.we're running from the demented purple people who want to turn us into Ploogerhasenfischen. They WERE our friends until they were brainwashed into the Ploogerness or whatever they call it." Hey, the truth is a good thing. Besides, I wasn't in the mood for making up a story.  
  
"But WHAT are you DOING on my SHIP?" he repeated again. I just answered him! He must have a hearing problem.  
  
"I told you! Trying to hide!"  
  
"Stow-away?"  
  
"Nonononono!"  
  
"If you're hiding on a man's ship and you aren't tellin' him about it, 't means you're a stow-away," he said, his hands waving around in that trademark way. I glared at him.  
"We're-not-stow-aways," I said through gritted teeth.  
  
"YOU'RE STOW AWAYS! YOU MUST BE PLOOGERIZED!" OHHHH NO! Not Sparrow too.CAN'T BE HAPPENING! Is everyone Plooger-struck but me and Gimli?  
  
"Jack! Stop scaring our guests!" came a voice from bellow deck, through the trap door. I looked around Sparrow, and my eyes widened. Oh. My. Dear. Croutons.  
  
"Will, go away. This is my ship, and I'll do what I please."  
  
"Oh, Jack, just invite them in for some omelets."  
  
"NO, WILL!" Jack snapped in irritation.  
  
"Come on, both of you, he's just sour because Elizabeth tossed over his prize chicken," Will Turner explained to us cheerfully. Gimli and I exchanged looks.  
  
"I am not going to ask you where we are or what's going on," he said, mostly to himself.  
  
"Good, because I don't know.And WHY is William Turner wearing a flowered apron that says 'kiss me, I'm a cook/blacksmith who likes to murder toenails' and leather high heels?" I asked no one in particular. Will only smiled in that weird way and shoved us bellow deck. An immediated stench hit my nose. Omelets.  
  
"What is he MAKING that smells so AWFUL?" Gimli muttered, glancing around. Burnt omelets, to be exact. Will skipped-yes, he skipped-over to a stove-which for some reason looked very modern and much like the ones I was used to-and smacked two charred pieces of cooked egg onto two plates and placed them on a table. He gestured for us to sit down.  
  
"Sit down, eat the omelets, Elizabeth says they're very good," he ordered us and bustled off to make more. I stood, rooted to the spot, staring at Will for a minute. Then, I looked down at Gimli, who was also staring at the blacksmith-gone-insane.  
  
"Gimli.I'm scared."  
  
"Aye, you're not the only one," he answered gruffly. "He doesn't really expect us to eat those.things.does he?"  
  
"I don't think so," I said and poked the omelet gingerly with a fork. I had to hold my nose, so I wouldn't keel over from the stench. "Uh.Will, we really have to get going. Thanks for the, er, omelets." He turned around and gave the Dwarf and I a suspicious look.  
  
"Why aren't you eating my omelets?"  
  
"We don't want to ruin their beauty!"  
  
"EAT THEM NOW OR SUFFER AT THE HAND OF THE PLOOGERHASENFISCHEN!" His eyes were steadily growing red and he was starting to foam at the mouth. "EMALLACE! LEGORENZO! ARAGORMAN! You have new play mates!" Gimli and I looked at each other, then let out a loud scream. Through a random door, came the Demented Ones, weilding spatulas and saws.  
  
"Kaaaaaatie!" Emallace yelled and giggled, poking me with her spatula. "Kaaaaatie!"  
  
"Stop screaming!" Legorenzo ordered and hit my head with the saw.  
  
"You're disturbing everyone!" Aragorman added. I backed up against a wall. NO! THE PLOOGERIZED ONES ARE ABOUT TO KILL ME! I want normal Legolas and normal Aragorn, and normal Emily! I swore to myself, if everything went back to normal, I would never call them a mean thing again. NEVER!  
  
"Wakey wakey!" Emily said happily.  
  
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ! GIMLI! MAKE THEM LEAVE ME ALONE!" I bellowed and thrashed around as they grabbed on to my arms and start to shake me. Gimli had mysteriously poofed away. Meep! "GAAAH, YOU WORTHLESS DWARF! I hope evil Captain Sparrow guts you and feed you to his crew! HOW DARE YOU LEAVE ME WITH THE PLOOGERIZED ONES?  
  
"Katie, stop screaming! It's not nice!" Emily scolded, and shook me again.  
  
"I DON'T WANNA BE PLOOGERIZED! NO! LEAVE ME ALONE! I HATE YOU ALL!!!!! I WANT NORMAL LEGOLAS AND NORMAL ARAGORN AND NORMAL EMILY!!!"  
  
************  
  
"Why is she yelling like that?" Emily asked a confused and bewildered Elf, Man, and Dwarf. They had no earthly idea why Katie was screaming the things she was screaming, or twisting around like she was.  
  
"I have no idea," Legolas murmured and shook his head, trying to rouse Katie from her sleep again.  
  
"Do you think there's something wrong with her?" Emily asked the three men with a worried look.  
  
"That's a little obvious, Emily," Aragorn remarked dryly, giving Emily "the look."  
  
"Move aside, come on lads, move aside," Gimli snapped and shoved ahead of Legolas and Aragorn. In his hands was a bucket, full of water. Legolas and Aragorn exchanged amused looks, and Emily simply started to giggle out loud. The Dwarf ignored the three of them and proceeded to tip the bucket over. The water cascaded down on the sleeping Katie, who shuddered and twitched violently before blinking.  
  
*************  
  
Water fell all around me. Gimli had returned and he was turned into a Ploogerhasenfischen too. I stared at him in horror. How could the ONLY normal person desert me like this? Evil Dwarf.I always knew he was against me like everyone else. It would have been nice if he'd stuck with me though. I can't fend off all the Ploogerized freaks by meself.  
  
Will and Jack had come bellow deck, and both started to throw omelets at me while the others shook me. I didn't know WHY they kept shaking me, and they wouldn't stop. Neither would the Omelet throwers. And Gimli kept dumping water on me. Harold flew out from somewhere and latch his little root legs onto my face. He was.purple. I clawed at him, trying to make the possessed dandelion get off. MAKE THE MADNESS STOP!  
  
"STOP THROWING OMELETS AT ME!" I snapped at Jack and Will. Much to my surprise, they stopped. But Gimli didn't. He tossed more water on me, and startled me. I sputtered at the suddenly waterfall of liquid. Twitching, my eyes closed, I waved my arms around, trying to ward off anyone who might attack me while I was temporarily blinded. I blinked the water from my eyes, and looked around. Wait.  
  
Where'd the Ploogerized Ones go?  
  
In place of them there were.dare I even think it? Normal Legolas, Gimli, Emily, and Aragorn. Jack and Will were gone, as was the Black Pearl, and I was on the ground in a puddle of water. My clothes were wet, and the four of them stood around me in a circle. Emily was trying not to laugh at my wet state, and the others were looking very amused. Well, I'm glad they think me entertaining.BUT THIS IS A TIME OF SERIOUSNESS!  
  
"Where'd the Ploogerhasenfischen go?" I asked dumbly, not expecting an answer.  
  
"The WHAT?" Legolas peered into my eyes. "Are you all right?"  
  
"Of course she's not all right, she's on SOMETHING. What, I don't know, but she was screaming about omelets, and normal Aragorn, Legolas, and me, and something about Gimli.And Plooger...Pluggernised Ones?"  
  
"Dream.creepy.twitch.Damn Ploogerhasenfischen freaks...WAIT! YOU HAVE NO TENTACLES!" I squealed in joy and sprang up, hugging first Emily, then Legolas, then Gimli, then Aragorn. "And you're not PURPLE! And Jack and Will aren't throwing omelets at me and they're gone! I'm back home!" I started to prance around, clapping my hands and giggling insanely.  
  
"I worry about her." Emily muttered and shook her head. "The THINGS she thinks of.Tentacles? Where the hell did she get THAT from?"  
  
"It was from a nightmare, you fools. An there was some weird omlete throwing Will and Jack and it was not cool. I couldn't get out of it...I think I'm mentally injured right now!"  
  
"More than you were before?" Emily asked.  
  
"Yes!"  
  
"Explain, little padewon," she ordered and handed me a set of dry clothes.  
  
"It was a dream. You and me were singing the Captain Jack song from Girl Scout camp, and the trees were glowing yellow and green. And then suddenly Legolas was there, and he screamed 'Whee!' and then--"  
  
"I screamed WHAT?"  
  
"'Wheeee!' I do it all the time."  
  
"That's what worries me," he said to himself, and I grinned.  
  
"Anyway, then you and Legolas turned into those Ploogerhasenfischen--you had tentacles, which were called Ploogerhasens, and your skin was purple-- and then Aragorn came and you were going to turn Gimli and I into one of those things."  
  
"That's is odd...very odd indeed," Emily commented.  
  
"You were calling yourselves...uh...what was it? Emallace, Aragorman, and Legorenzo," I continued."So we--Gimli and I--went through the sparkly portal of happiness that appeared, and ended up on the Black Pearl, and Jack got mad at us for stowing-away on his ship even though we didn't stow- away, and then Will came out in a flowered apron that said 'kiss me, I'm a cook/blacksmith who likes to murder toenails' and leather high heels."  
  
"WILL? As in Will TURNER?" Emily cut in, looking at me in disgust. It's not MY fault I had that dream though!  
  
"Uh...yeah..."  
  
"Poor Will..."  
  
"Stop interrupting. He was making burnt omelets, and he tried to make me and Gimli eat them. But we wouldn't, so he got mad at us, and he called the evil Emily, Legolas, and Aragorn on us. Then Will and Jack started to throw omelets at me. The Evil Ones turned Gimli into a Ploogerhasenfischen, and he started to dump water on me. And Harold attacked me too. Then I woke up."  
  
"Well...that was...interesting..." Legolas said slowly and vaguely, giving me weird looks. They all think it's MY fault, do they? Well it isn't! I can't control the nightmares I have!  
  
"It was scary," I said solemnly. "I need a hug." Here I let out a huge, fake sob. "I was scared! I thought I was going to get Ploogerized! SOMEONE HUG ME!" Emily obliged and hugged me briefly, and Legolas actually patted me in the head. Gimli and Aragorn were giving me sympathetic looks too. Er...nevermind...they were just trying not to laugh...Fools...  
  
"Well, Katie, you have successfully woken up half the army," Aragorn commented, looking annoyed at this. "Next time try to be a little quieter." He shook his head, and then went off to do...something. Gimli and Legolas shared identical looks of mirth.  
  
"If you'll excuse us for a moment," Gimli muttered and they followed Aragorn. Then started to laugh as soon as they thought we couldn't hear them. Meanies...I need help here! I am mentally unstable and all they can do is laugh...hmph...  
  
"Katie..."  
  
"Yes, Wallace m'dear?"  
  
"I'm going to Ploogerize you!" she cried and lunged at me, grinning insanely. I shrieked and ran off. NO!! MUST NOT BE PLOOGERIZED!!!  
  
****************  
  
*coughs* No, I am so not insane. I was bored. I also have a slight writers block, and it was fun to write this. So flame this chapter for it's stupidity and uselessness, or hug it. I doesn't care!  
  
Katie got TTT!!!! *prances around happily and hugs Legolas at random*  
  
LEGOLAS: Must.breath.*claws at her arms*  
  
*lets him go.* Now, cheesy muffins. Sorry for the delay in updating. Like I said, I've had a bit of a block, and it's been busy. My computer got screwed with.you seriously don't want to know the details. *grimaces*  
  
I love that word.Ploogerhasenfischen.*giggles insanely*  
  
The Milkman: *sigh* Those voices again, eh? They're so pesky.I have those too. Well, not exactly VOICES.more like imaginary friends.Very ANNOYING and IRRITATING and STUPID ones.*looks directly at Legolas, Jack, Will, and Elizabeth* I feel your pain. *nods slowly*  
  
Lolly: You don't like dandelions? *sighs and shakes her head* Poor you.haven't been enlightened.Well, it's 50.00 for reserving a rope, which we tie around your waist and drag you behind the boat. Then 125.00 if you want to be tied to the mast. Then it's 300.00 for the back of the boat. And for free movement it's 350.00, but you have to bring your own refreshments, clothes, etc. For everything, it's 1,000,000,000 million Grapes Pennies, which, might I add, don't exist anymore. *innocent look*  
  
Legolas stalker: Yes, Harold is simply amazing. *proud look in Harold's direction* Well, yeah, since it's a humor fic, it's not supposed to be serious. I have officially stretched canon and made them all OOC so bad it's not even funny, and further more, it's a Mary Sue in general. But I like it, it's fun for me to write, and I like torturing Middle Earthians. Of course, in the furture I want more canon correctness, but this WAS my first fic EVER, so it's not absolutely TERRIBLE terrible.I hope not at least.Yeah, the preppy music was annoying. *sniffs* No country! I never went to another dance again. They don't play my music, I no show. I mean, seriously, who WOULDN'T like Emerson Drive and Rascal Flatts and Dixie Chicks and Trick Pony and those people? The ones who don't are CRAZY. 


	11. Emily Gets to Be a Hairdresser REWRITTEN

DISCLAIMER: I own stuff. Just not LOTR. I DO however, own Katie, Emily, Harold, Obstinate Fool, and my back up CD. Isn't that spiffy? Anyway, you no use those people. Because they is MINES. MINES you fools, mines! *starts to cackle but stops and chokes* Oh, and the little ideas of annoyance are mine too. I thought of them all by me onesies! *coughs from a certain girl names Emily* That thing over there helped too.  
  
CHAPTER TEN  
  
Well, I didn't get Ploogerized, if you're wondering. Which, in all likely hood, you aren't. Emily, of course, couldn't resist teasing me about it. But it was okay with me. She didn't know the terror; therefore she couldn't possibly understand how traumatizing it was. It really wasn't her fault she was ignorant. Well, some of the time it might be.but not this time.  
  
Six days from the time we left Minas Tirith, the landscape had changed drastically. We had gone past Cirith Gorgor, and there were no longer trees and grass and flowers (aka green happy crap). Instead there were jagged rock formations, and harsh cliffs and mountains and land. It was really rather depressing, and I didn't like it at all. Who would?  
  
Around this time men started to peel away from our army. Aragorn let them go, and surprisingly wasn't angry. More sympathetic really. I was tempted to do the same as the men, but something stopped me from doing that.  
  
Maybe it was the desolate landscape, or the mind-grinding task ahead of us. Maybe I simply needed Prozac or something. I started to think about death, and what it would be like. I mean, going into battle sort of makes you think of those things.  
  
It was strange. At first, this war thing was a game to me, a joke. I didn't really comprehend the fact that the man riding next to me might not come back. Or if I would even come back. Those things really don't seem to hit you until certain times. I started to count how many times one of my friends could have died. There were so many moments the life could have been taken out of them it wasn't EVEN funny. Tolkien didn't make the rules anymore. Someone could die. Someone could be mortally wounded. That was a scary thought.  
  
Looking ahead of the column, I saw Aragorn, Gimli, Legolas, Gandalf, Elrohir and Elladan, Eomer, Imrahil, Pippin.They were all so much braver than I was. They were the real heroes of this world. I was just a little tag along. I was no warrior; I was not someone who would be known in this historical event. Why WAS I here anyway? Besides the fact that Emily dragged me along?  
  
If I really thought about it, I'd say it was because I wanted to make a difference. I WANTED people to know about me. Just a little even. Some people might call it a longing, I guess. I wanted to prove myself so badly. If I was thinking straight, I realize I was no match for the wonders I rode along with. If you compared me to them, I'd have nothing on them in some ways.  
  
I was only a little girl, who was just learning things about the real world. Not everything was a fairy tale anymore. This Quest had turned into something bigger, so much bigger than I ever imagined. I knew the story; I knew what would happen. But by being there, with the heroes and heroines, it was a great impact. Greater than anything Tolkien could have said.  
  
Take Eowyn for example. People like her are the ones who deserve to live these kinds of things. REAL warriors, REAL heroes, REAL fighters. Instead, she was stuck in Gondor trying to get better from the wounds the Witch King gave her. She should be riding with these people, not some naïve child like myself.  
  
All those times when Legolas and Aragorn and Gimli told Emily and I that we should stay put and out of harms way, I couldn't remember WHY I didn't listen. I only got in the way, only made things worse for everyone. I had a feeling that's what would happen in Mordor if I weren't careful.  
If I were careful this time, maybe they'd mention me in the books.  
  
****************  
  
"Hullo, Aragorn," Emily said innocently, walking up slowly to where Aragorn was sitting over a travel desk, looking at maps and reports of something. It's Special Edition War Time Aragorn, available only at your local Toys R Us! Er.don't ask.  
  
"What do you want?" he asked absently.  
  
"Emily has a strange feeling in Emily's right elbow. The feeling says that you need to practice the pretty swordling with Emily!" she declared.  
  
"Can't Emily just go away for a moment?" he asked curtly, looking entirely too grumpy.  
  
"Emily cannot."  
  
"Emily needs to come back later then."  
  
"How much later?"  
  
"Later."  
  
"HOW MUCH LATER?"  
  
"Just later!" he snapped irritably, bent over a map in concentration. I realized that he was doing something important. Then again, he always seems to do important things. It's us two who do the non-important things. Which are always more entertaining, might I add.  
  
"Leave him alone, girls," someone cautions from on top of the desk. I looked down at the dandelion who was seated there. Why was he there?  
  
"Whacha doin Harold?" I asked curiously.  
  
"Helping," was the only answer. Why on earth was Aragorn letting Harold help him? Who in their right mind would let a talking dandelion help them plot a war? Maybe Aragorn finally caved or something.  
  
"Come on, Wallace, you can ask Legolana to help you. The King of Acorns is not in the mood for our random humor," I added, just as she opened her mouth to argue. Despite the fact that Harold was annoying, he had a good point. I didn't know about Emily, but Aragorn was under a lot of stress and I honestly did NOT want to see him mad. It was sure to be a terrifying sight to behold.  
  
I tugged on her arm and forced her to follow me on my search for the Elfling. Some how, I thought he was a lot less likely to kill us if we bugged him. Seeing as how he doesn't have the future of Middle Earth on basically only his shoulders.  
  
Poor Aragorn.  
  
But I could do nothing about it, of course. No one listens to the stupid little Katie anyway...They all under estimate my intelligence level. I am really quite smart. But not smart enough to plan battle-tactics.  
  
"Legging Lass, my dear!" I called when I saw the familiar blonde head. He was sitting with Pippin and Gimli, messing around with his arrows. Probably fixing them or something of the sort.  
  
"It's Legolas," he corrected with the air of one who had said it many, many times.  
  
"I know what your name is, stupid!"  
  
"Sometimes I have to wonder about that, Katie," he muttered and I hit him with a stick I saw laying on the ground. He's just a dumb blonde (no offense to blondes)...  
  
"Why are you interrupting our conversation?" Gimli raised an eyebrow in our direction.  
  
"Wrecking havoc," I answered at the same time as Emily said, "Bugging you." We grinned at each other.  
  
"Well that's nothing we haven't know from the beginning," Pippin threw in. I scowled at him. He's been taken over by the normal ones! Then again, they WERE all normal before we came along. Normal for Middle Earthians at least.  
  
"Leeeegolas. Aragorn is busy. So guess what you get ta do wif Emily! You get to help me practice with my sword!" Emily said cheerfully, acting as though she was giving him a treat. I snorted, envisioning all the possible outcomes of Legolas helping Emily use her sword. There's always the scenario when they finish each other off...But no, Emily is the only insane person here and I need her intelligence (if she has any) and Legolas is simply to pretty to kill. Maybe if they just knocked each other out?  
  
"Why can Katie help you? I don't have time to watch you make a fool out of yourself."  
  
"That was cold, man...and Katie can't do it because Katie is an ignorant bow twanger, who can barely use a bow, let alone a sword," she explained in exasperation. That's mean...  
  
"I resent that," I muttered and glared at her. She ignored my comments, as usual.  
  
"Do you REALLY want some innocent bystander to loose an eye? From Katie, I mean," she threatened Legolas who seemed to be debating whether or not to help her.  
  
"This ONCE I will pretend I didn't hear that."  
  
"Well, it IS true Katie. You are impossible with weapons," she said.  
  
"I'll start singing Rascal Flatts if you don't stop insulting me...and we all know how much Emily despises country," I said in an airy voice, looking up at the sky as though I was interested in the clouds.  
  
"Please don't. You scare me with your awful singing--"  
  
"That's it. I've got the lights turned up/ the door is locked, the bedroom TVs on/ Doin the only thing that gets me through the night since you've been--"  
  
"STOP! Stop, stop, stop!" Emily cried and clapped her hands over her ears. I feel unloved. How can she diss Rascal Flatts? Or maybe it's just my voice... "I hate that song!" Nevermind, it's Rascal Flatts...stupid hobbitses.  
  
"God, its not even really country...Doesn't sound like it anyway. It sounds normal!"  
  
"Does too! It sounds nothing like normal music!" she objected stupidly. She's wrong, wrong, wrong! All wrong!  
  
"Prep wanna-be!" I taunted in defense.  
  
"Geek!" she shot back.  
  
"Freak!"  
  
"Nerd!"  
  
"Normal!" I hissed, my eyes narrowing. That's right, I called her normal. No one disses my music and gets away with that. Her mouth dropped about an inch.  
  
"I can't believe you just called me normal..."  
  
"Well, I did. And you know what? It's--"  
  
"ENOUGH!" Legolas interrupted. Though he had no idea of what we were arguing about, it seemed to just irritate him. "Emily, hurry up and get out your sword. I'll help you, just cease the movement of your mouths!"  
  
"If that's even possible for you two," Pippin murmured. He and Gimli exchanging amused looks. Emily and I aren't the only ones who think it's funny when Legolas gets mad...Cool!  
  
"Fine..." I crossed my arms and glared at him, content with sitting down in the space he has occupied before on the ground. To Pippin and Gimli, I said, "He's stupid."  
  
"So are you," Gimli said fairly. Yes, fairly. I am stupid sometimes...but still, he shouldn't be so blunt.  
  
"I tried to save you from the Ploogerhasenfischens! Don't make me regret that!"  
  
"The what?" Pippin asked, confused. He hadn't been there when I explained so he didn't know what we were talking about. Poor lad...All confuzzled now! I started to fill him in on the details, but Gimli interrupted.  
  
"It's a long story, lad, one that you'd rather not here, I assure--" he started to tell Pippin, causing me to give him insulted looks. How dare he interrupt me? I'm the only one who can do that!  
  
"No, it's a very nice story, and you should really--" I started to interrupt HIM, but then he did the same to me.  
  
"Not hear it," he cut in.  
  
"You know, it's very hard to interrupt someone when they keep interrupting you," I muttered and looked pointedly at him. He ignored my dark glances and fixed his gaze on Legolas and Emily, who seemed to have started practicing while we were arguing. Mean Dwarf...  
  
"You're foot work needs a little practicing on," Legolas was saying to Emily. He had a sword now, not his knives. He can magically conjure up swords! Awesome!  
  
"I'm trying here!" she snapped in frustration and swung her sword up to block the attack he had moved on her. His hair was flying around in a sort of halo-looking way. She brought her sword up, and nearly clipped his head. Instead, she swung it through his flailing hair. Wow, he's good.he'd jumped back in time to save himself from uncertain death.  
  
"Legolana, you smo smay?" I asked, peering over at the Elf, who was looking a little startled. He nodded anyway.  
  
"Emily...try not to kill me. Please. Swords are sharp objects, and they CAN kill people," he reminded Emily seriously. He stared at her icily until she nodded and smiled weakly.  
  
"Sorry," she muttered. Legolas muttered something under his breathe, that sounded suspiciously like, "toss them into the Anduin when we return to Gondor" and turned around. That's when I saw his hair. Most of it was perfectly normal and shiny and blonde and pretty and-yeah, you get the picture. But the other part, where Emily's sword went through.it was jaggedly cut. My mouth dropped about an inch. Then I started to giggle.  
  
"What are you laughing at now?" Gimli turned and looked at me questioningly. I could only giggle even louder. Legolas looked like someone had tried to give him a haircut. The key word being tried. Instead of evenly cutting like normal people giving haircuts do, the section was severed off. Like someone had taken an ax to it. Or a sword.Pippin followed my line of eyesight, and immediately started to chuckle.  
  
"Are you just going to sit there giggling like an idiot or are either of you going to tell me?" the Dwarf questioned haughtily. I simply pointed at the Elf's hair. He started to snicker along with us.  
"Legolas! You might want to look in the mirror..." Gimli suggested to Legolas, who turned around and gave his friend a confused look. Emily caught his new "haircut" when he turned away from her and her eyes widened. She clamped her hands over her mouth, and her shoulders started to shake. Poor Legolas, even she started to laugh at him.  
  
"S-S-Sorry, Legolas," she gasped out with a grin.  
  
"What? What are you all laughing at?" he demanded, giving us the evil look.  
  
"Um...your hair...kinda has a new...do..." I snorted again and dissolved into more giggles. He reached behind his head, and felt his hair, his eyes growing wide as his hand explored the damage done from Emily's sword. How her sword actually CUT his hair is beyond me. I would never expect THAT to cut someone's hair.  
  
"EMILY!" he roared and whipped around. Uh oh, must save friend from certain death. I sprang up and latched myself on to Legolas's right arm before he could do something rash.  
  
"Down, boy, down! It's not that bad. You just need to get the other parts fixed to that length and you won't look like someone took a chain saw to your head..." I reasoned, digging my heels into the ground in case he tried to get out of my grasp.  
  
"Please don't kill me!" Emily begged, trying hard not to start laughing again.  
  
"But--she--my hair!" he stuttered in outrage and looked at me darkly before shaking me off. I grabbed onto his arm again. Must restrain mental escapee! A P.O.ed Elven prince is not a pretty sight, I'll tell you. We would have probably been safer with Aragorn getting mad at us than Legolas.  
  
"Liiiiiisten little Elf. I'm going to fix it for you." This obviously was not a bright idea. He cast his angry look to me, and I shrank back, but didn't let go of his arm. Must retain tight grip or Emily is as good as dead.  
  
"Don't--touch--my--hair," he hissed and wrestled his arm away from me. Then he stormed off.  
  
"Great job Einstein," I growled at Emily, who could only laugh. My God she's hopeless...  
  
Eventually, Legolas DID let me fix his hair. With much wheedling and begging on Gimli, Pippin, and my part, and much cursing and laughing on Emily's part, at least. I mean, I WAS the only one with a handy pair of safety scissors (which I found in my trapper). Strange how those things pop up as they are necessary. It turned out perfectly fine. Really.  
  
Okay, so I lied.  
  
In truth, he wouldn't let me fix it. He adamantly refused my help, explaining that the day he let me do anything to his hair, Mordor would freeze over and the Valar would take a sick leave. In other words, never. That, of course, would simply not do. The poor lad would walk around with people snickering at him if he didn't let me help.  
  
So what could I do? Well.the only thing that I could do, Watson. Drastic times called for drastic measures. I decided I'd fix his hair when he was not coherent. Or, in other words, when he was sleeping.  
  
Luckily, Aragorn demanded that the little Elfling sleep. Everyone knows Elves can go without sleep for a pretty long time, which was what Legolas had been doing. But they do short out some time, you know. I mean, they aren't Ever Running Bunnies or anything. Aragorn was a good person too, for making him sleepy sleep. Because my plans would be foiled without that vital thing.  
  
That night, after Aragorn had taken away Emily's sword for the rest of the day, and after Legolas and propped himself up against a tree, his arms crossed. I tried to innocently watch him, waiting for the time when his eyes would get all hazy and the lids droop halfway in Elven sleep.  
  
My silent vigil continued until everyone around us was asleep and I could carry out my plot unnoticed. I couldn't have someone waking him up now, could I? No, of course not. Now, must arm self with safety scissors. I snapped the purple, pointed objects dangerously, and started to hum the Mission Impossible theme song.  
  
As stealthily as I could (which meant stepping on at least ten twigs, kicking nearly five rocks aside, and tripping twice in the dark) I made my way over to the Elf. Amazingly enough he didn't wake up. VICTORY! Almost at least.  
  
Carefully, I angled my scissors so that they were behind his head. Gently.gently.just a little off.oops. I picked up the hunk of blonde hair from the ground. And shrugged and continued to cut.  
  
The first time around, I only screwed it up more. I tried cutting in straight across, but some parts were still jagged. By that time I had taken off at least two inches of his poor little hairs.  
  
"Oops." I muttered under my breath. He was NOT going to be happy, and I was going to be a pincushion or something if I didn't fix his hair soon. So I had to take off another inch of his hair in order to fix my mistake. But much to my utmost annoyance, I had cut part of it unevenly.  
  
"Dammit." He shifted in his sleep and I cringed, squeezing my eyes shut. Dammit it again. He settled again, still "asleep." I let out a sigh of relief and raised my scissors again. Meh, this was not going to turn out too good, I could just tell. I snipped a bit off here and there, an by the time I had finished, his hair reached just about an inch and a half past his shoulders. Some parts where shorted than the others by a hair (no pun intended), but it didn't look too bad. Not REALLY. Not to ME at least. Then again, anyone can tell you I don't pay much attention to little mess ups like those. So it looked sort of normal.right?  
  
Oh God, the fangirls are going to kill me.  
  
So is Legolas in fact.  
  
But hey, I never claimed to be brilliant with a pair of scissors. It's Emily's fault she wanted to play hairdresser anyway. At least he didn't loose ALL of it.I look down at the fairly long strands of hair on the ground. I picked up the locks I had cut off. I could save these and sell them on E-bay!  
  
"Bye! Come again to Katie's "I Will Fix Your Screwed Up Hair" Parlor!" I whispered and crept off with a wave. "Thanks for your hair donation!" I grabbed my scissors, and wandered back to where Emily and I had set up camp. BACK TO THE FORTRESS, MY CHEESE MONKEYS! I did a decent job, in my own opinion.  
  
Sleep, I decided, was a good thing right then.  
  
"Erm.Katie.wakey, wakey," Emily said loudly. I blinked, and rubbed the sleep from my eyes tiredly.  
  
"Too.early.need.caffeine.cannot.go on.much longer.without.sacred caffeine," I managed to gasp out before covering my head with my Will Hat (which I slept in-my head got cold again). "Why are you waking me up so early?"  
  
"Kaitlin Eileen Twiss!" Dammit.  
  
"Uh oh, it's never good when they use the full name. Wait a minute- how'd you know my full and real name? CAN YOU READ MINDS, ELF BOY?"  
  
"I told him," Emily muttered. Ooooh.  
  
"Oh."  
  
"KATIE! WHAT-DID-YOU-DO-TO-MY-HAIR?!" he hissed through his teeth, gesturing fiercely to his shortened blond tresses.  
  
"I fixed it," I said slowly, wincing as his icy glare bore into me. Eh.maybe that wasn't such a great idea. "Sorry?"  
  
"It's short!"  
  
"Would you rather it long and uneven?"  
  
"YES!"  
  
"No you wouldn't, trust me. I did you a favor."  
  
"Katie, Katie, Katie," he moaned and placed his hand on his forehead in irritation.  
  
"Hey, I said sorry!"  
  
"It's MY hair, not YOURS, therefore you are not to touch it! UNDERSTAND?" he said slowly and very loudly to drill it into my head. I gulped and nodded. Er.scary? I didn't understand actually. I helped him out! And now he's mad at me? I mean, it'll grow back, right? Right! So he had no reason to be P.O.ed still!  
  
"Good!" He stalked off, grumbling about his hair loss. Emily started to laugh at me loudly for some reason or another and glared at her. Not that it helped.  
  
"Katie," she moaned. Second time someone's moaned my name."You're so stupid!"  
  
"Screw you." I muttered and went off in the other direction from Legolas, not wanting to run into him the other way. I could still here Emily laughing at me. Stupid hobbitses.she will feel my wrath soon enough! MUHAHAHAHAHAHA! I yawned loudly, and peered around, searching for Aragorn's familiar face. Maybe he could fix Legolas's problem.  
  
"Hey, dude," I greeted him as soon as I found him.  
  
"Good morning, Katie," he answered relatively cheerfully. How do these people be HAPPY in the mornings? How do they do it? Maybe they're magical.  
  
"Legolas is mad at me," I stated.  
  
"What did you do to him now?" he asked with an exaggerated sigh.  
  
"I helped his hair problem."  
  
"Tell me you didn't cut it."  
  
"I didn't cut it," I lied.  
  
"Without lying."  
  
"No comment."  
  
"Katie," he moaned. Why is everyone moaning my name this morning? "Why in Eru's name did you think that'd make him happier?"  
  
"Well, I get happy when my hair doesn't look wrong like his did." I said slowly. My reason was right, right?  
  
"You did this knowing you would risk his wrath?"  
  
"I kinda thought he'd appreciate it."  
  
"You thought wrong, obviously."  
  
"No need to rub it in."  
  
"Katie.I have grown up around Elves. I've lived around them most of my life. They do NOT appreciate little girls trying to cut their hair," he said with a wry smile. At least someone thinks I'm amusing.hehe, I have attention!  
  
"I didn't know that."  
  
"Well, now you do. And you ought to remember it if you know what's good for you," he said and randomly squeezed my shoulder before walking off. Maybe I should remember that.  
  
I went off in search of Emily. I had lost her when I went to talk to Aragorn, and she wasn't by our little camp out when I got back. My saddlebag was also gone. I poked around, looking for her. Eventually, I found her idly flipping through my dictionary of Elvish. My saddlebag lay in a heap next to her. She obviously went through my stuff to find the dictionary. Cheesy monkey girl.how dare she rummage through my stuff? Let's forget the fact that I do it all the time to other people, savvy?  
  
"Auta miquila orqu!" she said randomly when I walked over to her.  
  
"Your accent is terrible. Then again, so is mine..." I added as an after thought.  
  
"Too right you are. Still mad at you?" she asked with a grin.  
  
"Eh...yeah, of course." She giggled. "You shameless fool. It's your fault, you know. He really does like his hair, you know. You're so stupid, I can't believe you did that.He practically loves his hair, you know that."  
  
"I think you like it more..."  
  
"It's shiny!"  
  
"Is that all?"  
  
"And soft, and it smells good. And it's...shiny..."  
  
"Riiiight..."  
  
"Es ist hübscher als Aragorns Haar..." I muttered in German. (It's prettier than Aragorn's hair.)  
  
"Don't EVEN start."  
  
"Wasn't going to."  
  
"Then why were you speaking German, HUH?" she asked with a wry look.  
  
"Because I was."  
  
"What's that in your hand?" she pointed to my balled up fist. I opened it and showed her the five inches of blonde hair that I collected.  
  
"Legolas hair!"  
  
"Wow."  
  
"Yeah, I know. I'm gonna make meself a wig."  
  
"A wig? How?"  
  
"With a hat and glue!" I exclaimed happily and sat down next to her. I stuck my hand into my bag, and pulled out the sacred Gandalf Hat. Okay, so it wasn't sacred, it was just nifty. "Got any glue, dear, Watson?"  
  
"Katie. Why on earth would I have GLUE?"  
  
"Uh.because you're nice? I take it you don't."  
  
"Of course I don't. Look in your trapper. You have practically everything in there.Hey, do you think it's magically? Because I could have sworn you left your scissors at my house the day before we poofed here, but they were in your trapper today," she mused slowly, raising her eyebrows in question.  
  
"Nah, you gave them to me and the beginning of first hour."  
  
"Oh." We fell silent, she peering down at the pages in the dictionary and me poking through my belongs for glue. Finally, with a triumphant cry, I found it. I'm so good! I grabbed the nifty Gandalf Hat and squirted a thick line of glue all the way around the brim. Then, I gathered up the longer pieces of blonde hair I had, and stuck them strategically on the glue line. It looked rather stupid, and it didn't really work, but I was happy and didn't care.  
  
Several places I had to give only a sparse line of hair because of my shortage. I barely had enough to go around. When I finished, I set the hat aside and gave Emily a broad smile of gleefulness.  
  
"You are pathetic," she said with a sigh and rolled her eyes.  
  
"No, I'm just special!" I corrected her and pulled on her ear for no reason. "You have metal ears!" She whapped me with her hand to make me shut up (which I didn't) and continued to read in peace (not). For the next fifteen minutes I bugged her in numerous ways, until she simply screamed, "KATIE, LEAVE ME ALONE!" Then I decided it was best to let sleeping turkeys lie sleeping, whatever that meant.  
  
"Look, my hat is dry!" I cried happily after five more minutes. She ignored me. Again. Why am I always ignored? I have good ideas, but I'm always ignored. What kind of world is this if people don't listen to each other? Anyway, I plunked to Gandalf Hat onto my head and beamed at Emily. Perfecto!  
  
Well, almost at least.  
  
"You look like.like a hippie or something," Emily said when she saw me. My only problem with my ingenious plan was that I stupidly put hair around ALL of the brim. Therefore, it looked like I had over grown blond bangs.  
  
"That's okay. All the more stupid the better, right? Right."  
  
"Hey, Katie?"  
  
"Hm?"  
  
"Why are people starting to move again?"  
  
"Maybe 'cause.we're leaving?" I suggested slowly, putting two and two together.  
  
"You think we should too?"  
  
"Well, that would be the smart thing to do..." We looked at eachother, I shoved my stuff into my saddle bag, then we took off running to where I left Obstinate Fool. They mustn't leave without us! The ground dipped downward, forming almost a hill, causing us to go faster and faster as we raced for the horse. Must slow down...oh no...ooooh no...Legolas was standing near Obstinate Fool. And guess who was about to crash into him?  
  
"KATIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"  
  
Damn it.  
  
**************  
  
Well.wasn't that fun?  
  
I'm sad.this is almost done.but hey, you never know when Katie and Emily might strike again.*hint hint* Right? Right! MUHAHAHAHAHA! *stops cackling when she starts to choke* Er.yeah.  
  
Yeah...Katie gets to rip out bathroom tiles...COWER BEFORE MY FEET, RANDOM WALL TILES! BWHAUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! It's bloody hard to get those tiles off the wall sometimes, ya know. So it's actually work. It's not just a walk in the park...dun dun da dun...*coughs* Uh, yeah, I like saying that...  
  
The Milkman: Ooo...octupuses! Of course I recognized you as you. I couldn't very well recognize you as anyone else, because like you said, that's just screwy. *nods matter of factly* You should be proud of me, by the way. I've been listen to something NON-COUNTRY. *ranodm peoples applaud* Katie has been listening to Evanescence. So be happy, for she is no longer one-music- genre!  
  
saiyan-girl-cheetah: S'okies! ^_^ I'm busy too...school starting up for me too. o_o it's scary, I don't wanna go back to the darkness of school...*shivers and twitches*  
  
legolas stalker: Yay! Hyperness! Yeah, I did notice that. However, I would rather just watch, because being an arrow sounds uncool. Because, if you think about it, arrows have to do dirty work, like kill people (or Orcs) and get shoved into quivers and the darkness and broken. And other stuff. But eh, if you wanna be an arrow...be an arrow, I say! *applauds and smiles broadly* Harold should be ruler of the world. Or at least ruler of Bosnia. Or something like that.  
  
Dy: Ah, my poor weedy friend...He is unloved. . Oh well, I loves him, and he's happy because of such! 


	12. The Morannon

DISCLAIMER: I own nothing related to LOTR and Tolkien. I own meself, Emily, Obstinate Fool, Harold, etc etc.  
  
A/N: Remember to read the rewritten chapter ten! I made it different (sort of).  
  
Other A/N: *grovels at Tolkien's feet* Forgive me for creating stupid and pathetic excuses for Gondorian names such as Algeren and Kian and Leonia and Rizina.I AM NOT WORTHY! Yeah.I created though people too. No use. Not that you'd WANT to use them.*again grovels at Tolkien's feet* Just one more apology to make.Please pardon my stupid, dirty hide for creating a self- inserted Mary Sue fanfic. I swear on my copy of the Fellowship of the Ring that I will never, so long as I live, create another one of these. *bows her head in shame*  
  
Now.on with the fic!  
  
CHAPTER ELEVEN  
  
"Katie, you made me run into you and Legolas! And now we're all in the mud. Again. God.Kaitlin Deleno Twiss, you are under house arrest!" Emily spat and wiped mud out of her mouth. Why does everyone insist on using my full name-fake or real full name-whenever I'm in trouble? It's not law you have to do that or anything.  
"Katie." Legolas growled. "Emily."  
"Um.hi?" I said softly. This was not a good time to make him mad. Oh no, not a good time at all. I was in the dog house for sure now.  
"I've had it," he continued in a low, angry voice. It was that scary one, the one where people use when they're trying very hard not to knock you out. And an Elf that wants to knock you out is not cool at all. "I have HAD it with you both!"  
"I think you've had it for a while, but-" Emily started to say but I clamped one mud covered hand over her mouth. Now was not the time to make Legolas mad, Wallace m'dear.  
"Both of you, for now, are going to stay away from the battle in Mordor. You are not going to go out there at all, and you aren't going to move from the place I situate you in," he said, still using the low voice. Oh. No. BAD LEGOLAS! How can he do that? HOW CAN HE DO THAT? They GOTTA mention me in the books.they gotta.  
"We swear we'll be good!" I protested weakly. He simply couldn't do that.  
"Yeah!" Emily chimed in hopefully. His eyes flashed dangerously.  
"No," was the only thing he said and walked over to his horse. Gimli seemed eager to not piss him off anymore and remained quiet as the fuming, mud covered Elf climbed onto the animal. I stood up, dripping in muck (this time not intentionally), scowling at him.  
"He can't do that. He can't do that!" I cried softly, and looked at Emily, who looked equally as furious.  
"We haven't come this far to be left out like that!" she said defiantly.  
"Of course we are not going to listen to him.right?"  
"Right."  
  
***************  
  
Grr.this guy means business.Definitely business. What he didn't realize was that so did we. Legolas had taken away all our weapons and anything remotely like one. Aragorn had also quietly asked one of the soldiers to watch us, after Legolas had threatened him with "past stories to share around the fireside." Knowing those two, they'd be humiliating ones. So the soldier had to watch us. Like we were children or something. I could only stare darkly at the back of Legolas' head, cursing him to oblivion under my breath.  
The soldier's name was Algeren. He was really the only form of company we had, as Legolas wasn't speaking to us, and Aragorn had to many things on his mind for small talk. Gimli had to go where Legolas went since they were sharing transportation, and like I said before, Legolas wanted nothing to do with us. And Pippin was no where I could see. That left us to talk to Algeren.  
It wasn't so bad actually. He was a very nice guy. He actually pitied us. Well, sort of. He thought it was amusing how I tried to help Legolana though. Which is always a bonus when people think you're funny. I think.  
"Your tale is enjoyable, though I do think you aren't exactly innocent," he said to us. "For the antics and pranks you have pulled, this is the consequence. From the things you have told me, you have done many things worthy of punishment besides these recent events."  
"Well.still.he should have at least thanked me. Doncha think?" I poked his head. The first hour he'd spent with us he learned to simply bat away our hands when he poked him and not take it offensively.  
"I'd say he had to obligation to thank you for something he didn't want done."  
"Whose side are you on anyway, buddy?"  
"'Buddy?'" he repeated curiously.  
"Erm.it means friend," I explained quickly. Just as he learned not to mind our poking, he learned to ignore our odd sayings. When we asked him if he noticed our weirdness, he just shrugged and said there are many different people involved in the way he was getting used to the differences. However, sometimes his curiosity got the better of him and he just had to ask what we were talking about. Young fawns are always so curious, that they are.  
"Anyway.we have to get into the books, that's why it's bad that the Elf has forbidded us from fighting," I explained.  
"You keep saying that, Bart, the whole books thing," Emily said. "What the heck are you talking about?"  
"Well.I want them to mention us in history! So when little Middle- earthian children read about this whole spiel, we'll get remembered!" I paused for a minute. "'Excerpt From Random History Book: and there were these two girls, name Katie and Emily, who went along with King Elessar to Mordor and they were spiffy people!'"  
"Psh.you want fame, you power hungry tulip squasher!" Emily cried and waved her finger around in my face to make her point. I batted her hand away. Stupid hobbitses.trying to poke my eye out like that.  
"Sooo.Algeren.tell us about yeself. We're been rambling on about random and useless things for the past hour and a half and haven't asked anything about you. Got any family? Pet chinchillas? Young plants you care for day in and day out because you have nothing better to do with your life?" Emily asked cheerfully and conversationally. He ignored the plant and chinchilla comments.  
"I have a wife and two daughters back in Minas Tirith," he answered, looking wistful. Poor dude. Misses his family. I felt sorry for him.  
"Did you say 'I have a wife and two dollars?' Dude, you have two dollars! YOU'RE RICH!" Emily exclaimed excitedly. I thought I told her to use as little modern words as possible. I slapped my forehead in irritation. She's so stupid sometimes.  
"Don't confuse him, Emily," I warned her. Even though I was laugh inside. Hey, wouldn't you think it would be funny if someone said, "I have a wife and two dollars?" You would. Trust me. But, just to be polite, and maybe to make him forget about the dollar comment, I asked him and honest, nice, serious question.  
"What's their nameses?" Sort of serious sounding at least.  
"My wife's name is Kian-"  
"Sounds like a boy name," Emily muttered wryly. I whapped her.  
"Shut up, Emily."  
"And my daughters'-"  
  
"Dollars'," Emily said in time with his voice and she started to giggle. Again, I whapped her.  
"Stop being rude, Emily!" I hissed and glared at her. She was bein' mean, man. The dude was only answering my question and yet she ALWAYS just HAD to make sarcastic comments.  
"As I was saying-" here he stopped and scowled at Emily, who gave him an innocent smile. "My daughters' names are Leonia and Rizina."  
"Sounds like a pasta br-"  
"Shut.up."  
"Okay, jeez, Katie."  
"Ignore her. She's just a bitter old crone who wants attention. Forget about her unceasing, monkey-like screeching and let us continue this conversation!" I said happily. Emily poked my head, muttering about how she was most certainly not a monkey. Liar.  
"And what of yourself? Do you have any sisters or brothers?" Algeren asked. Whatever happened to talking about HIM? Oh well.  
"I have a younger brother. Andy. He's evil. But not too evil. He's actually quite nice when he wants to be," I added to give him some credit. I decided to forget the many times he'd waved a lego Bond gun around in my face, or the many times he ran around with a coat hanger pretending to shoot arrows like Legolas, or the many times he had been a plain old brat.  
"Oh, I'm sure you really do appreciate him," Algeren assured me with a smile. "I remember I was much the same with my own brother."  
"Where's he now?" The corner of his mouth twitched visibly, and he tensed up a little. Oops.bad question, Katie.  
"He died," Algeren said softly, in a strange voice. "Not.not very long ago did he die, no more than a year or so. When the troops of Mordor first attacked Minas Tirith, my brother and I went with the other soldiers to fight for our families and our home. My brother-I lived. But my brother.he died in my arms on the battle field." I blinked. Then awkwardly patted his shoulder in what I hoped was a comforting way. Emily gave him a sympathetic look.  
"Poor baby," she said to him. He gave her a halfhearted odd look at her usage of names, but didn't press the subject.  
"Sorry about that." I muttered, feeling guilty for bringing up the topic. I'm so brilliant sometimes.not.  
"There is nothing to forgive," he replied with a sad smile. Then his face took on a look of determination. "I will avenge my brother yet." Spiffiness! This guy rocks!  
Hope he doesn't die.  
  
*****************************  
  
We were nearing the Morannon-the Black Gate. Another hour or so and we'd be right in front of it. The thought of that sent shivers down my spine. Black Gate equals bad. Peter Jackson got the visual picture okay, but he'd never be able to get down how big it was.  
"There is dust in the air," Emily commented from behind me and wrinkled her nose. Obstinate Fool sneezed, seeming to agree with us. I always knew the horse would learn to love us and agree with us.  
"You noticed," I muttered dryly and shushed her. Anyway, like I was saying, the Gate was very big. And very black. Here I was thinking it'd be a little pony pen gate.Well, not quite that actually. A little bigger and scarier than a pony pen gate. But eh, whatever.  
Drums and horns started up. The Black Gate was thrown open quite suddenly, and out came a man on horseback, and with him came black clothed guards. His stead was pure black, blacker than night. Well.that's not quite true. If you really think about it, night is more purply black than blacky black. So maybe jet-black? Coal black? Why am I contemplating the color of his horse at a time like this?  
The rider was also clothed in black (no, I will not tell you what kind of black again.we've been there once already), and his face was rather more of a mask, with flames burning in it's eye sockets and nostrals. Armies of the West, meet Mouth of Sauron. Mouth of Sauron; meet the people who want to kick your ass.  
"Dun dun da dun." Emily hummed. I grinned a little. Humor is a nice thing in these situations.  
"Sh," Algeren said in the faintest whisper. I peered over the many helms in order to see. I strained to hear.  
"Closer?" I asked Algeren, and he nodded, looking like he wanted to know what was going on just as much as I did. We pushed our horses forward a little, until we were in hearing distance. The Mouth of Sauron had just gestured for one of his guards to bring forward something. Oh God.Not Frodo and Sammy Boy's stuff.The guard lay out Sam's sword, an Elven brooch and cloak, and Frodo's mithril mail. I cringed. Pippin let out a cry. Poor little lad.Ahead of me I saw Legolas and Gimli bow there heads in sadness.  
Must not tell.must not tell.CANNOT GIVE AWAY PLOT! Don't even THINK it, Katie!  
Gandalf and the Mouth of Sauron began to negotiate the return of the two hobbitses. I bit my lip to keep myself from shouting out, and say that they were all wrong and Sam and Frodo were going to be okay. That would certainly not help anything. Stupid hobbits.making everyone worry like this.They oughta be ashamed of themselves.  
Eventually, Gandalf grabbed the hobbits' items away from the Mouth of Sauron, who rode back inside in anger. His guards blew their horns, and the Morannon opened up to reveal the Host of Mordor. Uh.Gulp?  
  
*******************  
  
La ba da doom.I updated.YAY! *claps randomly*  
  
Already hating school.tis taking out of my fanfic writing time! And Jacob the Teacozy (aka Emily) won't leave me alone.*immitates Emily* "Katie, write more!" and "Katie, I'll kill you if you don't write more!" No offense Emily.at least she got me writing.  
  
I want the sacred DVD, by the way, Jacob. Pwease?  
  
legolas stalker: Not for sale! *holds hair protectively* Maybe she will, maybe she won't write another one! NOT TELLING! You.have.Legolas T-shirt? GIVES IT TO US!!! *hisses*  
  
The Milkman: Must.breathe.*gasps for air* I'm alive still! Haven't suffocated.yet.Yes, she is listening to Evanescence. Knives are FUN! I will support Dib's Empire even though I don't know her! *random people clap for Katie for some odd reason*  
  
Dr. Evil and Wise Woman: Busy is something I know well.*mutter incoherent rude things about school under her breath* Thank you for the.eh.VAST knowledge.  
  
Dy: NOOO! HAROLD! STAY AWAY FROM THE WEED EATER! *throw Harold in a shoebox and glares* You no touch the dandelion!  
  
I'm back to slaving away, trying to move four pencils from my hexagon of pens and pencils to create three triangles.stupid math.stupid toothpicks.stupid stupidness. 


	13. In Which Emily Quotes People and Shoes

DISCLAIMER: I won no Tolkien stuff. I only own Katie, Emily, Algeren, Harold, Obstinate Fool, etc etc. I CLAIM NO RIGHTS TO LOTR! DON'T KILL ME! *cowers in a corner* All of my crazy, insane ideas/antics/suicide missions belong to me too.

****

In Which Emily Quotes People and Her Shoes

__

Or

Seemingly Harmless Yet Incredibly Fatal Projectile

__

Or

Everyone Is Wounded Chapter!

CHAPTER TWELVE

With my "amazing" brain, I realize counting the Orcs was a futile thing. You simply cannot play the "How Many Orcs Do You See?" game with them. There is entirely too many. It would be a great feat if you accomplished such a thing. Anyone who counts them all, I would hold in great respect. In other words, there were a LOT of Orcs.

"Katie?" Emily prodded my shoulder.

"Hm?"

"I want a teacozy!"

"A what?"

"A teacozy! So people will call me Jacob the Teacozy!" she explained as though it were obvious. I looked at her like she was crazy. Wait, nevermind, she WAS crazy. But not crazy enough to think about teacozys at a time like this! WHO, while in possibly one of the most dangerous battles of all time, thinks about how she wants a teacozy?

"Greeeat…" I muttered and fixed my gaze on the clashing armies. Algeren was next to us, watching just as intently as I was. I knew just how badly he wanted to go out there and kick some Orc ass. The problem was, he was stuck baby-sitting Emily and I. I, naturally, felt bad for him. The dude was TRYING To get revenge, but he was left with us. Poor soul…

We were trying to stay safe, out of the way from everything. We were crouching behind a handy rock. Algeren fought off the random Orcs that tried to come after us, but I could tell he wanted to get into the thick of the battle. 

"Hey…you can go on your battle rampage if you want," I offered him. He gave me a look that said, "Do you want the Elf to let me live or not?" Legolas had threatened him, under pain of death, not to leave us alone. Dumb blonde ass…Algeren wanted to kick the Orcs back to the fiery pit where they were spawned, but nooo, it's "watch the brats, soldier!" The Elf is so unfeeling sometimes.

"Kaaaaatie."

"Hm?" I looked at Emily.

"' Dmitriy, if we live through this, remind me to thank you!'" she quoted from the movie Anastasia. I started to roll my eyes, but stopped and grinned. Hmmm…maybe for once she'll THANK me for something, even if I don't know why she was!

"I vill hold you to zat!" I said in an accent. Don't ask me why I was speaking in an accent.

"Will both of you be silent?" Algeren muttered and turned around to scold us. Suddenly, a horse of Orcs stampeded over to us, intent on killing. Algeren fought off most of them, but in doing so, he lost us in the throng of men and Orcs. Great. Stuck in a battle with no weapon.

"ALGEREN! DON'T LET US DIEEE!" Emily was yelling. It was useless, of course, since Algeren was gone. We were all alone and weaponless. Oh cheesy monkeys, we're gonna die! Even I wasn't stupid enough to go out in a battle with no weapon.

"Katie, we have to find Algeren!" Emily said worriedly. I gave her the look. Obviously SHE was that stupid…

"Emily, dear, look around. Look at yourself. Do you have any weapons?" She shook her head. "Do you think we'll last five minutes out there WITHOUT weapons?" Another head shake. "Do you really want to die?" Head shake. "So, taking into consideration all aforementioned facts, do you think it would be wise to go after our comrade and guard?" One final, dejected head shake. "I rest my case."

"But we aren't entirely safe here either," she pointed out. 

"Safer here than out there."

"Katie, please—KATIE!" she suddenly yelled and pulled me backward. I fell over her sprawled out figure.

"Why—oh." I looked at the grisly black Orc standing above us. It grinned cruelly and raised it's sword. I looked again at it's merciless face. How lovely, my last view before death will be an Orc's bloody, disgusting teeth. "Ew" does not even begin to describe them.

"Uhhhh…hi," I said slowly and gingerly backed away. Emily did the same. "You can go away now." The Orc laughed harshly and gripped it's sword tighter, then started to swing. I scrunched up into a fetal position and closed my eyes tightly. Pure fear gripped me.

"DON'T KILL US!" I screamed in a futile attempt at saving our skins. However, the death blow never came. I opened one eye, then another, and looked up to see…Emily? Her eyes were blazing and a look of sheer pride at what she had accomplished was plastered on her face. A bloody sword was in her hand.

"I killed it, Katie, I killed it! GO MEH!" she yelled gleefully. I looked at the blade she held in her hands, and the dead or at her feet. I let out a shaky laugh.

"You killed it," I repeated, gulping. I regained my composure, and sprang to my feet. Soopa Emily to the rescue! She poked around the dead bodies for a moment, and withdrew a Man-made bow, and an empty quiver.

"I'll help you collect arrows," she offered and we darted between alive and dead people, refilling my quiver with used arrows in a short amount of time. 

"NOW let's go find Algeren!" I said and we marched off. I was still a little shaky, and Emily was still feeling proud of herself for saving me.

***********

Uh oh.

Dammit.

This was just our luck…

Why did it have to be him? Why? Why not someone nice like Aragorn or Gimli or Pippin?

Why did it have to be the Elf?

"Katie…Emily…Perhaps you would care to explain WHY you are here, without Algeren, and in possession of weapons."

"Erm…no, we wouldn't care to explain, we rather like letting you wonder," I said, smiling weakly.

"Please don't kill us, please don't kill us," Emily was chanting. Except it wasn't really helping. If looks could kill…

"WHAT—ARE—YOU—DOING—HERE?" he demanded to know in a loud voice, almost screaming. I winced and cringe. Ehmmm…why did I get the feeling I wouldn't live past the rest of the day.

"Well…we were sort of looking for Algeren because we sort of got kind of separated from him. So it sort of isn't out fault," I told him, purposely adding in the numerous 'sort of's and 'kind of's to annoy him. He pulled us away from the thick of the battle before letting us have it full blast. 

"SO WHY ARE YOU HERE ALONE? Couldn't you have found someone to watch over you?" he growled, and stopped talk to gut an Orc. "I purposely told you to stay away from the battle. And where are you know? IN THE VERY MIDDLE OF THE BATTLE!" His voice was gradually rising to a level of pure shouting. Emily and I both blinked and exchanged glances. I didn't know about here, but I was worried he was going to spontaneously self combust from anger right then and there. Fortunately (or unfortunately, whichever way you care to look at it) he did no such thing. Just got really, really mad.

"Whenever I try to keep you safe, you purposely evade my orders! Do you not understand I'm doing it to keep you both alive? It doesn't help if you keep running off like you do!" he vented. "What do you have to say for yourselves!?" 

"Uh…" Emily started to say stupidly. Legolas' knives flashed, marking her pause and watch as he killed another Orc.

"Sorry?" I offered gingerly. His eyes burned into my own until I looked downward. I guess he wanted a better apology… "We humbly request your forgiveness, oh mighty exalted one." He didn't miss the sarcasm in my voice. 

"Me too," Emily added. Legolas' eyes narrowed, as though he were trying to see if we were sincere or not. Which of course we were. We'd NEVER been insincere in all out lives. Seriously. BELIEVE me. 

"Just—stay close while I find somewhere to put you," he muttered, looking as though he was trying very hard not to kill us. I saluted, and held my bow up and loaded it with an arrow. I shot a random Orc to show him I was ready. Naturally, my shot fell short of the target. What did I expect? I grinned sheepishly at the Elf, who rolled his eyes in answer.

"Come," he ordered and beckoned us to follow. Emily and I trailed after his blonde head quietly as we could, not wanting to irritate him further. He twirled his knives, weaving in and out of the bodies, slicing at Orc flesh and stabbing them. I watch him with interest. Hm. The dude is a fighting machine, I had to give him that. He knew what he was doing. I smirked as an Orc screamed particularly loudly as he killed it. 

And that's when I saw it.

I saw IT.

The big, scary purple penguin of doom coming to take our souls.

Or rather not.

I actually saw an arrow.

Let me explain the importance of said arrow. This arrow (not the big, scary, purple penguin of doom who was coming to take our souls), the thin, wooden, seemingly harmless yet incredibly fatal pointy projectile was speeding through the air at a very alarming rate. This seemingly harmless yet incredibly fatal projectile was speeding through the air at an alarming rate right toward Legolas' unsuspecting Elven self. 

"Shit. Shit, shit, shit. ELF ABOUT TO GO DOWN!" I yelled and waved my arms around. Legolas tried to make out my screaming. I inwardly groaned, and did the only thing I COULD do. When your _mellon_ is in trouble, you gotta do what yah gotta do. 

In this case, I had to dive in front of the seemingly harmless yet incredibly fatal projectile. 

"KATIE!" I heard Emily scream. Time slowed down. Sort of. I hit Legolas with an almighty THUD and he toppled forward. I shielded my head with my arms and prayed this was not the end. Must not be the end...must not be the end…Ooooh, God, don't let it be the end.

And then I felt it hit my skin. Right through my stomach. I gasped, and bent over in pain. Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, OW! IT HURTS!

"Mmmhhppphurp," I groaned and fell to my knees. The world was fading…there was a light at the end of the tunnel…er…okay, nevermind that. Emily and Legolas pulled me over behind another handy rock wall type thing. 

"Don't move, Katie," Legolas ordered. I blinked the stars out of my eyes. Those were only replaced by flashing lights of blue and red. Ooooh…pretty fireworks.

"Is it the fourth of July?" I asked dumbly. I was not particularly coherent, concentrating only on the ache in my torso. "Emily, I never knew the Gondorians had a fourth of July, did you?"

"Emily, help me sit her up," Legolas told Emily. I squinted at him through my daze. Why'd he think I needed help sitting up again? 

"Hold up, mate, I can sit up by me onesies!" I slurred and leaned forward. Then promptly fell back down. That's why I needed help. 

"Bloody hell…" I muttered drowsily. I looked down at my hands clutched around my wound, and pulled them back slightly to see my hands stained with red blood. My blood. Meeeeh…sickness coming along right about now. The sight of my own crimson blood made me want to hurl. Or cry. And since I really didn't want to hurl all over Legolas, who was nice enough to help me sit up, I did the lather. 

My tears came out fat and big. I was a pathetic blob of salty crying, simply sitting on the ground blubbering. TOO MUCH BLOOD IS SCARY! I wanted HOME, where no one stabs Katie, and no one ties Katie from trees, and no one gives Katie arrows in her stomach! The only danger at my house is my brother, whom I can cope with. BUT NOT THE BLOOD!

"It's red!" I managed to choke out before I dissolved into sobs again. 

"You noticed," Emily murmured and patted my shoulder. 

"And it hurts like—like hell!" I moaned. So what if I was being a baby? I had good reason! It's not everyday you get stuck with a seemingly harmless yet incredibly fatal projectile. And see your own blood pouring from your stomach, pooling around a stick, which is inserted in your skin. So you see, anyone would be scared. I was no exception. "I w-wanna go hooome!" And again with the crying.

"Katie, shhh, stop crying!" Legolas cried helplessly. He obviously doesn't deal with many crying people like meself. Poor guy. Try as I might (okay, so I didn't try that hard), I couldn't stop sobbing. "Please? Katie, I need you to calm down so I can take the arrow out." I looked up at him instantly, my eyes wide. Why are the words "take", "arrow", and "out in the same sentence? WHY?

"W-W-What?"

"I need to take it out. If I don't, you'll be hurting a lot worse than you are already," he said slowly, placing one hand on my shaking shoulder. I blinked and turned a fearful gaze to him.

"No way! It's gonna HURT, man!" I snapped, and wiped my wet eyes on the back of my hand. 

"Katie, I am sorry, but I need to get it out," he pleaded. 

"No! I don't want it to hurt more!"

"Emily…" Legolas looked at Emily for help. She sighed, and slammed her hands down on my shoulder, efficiently locking me in a tight grip against the ground. I squirmed, but some how she held me down. NO! 

"This can't be legal," I muttered. Legolas ignored me and put one hand on my shoulder, then gripped the arrow with the other one.

"On three," he said calmly. "One…" This is going to hurt so bad. "Two…" Oh my—DAMN! HE LIED! HE SAID ON THREE! I screamed as he yanked the arrow from my stomach. It brought fresh tears to my eyes from the agony. I felt like the wind had suddenly been knocked from me, even though I didn't land against anything. Why are the croutons punishing me as such? WHY? I never did anything against them! I ate them with love and care, and yet THIS is how they repay me? LAW SUIT!

"Liar…you said THREE!" I gasped and moved my hand to clutch my midsection. Legolas batted my hand away and swiftly took off his cloak and bundled it up against the gaping hole. I winced as he put pressure on it. "Stop pressing on it! It hurts more that way!"

"I need to cut off the blood so you don't loose more," he explained patiently. "Can you hold it yourself?" I nodded. "It's imperative that you hold it tightly, or I fear you'll loose too much blood. And that, my young friend, is not something we want happening." He showed me where to apply pressure. I finally stopped crying at that time, except for the occasional sniffle. My emotional break down was over with for the time being.

"Grrr…I hate arrows. I'm going to have a bonfire of Orc arrows when we get back to Gondor!" I said, mostly to myself. Legolas snorted and shook his head. 

"I must go back to the fight. Don't move from this spot," he said firmly, and his eyes told us there'd be dire consequences if we disobeyed him again. He had nothing to worry about…as far as I was concerned, moving was not a top thing to do on my list. "I will return shortly."

Emily saluted him and I only whimpered. He squeezed my shoulder, then jumped back into the battle, knives twirling, hair flying.

As it turned out, Legolas did NOT return shortly. About forty-five minutes we waited. Finally, we heard someone come around the rock. Yay! He has returned to the land of the wounded yet living children! We are saved from the dark pit of slime! PRAISE THE PENCIL TOPPERS!

"It's about time, Legolas!" Emily muttered. I could only groan my happiness (imagine how that sounded…) and shift my position to greet the approaching Elf.

Except it WASN'T Legolas.

In fact, it was something much worse. Another Orc. I bit back a cry of irritation. THEY'RE MULTIPLYING! The Green Monkeys of Rudabega Land were after us! AWAY DEMON FROM HELL! Why do we always get picked on anyway? I mean, just because we're little brats is no reason for half of Mordor to come after our guts! I feel unloved…

"Not another one," Emily groaned. I felt around beside my for my bow—quite a task, considering I could barely move without feeling pangs in my gut. If I could just get my weapon though…I'd be able to shoot the Orc…WHERE'S MY FROOT-LOOPIN' BOW?!? I looked around anxiously, and spotted it resting against the rock face some four feet away. Damn it! Why'd Legolas have to move it? My quiver was next to me. But the bow was way over there! I stretched out as far as I could go. I couldn't go more than a foot away from my weapon. GAAAHHH! BAD! Emily stood up, sword in a defending position. Go Emily. The Orc swung his blade forward. She amazing didn't die and fended him off. I tried to stretch forward more.

As I reached, spasms of pain kept washing over my stomach wound. 'This is bad...' I thought. It was no time for me to start being a wuss! Let's forget the fact that I normally WAS a wuss. I moved forward. The Evil Polar Bear (aka The Orc) from Hades swiped at Emily again. She ducked swiftly, and came up just in time to parry another blow. ALMOST GOT THE BOW!

I leaned forward and my fingers tightened around it. SCORE! I snatched it up and held it happily before quickly stringing up an arrow. Emily pulled her sword up as the Orc did. I aimed carefully with my bow. My tongue was between my teeth in concentration. Do you know how hard it is to fire a bow half laying, half sitting down? Very hard, I can tell you. 

The Orc's sword suddenly came down, then back up before Emily could realize what happened, getting past her weapon. The metal object jabbed into her shoulder. She cringed and hunkered over in pain. Uhhh…I guess I better hurry. I let the arrow go, and it flew. Right over the Orc's shoulder. DAMN THIS BOW! I quickly loaded it again and launched the second arrow. Much to my happiness and surprise, it hit the Orc squarely in the forehead. I PULLED A LEGOLAS! Wait till he hears…I let out a sigh of relieg as it's disgusting body dropped down, satisfyingly lifeless. SCORE FOR LAVERN!

"Katie!" Emily gasped and sunk to her knees. "It took you long enough!" she pushed out and leaned against the rock face for support. Is that all she can say after I save her life? I don't get that…Especially when my own physical condition is not top shape! 

"Uh…sorry?" I said tentatively. She sighed and shook her head, gripping her shoulder.

"It's like my shoes always say. 'When life gives you a sword, kill Katie because she's too stupid to live,'" she quoted. She needs to get over this quoting obsession. It's not entirely healthy for her.

"I thought it was, 'When life gives you a sword, go join Jack and Will on the Black Pearl,'" I 

mused.

"That too."

************

And there you have it. A whoppin five pages. GO MEH! 

I like torturing our fanfic selves. It's fun to watch Fanfic!Katie wriggle in pain. *laughs insanely*

I'm making meself a t-shirt that says "I'm a crazy, insane, weird, disturbed, bizarre, obsessed, abnormal, angst-loving, annoying fanfiction writer." It shall be spiffy and wondiferious.

Legolas stalker: I want your shirt. I WANT IT REALLY BAD! *cries quietly* Oh no, MARK HAS TO LIKE KATIE! *sniffs* Everyone loves KATIE. Right? Right-o! 

Dy: *glares and hugs Harold who is very scared* Back off. My dandelion. *hisses* AWAY DEMON!

Andray: What, you thinks Katie doesn't comfort people? You're right. Just kidding…I'm seriously a nice, normal, little girl with a pink room and matching shirts and pants. *pauses* Actually, that's some other kid. I'm actually a weirdo. But you already knew that.


	14. Obstinate Fool and Harold to the Rescue!

DISCLAIMER: Don't own LOTR. Tolkien does. I'm just playing in his universe.Yada yada. I also don't own The Magic School Bus (Where the "Wonderful observation, Dorothy Anne!" came from, FYI). I own Katie, Emily, Obstinate Fool, Harold, Algeren, and any other of my pathetic OCs.  
  
CHAPTER THIRTEEN  
  
Ahhhh.and so ends the reign of Sauron, Pathetic Dark Lord. I watched with Emily as Mount Doom crumbled in the distance, and Bara-dur trembled then fell with an almighty THUD. The Morannon shook and started to fall apart. The Hosts of Mordor screeched like rabid geese (which they were) and fled. THAT'S RIGHT, RUUUN! We're going to kick your ass anyway! In fact, we HAVE kicked your ass! Their retreating army grew further and further away. GO GONDER! WHOOT!  
  
I cheered for our dudes and soon my comrade joined me in our hyper and nonsensical chanting.  
  
"GO VIETCONGANONGA!"  
  
"NEVER GIVE UP!"  
  
"WE PAY YOUR RENT!"  
  
"POWER TO THE DISCO FLOWER PLUSHIES OF NODDLINGCHIMPS!"  
  
"Ooga ba dooga SLOOOOOMP!"  
  
A couple groups of Orcs tried to kill off some of our guys in a last (and pathetic) ditch attempt at victory. Stupid Orcses. Trying to win. HAHAHAHAHA! I laugh at the idiocy of the little creatures.  
I always was a better dark lord than Sauron. It's public knowledge.  
  
The Giant eagles flew overhead, returning from Mount Doom with Frodo and Sam. I was, of course, relieved at their return. Just because I was "all knowing" didn't mean I wasn't worried about the hairy little hobbitses. Emily and I waited while the eagles did their thing. I hummed a random ditty.  
  
"When is Legging Lass coming back, Mother Hen?" Emily inquired. Psh. Like I would know. I shrugged. "What about Algeren?" Again, I shrugged.  
  
"We'll just wait here for the little Elfsies and Mansies to get back," I said finally, and leaned against the rock, readying myself for a long wait.  
  
*********  
  
Ahhhh.there's out pointy-eared comrade now!  
  
"You took long enough," I growled at the approaching Elf. Hey, I was allowed to be snappy; I had a hole in my stomach!  
  
"But I returned, didn't I?" he answered with one eyebrow raised. He knelt down next to Emily, took one look at her shoulder, then groaned. "Can you not stay out of trouble for just a while?" She shook her head quickly.  
  
"It's against the dress code," she explained patiently. He wisely chose not to answer that. Instead, he stood up and looked down at Emily.  
  
"Can you walk?" he questioned. She nodded, and he pulled her up to her feet. I tried to get up as well. Unsuccessfully, might I add. Ouchies. I fell back against the wall, sending the air irritation. I know the air never did anything to me, but you have to blame it on someone, don't you?  
  
"Katie, if you would wait, I would assist you," Legolas said, glancing at me as he spoke. Once Emily was stable enough and he was sure she wouldn't fall down (why she would, I don't know. Attention seeking maybe?) he came over to me and grasp my shoulder.  
  
"Can't-can't I just stay here?" I asked feebly. Zero movement is a goooood thing, little grasshoppers. Say no to moving!  
  
"No, we have to get back to the rest of the company," he answered and helped me up. I positioned myself between the rock wall and him. Hm. This could be a problem, if I can't move.  
  
"Okay. I'm standing. Now what?"  
  
"Walking would be a good idea," Emily suggested sarcastically.  
  
"But it hurts to move!"  
  
"You're going to have to learn to ignore the pain," Legolas said to me.  
  
"Ignore the pain? IGNORE THE PAIN?"  
  
"Yes. I'll help you walk, you'll just have to stand a little straighter," he replied VERY sympathetically. Jeez.just because I'm a pathetic blob of goo doesn't give him the right to walk all over me. I am NOT just a toenail clipper! I HAPPEN TO BE THE PREIDENT OF THE SOCIETY OF YARN BALLS! So there.  
  
We inched along, slowly but surely. Legolas supported my bad side, while Emily plodded along innocently as she could manage. She held a handful of her shirt over her shoulder, trying to stem the bleeding. Suddenly, she cried out and tripped. Such a klutz, Emily is. I turned to look at her, only to find her still sitting on the ground. She was looking rather terrified, which surprised me. I was thinking she'd be annoyed at the fact that she tripped. Maybe it was because she realized how annoying she really was?  
  
"Eeeeemily.don't just sit there! Up with yeh, you lazy scally-wag!" I ordered, prodding her with my foot. Legolas urged us to hurry up. Emily didn't listen to either of us. She just numbly pointed to the dead body in front of her. Wow. She figured out how creepy dead corpses are. "Yeah, Emily, dead people really ARE unpleasant. Wonderful observation, Dorothy Anne!"  
  
"Katie.it's.it's.Algeren!" I stared, then diverted my gaze to the face of the dead dude. It really was our buddy. I was suddenly very aware of the blood pounding in my ears.  
  
"Oh.my." I didn't finished the sentence. I didn't know what to do. Except one thing. The only intelligent (even though it wasn't) thing I COULD do. I sat down and curled up as best I could with my wound, despite Legolas' protests.  
  
Then I promptly began to cry.  
  
"Katie, please don't cry," Legolas pleaded. He knelt next to me and Emily, looking quite confused as to what to do. He gave me an awkward hug, whilst Emily just sat staring at the dead Algeren, seeming very lost.  
  
"I want to go hooooome!" I sobbed into his shoulder, feeling useless and pathetic. Which was what I was, might I add. "I hate this! I wanna be a regular person again, and I just wanna go home. At home there's no stupid Orcs or wargs or anything. I can write stupid fanfiction, innocent the real evilness of Middle Earth, and sniff bread at lunch like the dumb little kid I am! I want my kitty back and I miss Andy, because he hasn't poked me with Legos in forever, so I haven't yelled at him for being a brat, even though he isn't. I want my mommy and daddy to nag at me to wash the dishes, too. I hate Mordor and I hate LOTR. I hate math class, too, because that's the source of this problem and I wouldn't be in this mess if I wasn't in math class in the first place! And Orcs just plain suck! I hope they all fry in hell!"  
  
And indeed, I meant every word of that. Well, maybe not the hating LOTR part. I just deeply disliked it at the time. But I was seriously just a dumb little girl who thought, "Hey, won't it be fun to join the Fellowship? It'll be a piece of cake with all the fighting and death and Orcs. No worries!" I was so wrong.How could I have been so stupid? DEATH IS NOT FUNNY, ALL RIGHT? It's not cool, it's not a joy ride, it's not something little kids have to deal with (let's forget the fact I'm not exactly a little kid.) So I'm technically not a little kid now that I've been exposed to such things. And you know what? I WANT TO BE A LITTLE KID AGAIN!  
  
Emily crawled over and hugged me and I hugged Legolas and Legolas groaned and wished he was somewhere else. What a lovely picture the three of us must have been.  
  
**********  
  
Obstinate Fool was tired. In fact, he was so tired he felt like he could drop dead. The poor horse had labored away, making sure various men did not get killed by Orcs. Horses can trample Orcs very efficiently, did you know that? All Obstinate Fool wanted to do now was sleep. Not in the middle of the battle field, of course. But he'd give anything for a nice comfy stall, with fresh hay and clean water.  
  
But that damned dandelion wouldn't leave him alone!  
  
"Come on, old chap, we must find Katie and Emily!" the stupid weed said from atop Obstinate Fool's back. The horse never liked him much, and Harold's persistency was only egging on his dislike. Oh how he wanted to buck the dumb little plant off.  
  
But he knew that the dandelion was right; he would never be able to leave Katie alone out there, no matter how annoying she was. She was sort of nice, once you got past her idiocy. Key word being sort of.  
  
"Don't dawdle, now, we can't be left here all alone! I have an important conference with King Elessar about my point of power over Dandelion Kind!" Harold chided. In truth, Aragorn only told Harold he'd appoint him King of the Dandelions so long as the flower left him alone. By no means did he intend to actually DO that. But Harold was somewhat dense, and didn't see past Aragorn's story.  
  
Obstinate Fool snorted in that horse-y way over the weed's stupidity. Really. As far as Obstinate Fool was concerned, the dandelions needed no king, especially not one such as Harold. But since when did flowers listen to him? He ate them regularly, after all.  
  
"Come ON! Slow horse." Harold grumbled, and stamped his leafy foot impatiently. Obstinate Fool stomped his own foot in reply and raised his head to survey the scene before them. He was on a slight hill, where he easily saw most of the battlefield. It was a right mess, to put it casually. Blood was everywhere, as was normal in a battle, and bodies of Orc and Men alike were strewn about at random. Obstinate Fool found it rather unpleasant, no matter how many times he'd seen it. He wanted to get out of the place ASAP. But first he had to find that stupid girl.  
  
"I see her! I see her! And it looks like Emily and the Elf are with her too!" Harold exclaimed suddenly from above. "HI HO, SILVER, AND AWAAAY!" Obstinate Fool made no movement. Partially because he couldn't see any signs of Katie, but mostly just to irritate the flower. Harold sighed in exasperation. He really needed to employ a better mode of transportation.  
  
"Over there. Sweet Eru, you were name very justly," Harold growled and managed to direct Obstinate Fool's gaze in the right direction. Ah, now the horse saw them! He let out a whinny, which could have been translated as something along the lines of, "The things I do for you all." and he ambled down the hill in the direction of Katie.  
  
*********  
  
Legolas' patience was running thin. He was battle-weary, and wanted to rest desperately. But he couldn't unless Katie would move herself and stop bawling like a child. 'She *is* a child, though,' he reminded himself, which was true. She was merely sixteen in human years, which was, compared to himself, a truly young age.  
  
But just because she was young did not mean she had to fall apart just then! Legolas knew that they needed to regroup as soon as possible. It was important that he find the rest of the company, and quickly. Only if Katie and Emily collected themselves would they be able to, though.  
  
Legolas looked down at the sobbing girl at his shoulder and suppressed a moan of irritation. He did NOT need this right now.  
  
********  
  
"I say, lasses and lad, what ever are you doing on the ground? You all look awfully funny there," Harold called from his position on Obstinate Fool. The horse tossed his head in agreement. If he could, he would have laughed despite the seriousness of the situation. It was very comical to him. The poor Elf appeared to be extremely irritated, Katie was crying into his shoulder and clinging to him for dear life (much as he tried, Legolas could not detach her from him) and Emily was simply hugging Katie, trying not to cry herself.  
  
Yes, they looked very funny to Obstinate Fool.  
  
"H-H-Harold?" Katie stuttered, looking up at the flower, wiping her wet, snotty face on the back of her hand. Obstinate Fool's lip would have curled in disgust if he could have. Humans were so nasty.Even he, a horse, would never wipe his snot on himself. It was just plain unsanitary!  
  
"Who did you think it was? Eru?" Harold teased, chuckling at his joke. He obviously did not realize who was dead, and how badly it hit the two little girls, and how irritated the Elf was. Obstinate Fool, once again, decided that the dandelion was not the smartest cookie in the fishbowl, as Katie liked to say. Legolas looked very relieved that Katie has stopped crying on him. Emily was still hiding. Obstinate Fool grabbed a bit of Emily's hair in his mouth and tugged gently on it to make her look up. He rather liked Emily-she never bounced much while riding him like Katie did-and he didn't like seeing her sad. The blonde girl slowly looked up at the horse and let out a sigh.  
  
"Can we go home now?" she asked in a small voice.  
  
"We were, until you both-"  
  
"My dear Elf, I would not press that fact if I were you," Harold warned Legolas. The fair being only scowled halfheartedly at the dandelion and pulled both Katie and Emily to their feet. Emily immediately clambered onto Obstinate Fool, moving Harold aside. Katie followed her soon after.  
  
"I'll just walk," Legolas muttered irritably to himself.  
  
"You do that, old chap!" Harold answered brightly, oblivious to the Elf's annoyance. Obstinate Fool would have sighed if he could. Some people.Or rather, some flowers.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
I updated. Finally. Joy, oh, joy. Please, if any of you, for some strange reason, want to throw things at me, wait till I explain. It's just for simple words:  
  
School has been hell.  
  
So, yeah, there yah go.I've actually been writing this in a notebook. So it's all written, just not typed. Be patient, kiddles, and I'll give you the rest of your ficcie. I have almost all of it done actually.  
  
Yesh, Harold has a British accent. If you didn't get that at first, you ought to now. ^.^ Somehow, the image of a British dandelion strikes me as funny.  
  
I love Obstinate Fool. He's so cool.I need to do more of his P.O.Vs.  
  
Oh yeah, forgot to mention this last time. I change the last two chapters of the Fellowship of Twoness. *cringes* So.awful.you understand after you read it. Hey, at least I TRIED to redeem this fic...Even though that's slightly impossible.  
  
As a side and perfectly random and irrelevent note, I got to see Black Hawk Down. Finally. Mother Dearest and deemed it okay for me to watch gore finally.^.^ 'Tis much fun watching Eye Candy (a.k.a Orlando Bloom) fall out of a Black Hawk. Yesh indeedy.  
  
And another S.A.P.R.A.R.N (side and perfectly random and irrelevent note) (that makes Saprarn. Tee hee. Funny word.) is that I got a Return of the King theater poster for me room and an Eowyn action figure to be Legolas Action Figures Friend. Now Aragorn Action Figure will have TWO people to welcome him when I find him (because I will. Watch me). Yay! More to add to shrine!  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Legolas stalker: ^.^ Boo boos are fun to write about. Pain. Blood. Gore. Rah rah. ^.^ Yippie for odd shirts! I have one that says "Someone please poke holes in the top of my jar." 'Tis spiffy! Yesh, nice Legolas is a very cool thing. By public agreement it is! Wow. Fun. Spanish essays.*blinks*  
  
The Milkman: *claws at throat* Must.breathe.Katie.needs.air.Calley! Yesh, blood, gore, violence, etc is awesome. ^.^ I've been corrupted, oh yes I have. But that's not such a bad thing! Prank calls are fun. These girls prank called my bro one time. I think they have a crush on him.O.o *twitches* Scary. People having crushes on my BROTHER. Twisted, they are.  
  
Dy: *pokes her* Hand over the dandelion, ma'am, and no one gets hurt. Much anyway.  
  
Andray: Contrariwise (tee hee. Cool word!), cookies are incredibly smart. You just have to look past their primitive natures and you'll see real potential in their little cookie minds. Seriously. Trust me on this one! 


End file.
